


Falling Apart

by The_Clock_Strikes_Twilight



Series: Time Between [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, M/M, Missing Scene, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Slow Burn, Songfic, minor depictions of blood and violence, time lapse, unknown pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:09:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 45,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23345251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Clock_Strikes_Twilight/pseuds/The_Clock_Strikes_Twilight
Summary: “Do you ever miss home?” Axel then breaks the silence. “Radiant Garden.”“I try not to,” Saïx says.“Yeah…”Saïx means to reiterate the question, but he finds himself unable to speak. As if his vocal cords have been cut. There’s just not much left for him to say.The silence isn’t necessarily uncomfortable, but there’s only so long Saïx can go now. Way back when, before they lost their hearts, he and Axel—Lea—could go hours without the need to speak to one another. Hours sitting in silence. Enjoying each other’s company. It had been soothing.They’re not kids anymore, though. They’re Nobodies. Numbers. Disposable. And there’s nothing reassuring about the thought of having to return to the empty Castle. Nothing reassuring about the Organisation. About strangers.
Relationships: Axel & Saïx (Kingdom Hearts), Axel/Saïx (Kingdom Hearts), Isa & Lea (Kingdom Hearts), Isa/Lea (Kingdom Hearts)
Series: Time Between [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1679068
Comments: 30
Kudos: 56





	1. Unconditional

**Author's Note:**

> Song Used: "My Indigo" by Sharon den Adel (My Indigo)

_I call what we have indigo_

_Unclear what we are_

_Or what we know…_

When he opens his eyes, he’s surrounded by white walls. He sits up slowly and takes it all in. How long until he’s used to this? It’s already been—Hell, he’s lost track of the days. No point in keeping up with them. Not when he’s already come to terms with _this_ being his new life. His existence. His purpose.

He starts bringing his hand to his chest but pauses mid-movement. He has to stop doing this to himself. Fooling himself. No matter how much he wants to—how hard he hopes—he won’t feel anything there. It’s empty. Just like this room.

He looks out towards the open window of the room to try and distract himself from his roaming thoughts. It’s a lonesome, cityscape view. Always nighttime. Nothing like the view from back home. Tch. Home? Who is he kidding? _This_ is his home now.

He hates that he has to keep reminding himself of that.

With a deep breath, he dismounts the rigid bed. He dresses himself with the black coat he had been given when this all began. The black coat he shares with eight others. Eight members. The goal is thirteen. As to why that’s the goal, he’s still not sure. He just knows they’re always searching for more like them.

Nobodies.

After glancing out the window once more, he exits the bedroom. He makes his way down the long hallway until he’s in a round room with two couches. The Grey Area. He stops by the side of the room where the walls are made up of floor-to-ceiling windows. Before he turns his back on the window, he catches a glimpse of his faint reflection. Catches a glimpse of the chains of the coat. Seeing himself in it makes this all the more real.

“Morning, Isa.”

Huh. Hearing that name now should be…strange since that’s not actually his name. Not anymore.

_And though you’ll never take my hand_

_Even when I raise your shipwreck from the sand_

_And though you’ll never count the cost_

_Of the innocence you’ve lost and what it meant…_

He turns towards his greeter. The redhead appears from the hallway, wearing the same exact black coat. His voice sounds more chipper than he looks.

“How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?”

The redhead falls onto one of the couches. “But it’s your name.” He shrugs his shoulders. “What else am I supposed to call ya?”

“We have new names. You know that just as well as I do.”

Lea—No, no… _Axel_ scoffs at this. It’s the truth, though. Lea isn’t Lea anymore. Just like Isa isn’t Isa anymore. He’s Saïx.

“I hate the new names,” Axel says. “They’re dumb. And if we continue calling each other by our _normal_ names, then—”

“That’s not who we are anymore.” Saïx doesn’t mean to snap at him. They’re supposed to still be friends. “Stop clinging to the past. There’s nothing left of it.”

Tch. Axel’s sitting on the couch and he’s actually _pouting_. Saïx wants to find it humorous, but—Well, he’s not supposed to be able to find things funny anymore. So, why is it Axel can still provoke some semblance of emotion in him? Are his memories of emotions still that strong? Has it not been long enough yet for him to forget the idea of happiness?

Damn it. No. Saïx can’t be thinking about this. It only makes things worse. Harder. And coping has already been difficult enough as it is without overthinking.

“C’mon, even just a chuckle would’ve been nice,” Axel speaks up.

Saïx shakes his head and looks over at Axel. “You have to take this more seriously. You could get yourself into trouble if you don’t.”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Now he grins. “C’mon, I can take care of myself. Especially with these awesome new chakram.”

He doesn’t hold back his eyeroll. “Please, you’ve been as reckless as ever.”

“It’s the only way you’ll pay attention to me.”

“Don’t be so childish.”

Axel’s back on his feet. “We _are_ kids. Just because we’ve lost our hearts—”

“It’s time for us to _grow up_.” He lets out a heavy sigh. “Clinging to the past isn’t going to make this any better.”

“Stop saying that.”

There’s a beat. A moment of silence before Saïx turns away from Axel, facing the wall of windows again. They’ve been fighting so much lately. If they’re heartless—emotionless—Saïx doesn’t understand where the passion to argue is coming from. It’s one of those little things that gives him hope. Maybe this all isn’t so bad. Maybe there’s a silver lining. Then Axel steps up behind him and Saïx can barely make out their reflections in the window. There’s a gleam in Axel’s eye and Saïx can’t help the small smile.

“You’re such a crybaby,” he says.

Axel returns the smile. “Shut up.”

Maybe they aren’t so heartless, after all.

_You don’t have to love me_

_There’s one thing you should know_

_My love will not unravel_

_It’s unconditional_

_My indigo…_

“There you little twerps are.”

Saïx and Axel turn to face the dark portal that has formed in the centre of the room. Xigbar steps out of it, looking annoyed as ever.

“What’s going on?” Saïx asks.

“The Boss called us all in for a meeting,” Xigbar goes on. “You pipsqueaks flaking or did ya somehow miss the memo?”

“No, we weren’t aware.”

“As if.”

Axel scoffs. “Let’s just go if it’s _that_ important.”

So, they transport themselves to the circular room of chairs. Where Nothing Gathers. The rest of the members are already present. Waiting. And Xemnas is sitting in his designated chair—the tallest chair—with his legs crossed. His elbow is propped up with his fisted hand supporting his cheek.

“How nice of you to finally join us,” he speaks up.

“Our apologies, sir,” Saïx says. He swallows hard. “We didn’t realise we were supposed to meet here this morning.”

Xemnas turns his head towards Xigbar, who simply gives him a single nod. Xemnas lets out a little hum. “Very well.”

Xemnas then continues on with whatever it is he called them there for. Saïx tries to pay attention, but that’s hard to do with Axel sitting across from him and discreetly making funny faces. _Childish as ever_. And it is childish, but that doesn’t mean Saïx isn’t trying his damnedest not to laugh. No one’s ever been able to make him laugh like Lea—Axel.

Damn it.

No matter how many times he tells himself to stop clinging to what used to be, Saïx still can’t seem to let it go.

_(Even when the heart won’t let me show_

_You don’t have to say to let me know)_

_My indigo_

_(Even when the heart won’t let me show_

_You don’t have to say to let me know)_

_My indigo…_

Saïx enters The Grey Area that morning to find Xemnas standing by the window, his back turned to the rest of the room. Saïx breathes deep, straightening his posture. _This can’t be good_. He approaches the Superior, making sure his reflection can be seen in the window as not to startle the man. If he even can be startled, that is.

“Good Morning, sir,” Saïx greets him.

“Good Morning, Number VII.” Xemnas turns his back on the window to face the young boy. “I trust you slept well.”

Saïx hesitates for a moment before opening his mouth to respond, but Axel’s voice sounds off from the long corridor instead. They both turn as the redhead enters the room. Axel seems taken aback by the Superior’s presence; it’s not often he graces them with it.

“Hiya, Boss,” Axel says. “Did we miss another meeting?”

Xemnas blinks once. “No.” He turns back towards the window. “I’m here to give you two your missions for the day.”

“Huh?” Axel tilts his head. “What do ya mean? Isa and I—” He and Saïx both cringe as they wait for some sort of reaction out of their Superior. He remains still. “Uh… _Saïx_ and I always go on our missions together.”

“Yes,” Saïx goes on. “What’s so different about today’s mission?”

“You won’t be going together,” Xemnas tells them. “Number VII, you’ll be accompanying Number IV today. Number VIII, you’ll be accompanying Number II.”

Axel makes a face, and Saïx instantaneously throws his hand up to keep him from saying anything out of line. Axel shuts his mouth, knowing very well that Saïx is right in this case for silencing him.

“Very well, sir,” Saïx speaks up. “We shall wait for Numbers II and IV. Thank you.”

Xemnas merely glances over his shoulder at them before disappearing into a portal. Once he’s gone, Saïx releases a breath he didn’t realise he had been holding.

“This is dumb,” Axel says. “He’s separating us on purpose.”

“Stop complaining.”

“We’ve been working together just fine, though. It’s not like we’re not getting our jobs done. And now I’m stuck working with Eyepatch.”

“Don’t you worry, Flamesilocks, I’m just as enthused,” another voice says. Saïx and Axel both turn to see Xigbar joining them. “Let’s get this over this.” With that, he opens a portal and steps through it.

“We’ll rendezvous after our missions,” Saïx says, quickly catching on to Axel’s hesitation to follow the other through the portal. “Just do what we’ve been doing, and it’ll be fine.” He places a comforting hand on the redhead’s shoulder. “And don’t let Xigbar get under your skin.”

Axel looks over his shoulder and shoots Saïx a half-hearted smile. “Right. See ya, Isa.”

Saïx’s hand is still hovering midair, even after the portal closes. He swallows hard. This will be the first mission he’s done without Axel at his side. He feels…something akin to nerves. Except he’s not _supposed_ to be able to feel nervous. He’s not supposed to be able to feel anything. So, he’s still uncertain as to what these so-called surges of emotions are, exactly. They’re dangerous, though. They hit too close to home. But with Lea around—Axel. Damn it. He’s _got_ to _stop doing that_.

“Number VII,” a voice suddenly says. Saïx jumps, turning to see Vexen standing before him. “Have you heard a word I’ve said?”

“M-my apologies,” he says. “I was, uh—I was lost in thought.”

Vexen looks him up at down, eyebrow raised. “Come. The sooner we leave, the sooner we can be done with this mission.”

Saïx simply nods in response, following Vexen through the portal he’s opened. _The sooner we leave_ … He has a feeling this is gonna be a long day, no matter what. But at least he has seeing Axel to look forward to.

_Ink burns on the page, blue to black_

_But words are fireproof_

_Can’t take back…_

As the days pass by, Saïx sees less and less of Axel. They’re no longer assigned missions together and Axel is always already gone by the time Saïx is prepared for his own tasks. Then by the time he’s returned to the Castle, Axel has typically already retired to his room for the evening.

It’s…frustrating, to say the least. It’s also frustrating to Saïx that he even feels frustrated because he’s not supposed to be able to _feel_ frustration. Tch.

He understands that these so-called emotions come from the memories of their past lives. They remember what it was like to feel something, but he’s not actually still having those feelings. They’re not real. Genuine. They’re falsified structures. And sometimes he thinks this would all be so much easier if he just didn’t remember anything from his past.

“Hey, Isa,” Axel greets him one morning, upbeat as ever. It’s the first morning in a long while where Saïx seems to have been up before him. Then Axel’s hands are up in the air. “Sorry, sorry, _Saïx_ ,” he says before Saïx himself can correct him. He grins. “Long time, no see, which is kinda crazy considering there’s only eight of us.”

Saïx takes a deep breath. “Good morning, Number VIII.”

The grin is gone instantaneously. Now his brows are furrowed. “Huh? Don’t call me that; I’m not a number.”

“I’m surprised you’re still here,” Saïx goes on. “Usually you’ve already run off to your mission by now.”

“I actually have the day off.”

“How nice. I don’t, so I’d better be going.”

Saïx raises his hand to open a portal, but Axel stops him. Saïx closes his eyes and swallows hard before turning on the redhead. There’s a gleam in those vibrant green eyes. A gleam of concern. Not that it’s real. And that’s what Saïx keeps telling himself. None of this is real; it doesn’t mean anything.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” Axel says.

Saïx doesn’t want to respond. Doesn’t want to argue. But he knows walking away won’t be any better. It’ll lead them to the same end.

“You’re falling compliant,” Saïx says. “You’re turning into one of _his_ pawns and it seems to be willingly.”

“Excuse me? That’s so not true.”

He shakes his head. “What does it matter? If this is the path you want to take, then who am I to stop you or get in your way?”

“Wha—? What are you _talking_ about? You’re not making any sense.”

“I really have to go.” He opens a dark corridor. “I’ll see you around, Number VIII.”

As he steps through the path he’s created, it takes everything in him not to look back. Not to glance over his shoulder at Axel. It hurts too much when it shouldn’t hurt at all. Saïx isn’t quite sure what that means, but he knows it’s not fair.

None of this is fair. None of it makes any sense. But this is life now and there’s no denying that.

_While the memory’s alive_

_When there’s pennies on our eyes we’ll never rest_

_Can we take a second now_

_To rain down the heavy storm that’s in our chests…_

Saïx awakes in the middle of the night with a gasp. He sits up, trying to catch his breath. He looks around the room, searching for something to focus on other than the dream he just startled from. Even in the dark, the walls still look stark white. He hates it.

He stumbles out of the bed and towards the window. He places his hands on the sill and looks out over the cityscape. The neon lights of the far-off buildings are bright enough to almost illuminate the entire world. Yet, somehow, they’re not bright enough to ward off the gloom.

He turns and drops to the floor. He closes his eyes and tilts his head against the wall. His dream flashes through his mind. His final moments with Lea before he lost his heart. He squeezes his eyes tighter. Damn it. Nothing was supposed to turn out this way. He and Lea didn’t become apprentices to give up their lives. Their hearts. This wasn’t a sacrifice they had been prepared for. Then again, who could ever have been prepared for this?

No. It’s not supposed to be this way.

He opens his eyes when he can no longer bear the memory of the terror on Lea’s face. So, Saïx sits, staring blankly into the room. Every night when he goes to bed, he wishes he’ll wake in the morning to find this has all been some awful, realistic nightmare. He wishes he’ll wake to find there’s no such thing as the Organisation. No such thing as dusks. As Nobodies.

So far, no luck.

He brings his knees to his chest, burying his face in them. Hell, he’s been trying so hard to convince himself he’s okay with all this. That he’s come to terms with it. Tch. He’s far from okay. And it doesn’t help now that Lea— _Axel_ —seems to be growing accustomed to their new lifestyle. He’s never felt more alone.

He’s never felt more like…nobody.

_You don’t have to love me_

_There’s one thing you should know_

_My love will not unravel_

_It’s unconditional_

_My indigo…_

When Saïx returns from his mission that evening, he feels almost… _giddy_. Satisfied? Hmm. Maybe he’s just relieved. Whatever the feeling is, though, it’s the _best_ he’s felt in a long while. But the greatest part is that Axel is sure to be impressed by what Saïx accomplished during his mission that day. It was a pretty incredible feat, after all.

He’s sitting on one of the couches in The Grey Area with Zexion when Axel returns from his own mission. He tries to play it cool, but part of him wants to jump to his feet in mere excitement. Once he’s able to get a good look at Axel, though, that delighted feeling only dissipates. Axel looks utterly defeated and now Saïx wants nothing more than to make sure he’s not hurt.

“Are you okay?” Zexion asks before Saïx can.

“Fantastic,” Axel says. He gives a thumbs-up as he continues straight for the hall leading to their bedrooms.

“Hold on,” Saïx calls after him. He stands from the couch, but the other hasn’t stopped. “Axel, wait—”

Now he stops. “Oh, are we on a first-name basis again?” He shrugs his shoulders. “Guess I didn’t get the memo.”

Saïx deserves that. He knows he does, but… “Don’t be like that,” he says. “Tell me what happened during your mission.”

“Oh, I’ll tell ya what happened.” Xigbar emerges from a dark corridor, collapsing onto the unoccupied couch. “Flamesilocks here blew it. _Hah_. Thought he had his target under control, but then he lost it and it got away. Rookie mistake. Not that I really expected any better.”

Axel scowls. “Shut up. I’ve been part of the Organisation for just as long as you have. If I’m a rookie, then so are you.”

Xigbar simply waves him off. “As if.”

Axel’s hands clench into fists in response. He then turns to walk away, and Saïx goes to follow him, but they both freeze when they see Xemnas standing between them and their escape route.

“Number VII,” he starts. “Number VIII. How did your missions go today?”

Saïx swallows hard. The last thing he wants to do now is brag. “Mine went…well, sir. I’d call it a success.”

“I’d have to agree,” Xemnas goes on.

Axel’s still scowling. “If you already know, then why are you asking?”

Xemnas turns a sharp gaze on him. “Yes. I am thoroughly disappointed with your lack of triumph in today’s assignment. Perhaps you should seek guidance from Number VII.” He gestures to Saïx. “You had the same target, after all.” With that, he vanishes in a cloud of darkness.

“The same target?” Axel says. He turns on Saïx. “You’re telling me that _your_ mission was a success and we had the same target?”

Saïx is at a loss for words. He had no idea this had been the case. Why would they have been given the same target? “Maybe it was a mistake.”

“Doubt it,” Xigbar speaks up.

“So…what?” Axel shrugs his shoulders. “You couldn’t stand how well I’ve been doing so you wanted to try and prove you’re better than me? Is that it?”

“What?” Saïx shakes his head. “No, of course—”

“Well, good job. You made your point.”

When Axel turns to walk away, Saïx lets him go. He knows better than to go after him when he’s upset. He lets out a heavy sigh once that head of red hair is no longer in view. Damn it… What the hell just happened? How did that go so wrong so quickly? He shakes his head again, trying to shake of the feeling of guilt swelling inside him. In the pit of his stomach. Why does he feel guilty? It’s not like he did this on purpose. It’s not like—

“Don’t sweat it,” Xigbar speaks up again. “It ain’t even worth it.”

Except that’s not what he wants to hear right now. Especially not from him. Saïx ignores Xigbar’s so-called advice and glances over at Zexion, who’s looking up at him from the book in his hands. As soon as he notices Saïx staring back, though, he returns his focus to the book. Saïx lets out another short sigh and retires to his room for the night.

Tch. So much for showing off.

_(Even when the heart won’t let me show_

_You don’t have to say to let me know)_

_My indigo_

_(Even when the heart won’t let me show_

_You don’t have to say to let me know)_

_My indigo…_

Saïx can’t sleep. His mind is racing a mile a minute. And every time he closes his eyes, even for just a moment, there’s the threat of another nightmare. Hell, he wishes he could keep track of the time somehow. Doesn’t help that it always looks like nighttime.

He misses daylight.

He slips out of his bed and quietly tiptoes out of his room and down one door. He knocks softly before opening the door just a crack.

“Are you still up?” he asks through the darkness. “Lea?”

He hears the other shift. “I’m up, Isa. Come in.”

He squeezes past the door, trying not to open it too wide. Axel sits up in his bed as Saïx takes a seat on the end of it.

“What’s happening to us?” Axel speaks up first after they sit in silence for a few minutes. “We never used to fight like this. Now we’re supposed to be emotionless and we’ve been arguing more than ever.”

“Maybe that’s why,” Saïx says. “We’re still adjusting to all this. Plus, hearts or no hearts, it’s an odd sensation when we can remember what it was like to feel angry or upset even if we can’t actually feel anymore.”

“Maybe…” He sighs. “It’s dumb.”

Saïx can’t help but chuckle softly as this. “That’s what you always say when you’re not happy about something.”

“Well, it’s true. I hate fighting.”

“Speaking of…” He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry about your mission. I had no idea we had the same target.”

“This is the first time the Boss has ever set something up like this,” Axel says. “I wonder why he did.”

“It is strange.”

“Hmm.” Axel pauses for a brief moment. “How did you even defeat that thing? Because, honestly, I was having a pretty hard time with it.”

“Defeat it?” Saïx shakes his head. “N-no, my mission was to protect it and find a way to free it.”

“Wait…what? But—My mission was to fight and destroy it.” He looks down at his hands in his lap. “Why would he give us opposite goals for the same target?” His eyes widen. “You don’t think—What if Xemnas is _trying_ to pit us against each other?”

Saïx’s brow furrows. “Why would he do that? We’re on the same side. So…what exactly would that achieve? Wouldn’t he want us all to get along? To some extent, at least. Or at least want us all to be able to work together?”

“Not like we have much of a choice. Doesn’t mean we have to like our teammates, so long as we’re civil with them. I mean, I can’t stand Xigbar, but that’s not gonna stop me from working with him when I have to.” He sits back against the headboard, resting his hands behind his head. “Besides, I don’t think anyone would be dumb enough to challenge the Boss.”

He considers this. “Still…it doesn’t make any sense. Like you said, why would Xemnas give us opposite goals for the same target? What is that meant to prove?”

“Y’know what? Who cares? It doesn’t even matter.” Axel sits up again, this time leaning forward more to be closer to Saïx. “I know it’s tough to think about, but remember what we said before we became apprentices?”

Of course. How could Saïx forget?

_You don’t have to love me_

_There’s one thing you should know_

_My love will not unravel_

_It’s unconditional_

_My indigo…_

“We made a promise,” Saïx goes on. “We promised that, no matter what, we’d never turn on each other. That we’d always stick together.”

“Exactly,” Axel says. “We promised to always watch out for each other and to have each other’s backs.” He takes Saïx hands in his own and, damn it, Saïx is grateful for the cover of darkness because he swears that he’s blushing now. But Axel has that fiery resolve in his eyes that Saïx has never been able to look away from. “We need to do everything in our power to keep that promise. If we lose sight of each other, then we’re done for. So, I want us to remake that promise. Right here and now.”

“We promised as Lea and Isa, so I suppose it would make sense to promise as Axel and Saïx, as well.”

He shakes his head. “No. You are not Saïx and I am not Axel. I don’t care if those are the names we have to use now, but those names do not make us who we are.” Axel squeezes Saïx’s hands a little tighter, but it’s the most comforting sensation in the world now. “And we’re still Isa and Lea. Nothing will ever change that.”

Saïx wants to believe him more than anything. He wants to feel that same resolve, but— “We have no idea what might happen,” he says.

“Yeah…and? C’mon, if we weren’t here, it really wouldn’t be any different. I mean, we still wouldn’t know what might happen. The point is that we’re not gonna let this place change us. We’re not gonna let the _Organisation_ change us.”

He smiles sheepishly. “I admire your fire.”

“There’s a reason that’s my attribute.”

He rolls his eyes at him. “Childish as ever.”

“Yeah, well…” He shrugs his shoulders, chuckling softly. “We’re gonna get through this. You and me.” He grins. “Got it memorised?”

“It’s been forever since I’ve heard you say that.” Saïx lets out a soft sigh, which Axel reacts to by leaning in even closer, connecting their foreheads. Heat flares in Saïx cheeks, but he no longer finds himself able to care. Huh. He wonders if that’s good or bad… “You and me,” he then goes on. “I’ll never forget.”

_(Even when the heart won’t let me show_

_You don’t have to say to let me know)_

_My indigo_

_(Even when the heart won’t let me show_

_You don’t have to say to let me know…)_

Saïx and Axel separate themselves as the days continue to pass. They try to make Xemnas believe his plan is working. That they’re dividing because of him. Really, though, they’re just trying to be independent of one another. Trying to not have to rely on each other so much. But they’ll still always be there for the other when they’re needed. They’ll willingly drop everything for the other.

Saïx is stuck in a conversation with Vexen the morning Axel walks by him after almost a whole week of not even catching a glimpse of one another. It takes everything in Saïx not to just walk away from Vexen so that he can talk with his best friend. Axel catches his gaze, though, and grins at him with that playful wink of his. Then it’s taking everything in Saïx not to _blush_. He glances at his feet, holding back a grin of his own. He has no idea what Vexen is talking about anymore.

By the time he escapes his discussion with The Chilly Academic and tracks Axel down, Saïx finds that Axel is now caught up in a conversation with Zexion. The kid is talking about the most recent book he’s reading, and the redhead does seem to be thoroughly intrigued. Saïx decides it best not to intrude and instead retires to his room.

He lays on his bed, still fully cloaked, with his eyes closed. He soon hears his door open and shut, but he doesn’t move. Not until he feels an added weight on the stiff mattress. He shifts slightly, giving Axel enough room to lay beside him. Saïx keeps his eyes closed. They both remain silent. Axel’s hand twitches as he slides it closer to Saïx’s, interlocking just their pinkies.

_I call what we have indigo_

It’s a spark and, for now, it’s enough.


	2. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "Insomniac" by Amber Run

_You, my friend_

_Remind me of someone that I used to know_

_You’ve got his eyes_

_You’ve got his shadow_

_When did you become the kind of man to dance at funerals…?_

He steps out of the dark corridor and into Twilight’s View. He takes a deep breath before starting up the stairwell. Today’s mission had been…rough, to say the least. All he wants now is the chance to rest. To close his eyes and just forget about everything. If only for a short while.

He reaches the stop of the stairs and pauses before entering the Hall of Empty Melodies. He hears voices carrying from inside. Voices but no words. He steps closer while trying to keep his presence unknown. Just a bit closer and he’ll be able to hear what’s actually being spoken…

“If you do this, you shall reap the rewards,” Xemnas’s hollow voice sounds off. “And I assure you, it’ll be more than worth it.”

“And if I don’t follow through?” the second voice asks.

“What’s lesser than a Nobody?”

There’s a pause. “A dusk.”

“That’s what you’ll be,” Xemnas goes on. “Less.”

There’s the distinct sound of a corridor. The distinct sound of a shaky breath. Another pause.

“You can come out now,” the second voice says.

Axel swallows hard and straightens himself before turning the corner, coming out of his so-called hiding spot. He looks Saïx up and down. “What was that about?”

Saïx lets out a huff of breath. The slightest form of a scoff he’ll muster. “Why eavesdrop if you’re no good at it?”

“C’mon, what’s the Boss asking you to do now?”

“That’s none of your concern.”

He inhales sharply. Saïx has grown harder to deal with since the Organisation gained two additional members, putting their number at ten now. Axel still doesn’t understand what the connection is. He’s willing to bet Xemnas has something to do with it, though. After all, their _Superior_ has been trying his damnedest to manipulate Saïx. More so than any of the other members. Tch.

“Don’t turn yourself into his victim,” Axel goes on.

“I know what I’m doing.”

“So, then you know for sure that you’ll _reap the rewards_?”

“We both will.” Saïx reaches for Axel ever so slightly but stops himself halfway to his goal. “Just trust me.”

Axel reaches the full way. Reaches for Saïx’s hand. “I do…Isa.”

_Are you lost…?_

Saïx squeezes his eyes shut at the sound of his old name, pulling his hand from Axel’s grasp. He then walks away without another word. Axel watches him until he disappears beyond his view. Until the black fades into the white.

A world of black and white, yet Axel only ever sees grey.

_Does it feel like you gave it all away?_

_Does it feel like it was barely yesterday?_

_Do the promises you made feel harder to keep?_

_Are you losing any sleep?_

_Are you losing any sleep…?_

Axel awakes with a start. Something is off. He can sense it. He practically jumps from his bed and silently slips out of his room. He moves down to the next door over and quietly knocks on it. When there’s no answer, he grants himself entrance. Once he’s on the other side of the door, though, he realises the room is empty. Saïx isn’t here.

Yeah, something is off, all right.

The first corridor he opens brings him to the Grey Area. No one. Next, he heads for the Hall of Empty Melodies. As empty as its name entails. So, he then goes to the Alter of Naught. Nothing. Just a black, starless sky. Damn it… Where could Saïx be? He doesn’t dare try Where Nothing Gathers because then Xemnas will be alerted to him wondering the Castle in the middle of the night. The last thing he needs is Xemnas knowing he’s up and about. Especially when this off feeling could have something to do with whatever it was that he tasked Saïx with.

He places his hands on the Castle’s ledge, looking out over The World That Never Was. Maybe Saïx is somewhere out there. Within the world rather than just in the Castle. Hmm. Only one way to find out.

He opens another corridor, but instead of placing himself in the middle of the world, he brings himself to Nothing’s Call. The entrance that’s rarely ever used. Rarely ever needed. He’ll use it now, though. It could be safer than continuously opening corridors. Sure, walking around will take more time, but—

He freezes as soon as he’s turned the corner. There’s a figure hunched over on the ground ahead of him. A figure with a head of blue hair.

“ _Isa_?” he calls out. Axel rushes over to him and drops to his knees before him. “Isa,” he says again, trying to keep his voice calm and steady. “W-what happened? What are you doing here? Are you okay?” He places both hands on Saïx’s shoulders while Saïx keeps his head down. His hair has grown long enough by now to cover most of his face. He’s also brought a hand up to cover the rest of his face. “C’mon, Isa, talk to me.” Axel tries to pull his hand away from his face, but Saïx resists. “What the hell happened?”

“Stop it,” Saïx finally speaks up. “Just get out of here.”

“I ain’t leaving you here.” He pulls at his hand again to get it away from his face. “C’mon, Isa, just look at me.”

Saïx’s hand is visibly trembling, but he finally allows Axel to move it. Axel then cups Saïx cheeks with both his hands and lifts his face. The breath catches in his throat as soon as he sees him. Sees _it_. The perfect _X_ slashed across the bridge of his nose. Still fresh and bleeding.

“What the hell did he do to you?” Axel asks, his voice soft.

“What does it look like?” Saïx shoves Axel away from him. “Just…get away from me.” He scrambles to get to his feet, but Axel bounces up more swiftly, grabbing at Saïx’s hand to stop him. “Let me go.”

“Isa—”

“ _Stop_ calling me that.”

Axel lets him go. As soon as Saïx is gone, he looks down at his own hands, now trembling. Traces of blood across his fingers. _This can’t be real_. It can’t be. It couldn’t have happened. Not to Saïx. To _Isa_. This has to be some awful nightmare. An illusion.

Except the blood on his hands feels all too real.

_You, my friend_

_Remind me of someone that I used to know_

_You’ve got his scars_

_You wear the same clothes_

_When did you become the kind of man to live in dark rooms…?_

Another restless night. Axel twists and turns in bed, trying to find any sort of comfortable position. That’s nearly impossible in this bed. Typically, he passes out from being so worn out rather than just simply being able to fall asleep. Tonight is different, though. Tonight he can’t sleep because— _Take a good look. This is what will happen to you, as well, if you can’t follow orders._ The words echo in his mind. The gleam is Xemnas’s golden eyes flashes in his memory. Almost like he was _satisfied_ with what he had done to Saïx.

He made an example out of him.

Axel sits up, swinging his feet around to the chilled floor. His elbows rest on his knees as his face falls into his hands. He takes a few deep, shaky breaths before running his hands through his hair. Then he’s on his feet and out of his room.

He wanders down the long hallway until he reaches the Grey Area. Saïx is there, standing facing the windows, still dressed in the black coat. That right there gives way to the fact that he hasn’t slept. Not that Axel can call him out on that; he’s not sleeping, either.

He approaches his old friend until he’s standing behind him. He reaches to place a hand on Saïx’s shoulder, but—

“You shouldn’t be up at this hour,” Saïx speaks through the darkness.

“Tch. I could say the same for you,” Axel says.

Saïx turns to face him. “What is it you want?”

“I want…” He lets out a heavy sigh. “You still haven’t told me what happened.”

“I thought it was clear.”

Axel, unsure of when his gaze had fallen to the floor, glances up at Saïx’s face. At the now _X_ -shaped scar across the bridge of his nose. The example.

“How did it come to this?” he asks.

There’s a waiver in Saïx’s stance. A quiver to his lip that only Axel would pick up on. A vulnerability even Saïx is unaware that Axel knows of. He wants to call him out on it, but now’s not the time.

“What does it matter?” Saïx opts to say.

“Of course it matters,” he says. Saïx only shakes his head and walks past him. Axel grabs him by the elbow before he can get far. “C’mon, Isa, just tell me—”

“Stop.” He breaks free of Axel’s grip. “I can’t keep reminding you to not call me by that name anymore.”

“That’s your name. That’s how I know you.”

“That name does not belong to this face.”

_Are you lost…?_

When Saïx walks away now, Axel lets him go. He has no response to that. No argument. There’s nothing he can say to make any of this better. He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to keep the tears from spilling out. Damn it.

How could he have let this happen?

_Does it feel like you gave it all away?_

_Does it feel like it was barely yesterday?_

_Do the promises you made feel harder to keep?_

_Are you losing any sleep?_

_Are you losing any sleep…?_

Axel’s sitting in the Grey Area with Demyx. The newer member is sitting with his weapon of choice and tuning it. Axel watches him in what he can only consider amusement. He’s not sure how to describe his not-feelings anymore.

“So, that thing doubles as an instrument?” Axel speaks up.

“It’s a sitar,” Demyx says.

“And you play it more than you fight with it.”

“Man, I don’t even know why I’m here,” he goes on. “I have no idea what the Boss sees in me. I got no desire to fight anything.”

Axel chuckles. He gets where Demyx is coming from, though. He definitely doesn’t seem all there, but it’s not Axel’s place to call judgement.

Just then, a corridor opens and Saïx appears from it. All of Axel’s attention instantly shifts to him. He watches him…eagerly? Tch. He doesn’t even know. He just watches him and waits for some form of attention in return. Except Saïx doesn’t pay him any mind. He doesn’t even so much as glance Axel’s way. He only turns and heads straight down the hall leading to the bedrooms. No. Axel won’t accept that. So, he jumps to his feet and follows him.

“Yo,” he calls out. Much to his surprise, Saïx actually stops and faces him. He looks a little dazed and definitely drained. “How was your mission?”

“Fine,” he says.

“Anything exciting happen?”

“I wouldn’t say anything is all that exciting anymore.”

“C’mon, Isa—”

“For the last time, _Number VIII_ —”

Axel rolls his eyes. “Saïx. Sorry. Just don’t refer to me as a number.”

He takes a deep breath. “Anything else?”

“Uh…yeah. Maybe stop treating me like a stranger. We’re supposed to still be friends. Unless I missed the memo.”

“Do you understand how childish you sound?”

Tch. That’s what he always says. “I don’t care. What happened to sticking together? I mean, we’re supposed—” He takes a step towards Saïx, reaching for him, only for Saïx to take a step back to keep the distance between them. The breath catches in Axel’s throat. “Why?”

Saïx won’t look at him. “You need to stop being such a crybaby.”

Axel touches his cheek in response to the comment. He is. He’s crying. He hadn’t even noticed. Just like he hadn’t noticed Saïx walking away in his distraction. He dries his eyes and swallows hard. Saïx has never withdrawn from him before. He doesn’t know how to handle this. How to get him back.

No. He can’t think like that. He hasn’t _lost_ Saïx. This is just a small setback. Things will get better. Saïx will come around. And when he does, Axel will still be waiting.

_Are you lost?_

_Are you lost?_

_Are you lost…?_

Axel wakes from a dead sleep to feel his cheeks wet with tears. He squeezes his eyes shut as he dries them with the backs of his hands. That dream felt all too real. In it, he was Lea again. He had never been _Axel_ to begin with. And Saïx—Well, he was Isa again. The two of them were together. They were dumb teenagers again. There was no Organisation. No Xemnas. No scar…

He sits up, trying to catch his breath. At the same time, though, he only wants to scream. All of this is his fault. The whole reason he and Isa are here—the reason they got into this mess—is because of him. Becoming apprentices had been his idea. Isa had had his doubts, but Lea had talked him into it. He should’ve let Isa talk him out of it. Now—

He gets to his feet and steps up to the glassless window. He can see the entire city from the Castle. The entire world. The World That Never Was. None of this ever should have been. Nobodies aren’t meant to exist, after all. He and Saïx— _Isa_ —should be home. They should be in Radiant Garden. Instead, they’re here… Axel feels another tear roll down his cheek. _Don’t be such a crybaby_. Tch. The words echo through his mind.

He’s got them memorised.

_Are you lost?_

_Are you lost?_

_Are you lost…?_

When Axel sees Saïx next, he does his best to act just as aloof. To not pay him any mind. To act as if none of this is bothering him. Except it is bothering him. And he’s never been able to stay mad at Saïx. At Isa. Then again, things are so different now. He doesn’t want them to be, but that doesn’t change the fact that they simply are. They’re not Lea and Isa anymore. Much to his dismay.

So, when Axel sees Saïx next, they’re passing each other at Twilight’s View. Hell, it takes everything in Axel not to stop. Not to look over his shoulder. Or even so much as glance Saïx’s way. Out of the corner of his eye, though, he could’ve sworn he noticed a falter in Saïx’s step. Axel only takes a deep breath and keeps going. As much as he wants to, he can’t be the one to keep reaching out. If Saïx needs his space, then fine, he can have it. He can also come to Axel once he’s ready to close that distance.

As soon as he reaches the top of the stairs, he stops. He knows he shouldn’t, but he looks back. And when he does, he realises Saïx _had_ stopped. He had stopped and is now looking right back at Axel. Their gazes lock and it feels as if time has come to a standstill. Neither of them moves. Neither of them speaks. Saïx is the first to turn and walk away. Axel drops his head, squeezing his eyes shut. He won’t cry. Can’t cry. Not this time.

_Are you lost?_

_Are you lost?_

_Are you lost…?_

The day comes when Axel snaps. He can no longer stand the distance and he can’t stand the fact that it seems _so easy_ for Saïx. He needs answers and he’ll get them one way or another. His way of choice is abandoning his own mission to follow Saïx on his.

He finds himself in a world he’s never been to before. He wonders if this is where Saïx has been going on a daily basis. If this world has anything to do with—With what had happened to him. Hmm. He shakes his head and pushes those thoughts out of his mind. He then focuses on tracking Saïx down.

_Moon, shine down_. Axel hears the words and follows them like a devotion. When he comes across Saïx, it’s a sight to see. A horrifying sight. Saïx is hovering in midair, his claymore before him, eyes glowing and scar enlarged. Whatever creature he had gone into battle with is destroyed in an instant. Saïx’s body returns to the ground, but he hasn’t come to yet. Axel rushes over to him, throwing his hands on his shoulders. _Isa_. He hears his own voice saying the name, but it sounds so distant. _Isa_ …

_Are you lost?_

_Are you lost…?_

When Saïx finally comes to, his body grows limp and he falls into Axel’s body. Axel holds him close until he feels him shift in his arms.

“Lea?” Saïx speaks up.

The sound of his old name is enchanting. Music to his ears. He smiles through the tears. “Isa.” He pulls away enough to look him in the eyes. He looks just as drained as he has every other day. “No wonder you’ve been so exhausted lately.”

Saïx shakes his head. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“I’ll go once you can stand on your own.”

He straightens himself, his hands gripping Axel’s upper arms. “I’m fine,” he says. He lets go to prove his point, but only stumbles, grabbing hold of Axel once more. “Just…give me a minute.”

“This is ridiculous.” Axel opens a corridor. “We’re going back to the Castle whether you like it or not.”

Saïx doesn’t object. He also doesn’t let go of Axel. That’s good, though, seeing as there’s no way in hell Axel plans on letting go of Saïx, either. Not ever.

_Does it feel like you gave it all away?_

_Does it feel like it was barely yesterday?_

_Do the promises you made feel harder to keep?_

_Are you losing any sleep?_

_Are you losing any sleep?_

As soon as Axel gets Saïx back to the Castle, Saïx passes out. Axel lets him rest but stays with him. By the time he wakes up, it’s the middle of the night. Axel’s sitting against the headboard when he feels Saïx shift. He looks down at him as Saïx turns towards him. He seems a little dazed at first, but quickly overcomes it.

“Ya wanna explain to me what today was about?” Axel speaks up.

Saïx breathes deep as he sits up, also leaning himself against the headboard. He moves slowly, as if he’s in pain. Axel refrains from calling him out. “Xemnas refers to it as the Berserk Mode,” he starts. “It’s an enhanced battle technique.”

Axel quirks his eyebrow. “Berserk Mode? Tch. All it’s been doing is draining you of your energy.”

“I’m still learning to control it.”

“You’re learning to control it?” Axel pauses. He knows he should stop while he’s ahead, but— “Or Xemnas is learning to control you with it?” Saïx has to no remark to that. And he refuses to meet Axel’s gaze. “The scar has something to do with it,” he goes on. Now Saïx turns his head away completely. “Did you…agree to that?”

“It’s complicated,” Saïx says.

“Then simplify it for me.”

He takes another deep breath. “You can’t get mad.” Axel’s brow furrows for a moment, but he nods once in return. Saïx returns the nod. “Xemnas doesn’t believe you’re taking any of this seriously. That you’re too disobedient for your own good. And you skipping out on your mission today to follow me doesn’t help your case.” He closes his eyes. “He was planning on doing this to you, but…” He brings a hand to his face, his fingers lightly tracing the _X_ -shaped scar. “I made the sacrifice for you. Told him that it would be just as effective.”

Axel doesn’t think he’s breathing anymore. “Isa…” He shakes his head. “Th-that’s…not fair.”

“It was my decision.”

“It didn’t have to be.”

There’s that quiver in Saïx’s lip again. Like he wants to say something but won’t allow himself to. Axel doesn’t call him out on it again. But when Saïx proceeds to rest his head on his shoulder, he can’t stop the tears from escaping his eyes.

“You truly do have to stop crying as much as you do,” Saïx speaks up after a moment of reprieve. “Your memories of emotions are too strong.”

Axel scoffs through a chuckle. “And that’s a bad thing?”

“In this case, yes.”

Another pause. “What do you suggest, then?”

Saïx lifts his head. “There’s a charm I’ve learned. I overheard Zexion and Vexen talking about it and decided to look into it.”

“What kind of charm?”

“It’ll prevent you from crying.”

“I get that, but… How?”

Saïx lifts his hand, placing gentle fingertips upon Axel’s cheek. “Upside-down teardrops. Almost like tattoos.”

Axel searches Saïx’s face for some sort of explanation. Some reason as to why he thinks this would be a good idea. Except… Maybe Axel’s got it all wrong. Maybe Saïx is doing way more to protect him than he realises. Like the scar, for instance. Besides, Axel trusts Saïx. He knows he would never do anything to harm him. Not on purpose. And he does cry a lot for someone—a Nobody—who’s supposed to be emotionless.

“Worth a shot,” he says.

It’s the least Axel can do. Letting Saïx mark his face after Saïx’s own had been marked. _This face does not belong to that name_. Hmm… Maybe this will help him let go. Upside down teardrops. To prevent him from being such a crybaby.

Only time will tell.


	3. Echoes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "Silhouettes" by Aquilo

_Stood at the cold face_

_Stood with our backs to the sun_

_I can remember being nothing_

_But fearless and young…_

Saïx looks around at the other twelve chairs. All except one now filled. Twelve members. Yet, Xemnas still doesn’t seem satisfied. As if something is missing. Saïx’s gaze falls upon the thirteenth chair. The empty chair. He gave his life for _this_. In return, he wishes only to know Xemnas’ masterplan.

What exactly is the Organisation’s purpose?

“I’ll do it,” Saïx speaks up, bringing his focus back to the Superior. Xemnas had asked for one of them to take care of some tedious business. Tch. Well, if Saïx wants to get ahead, then he’ll take care of it.

Xemnas looks him up and down. “Very well.” He seems almost…suspicious of Saïx’s motives. “For volunteering, you get the next two days off from any missions.”

Saïx nods his head once. “Thank you, sir.”

With that, Xemnas continues with his lecture. Saïx’s attention draws in and out. Until, of course, his gaze lands on Axel. The redhead is watching him from across the way and he doesn’t seem fazed by being caught. His gaze is burning as hot as his flames. _Why are you agreeing to this_? Saïx knows that’s exactly what he’s thinking. He wouldn’t expect Axel to understand, though. If he wants to be successful—if he wants to get away with this—he’ll have to fight on his own. But that doesn’t mean Axel won’t question him directly. Doesn’t mean he won’t interrogate him.

For a Nobody, he’s still too well-meaning.

Once Xemnas finishes, he dismisses the other members, requesting Saïx to stay behind. Saïx does, but he notices a hesitation in Axel summoning a corridor. Even so, it’s not long before it’s just Saïx and the Superior.

“So, what is this tedious mission?” Saïx asks, breaking the silence.

“It is not a mission,” Xemnas says. “Rather, I would like for all of you to start filing reports on your missions. Your business is to gather those reports as well as reporting on who is not following through.”

“May I inquire as to why you want us to start this now?”

Xemnas quirks his eyebrow. “Now that there are eleven of you, the information we gather will be far more valuable.”

“In what sense?”

“Enough. You are dismissed.”

Damn it. Saïx should’ve anticipated that last question to push him past his limit. If he’s going to go through with this, he needs to be careful. To get ahead, he can’t get ahead of himself. One wrong step over the line and it could mean his existence. _What’s lesser than a Nobody?_ He’ll be turned into a Dusk if he screws this up. So, one step at a time.

One question at a time.

_We’ve become echoes_

_But echoes, they fade away_

_We’ve fallen to the dark_

_As we dive under the waves_

_(I heard you say…)_

Saïx passes along the information of now reporting on missions. None of the members are content with this change. It only adds to the workload. And after the first week, when four members have consistently _not_ turned in any reports, Saïx is sure to let Xemnas know of this persistent noncompliance.

Well, if they thought their workload wasn’t tough before… The fact that Axel had been one of those insubordinate members doesn’t make the situation any easier, either.

“You’ve done exceptionally well, Number VII,” Xemnas says to him after calling him to the Round Room. “You’re not even allowing your _friend_ to get away with being so rebellious.”

Yes, because Saïx understands that calling him out now will keep Axel safe in the long run. Even if Axel isn’t aware of that just yet. Saïx won’t admit that to the Superior, though. There’s too much risk in that sort of admittance.

“Of course not,” Saïx speaks up. “That would be foolish.”

Xemnas seems pleased with that response. Somehow. “I would like you to keep up with the reports,” he goes on. “Collect them from each member at the end of the day. In return, I’ll cut down your missions to only four per week.”

Four missions per week. That would give Saïx plenty of time to do some research in the library. Or to go through the research of the separate tasks Vexen and Zexion have been assigned. The secret experiments. Hmm… There are almost endless possibilities of what he could discover.

“Well?” Xemnas says.

Saïx shakes his head, bringing himself back to reality. “Yes,” he says. “I mean, that sounds fair, sir.”

He nods and waves him off. “You are dismissed.”

Saïx portals to the Grey Area. The only other members currently present are Xaldin and Lexaeus. Good. The last thing he needs is Axel getting on his case. He heads for his room and sorts through the reports sitting on the desk. He first sorts them by member, and then by day. Once they’re sorted, he reads through them to make sure they’re all filled out properly. This is a bit more of a process, but everything needs to be perfect. It needs to be authentic. And the most convincing thing Saïx can do now is treat Axel just like the other members. No special treatment.

Hopefully, someday, it truly will all be worth it.

_The devil’s on your shoulder_

_The strangers in your head_

_As if you don’t remember_

_As if you can forget_

_It’s only been a moment_

_It’s only been a lifetime_

_But tonight, you’re a stranger_

_Some silhouette…_

It’s late. Saïx is still up, filing through the week’s reports. He checks them off member-by-member. Xigbar. Check. Xaldin. Check. Vexen. Check. When he gets to Axel, he lets out a heavy sigh. The rest of the reports are set, but that stubborn redhead… He sits back, debating whether or not he wants to bother approaching him. Saïx could easily fake the reports for him. Just this one time.

No. Axel can’t keep trying to get away with this behaviour. He has to learn.

Next thing he knows, Saïx is on his feet. He travels one door down and knocks. He doesn’t wait for a response, though, and just grants himself entrance.

“Guess privacy ain’t a thing anymore,” Axel greets him. He’s standing at the window with his back turned to Saïx. “To what do I owe this honour?”

Saïx chooses to ignore the sarcasm. He doesn’t have the time or the energy to deal with it. “You didn’t turn in your reports this week,” he says. “Again.”

Now Axel turns to face him, sitting against the windowsill with his arms folded across his chest. “That’s right.”

He pauses. “Even Demyx has turned his in.”

“Don’t care.” He moves to lay on his bed. “I’m not filing the stupid reports.”

Saïx softly closes the door the rest of the way. “Do you even understand the consequences to this?”

Axel doesn’t budge. He continues to lay with his hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling. “Tch. If the Boss wants to turn me into a Dusk so badly, he can go right ahead and get it over with.”

Ugh. He almost wants to go _Berserk_ on him for saying something as stupid as that. “Why are you so against such a simple task? Why must you be so stubborn?”

“It ain’t the task. I’m against _you_ delegating the task.” He aimlessly waves a hand in the air. “Got it memorised?”

“Then don’t think of doing the task for Xemnas. Do it for me.”

Now Axel sits up and finally looks at Saïx. “Why are _you_ even doing this for him? I mean, all of a sudden, you do everything for him. It’s like you’re his little…assistant. Actually, that’s too gracious of a word. You’re his minion.” He scoffs, shaking his head. “Is all this truly voluntary? Or is he threatening you?” He swings his legs around and gets on his feet. “Or maybe he’s threatening me. And if that’s the case, then I don’t need you doing me any favours. I can handle him myself.”

Saïx swallows hard. “I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

“Because you won’t explain anything to me.” He shakes his head again. “It’s like you’ve willingly forgotten everything. Like none of it matters to you anymore. I’m sick of being the only one who still cares.”

Saïx lifts his fallen gaze from the floor to follow Axel as he walks around his bed and back to the window. The neon lights from the city outlines his silhouette. Had this been the life they once led, he would no longer recognise him. Then again, they’re no longer kids. They’ve done a lot of growing up, yet Saïx has never felt smaller.

“You’re not the only one,” he speaks up. Axel turns his head to the side but doesn’t look completely. Doesn’t turn his whole body. That’s enough for Saïx. For now. “I know what I’m doing.” He takes a deep breath. “If you knew what was good for you, you’d file those reports. I do know what’s good for you, which is why I’m urging you to do so.” He turns and places a hand on the knob of the door. “Please.”

With that, he takes his leave. He returns to his own room to finish filing through the rest of the reports. It’s not long before he hears his door open. He turns to see Axel stepping through the doorway. He walks up to Saïx and holds out a small stack of papers.

“For you,” Axel says.

As soon as Saïx takes the reports, Axel’s gone again. Saïx lets out a heavy sigh. This is what’s best for them both.

_Let’s go out in flames_

_So everyone knows who we are_

_Cuz these city walls never knew_

_That we’d make it this far…_

For once, Axel is the one avoiding Saïx. Ignoring him. He’s following through with his missions and filing all his paperwork, but he is doing everything in his power to stay clear of Saïx.

Saïx is not fond of this behaviour.

After turning in the day’s paperwork to the Superior, Saïx makes his way for—For Axel’s bedroom. He had had every intention to retire to his own for the evening, but now he just wants to see the redhead. And despite everything, he knows Axel could never turn him away.

He knocks on the door and goes to let himself in but decides to wait. A moment passes, so he knocks again. That’s when Axel opens the door.

“What happened to welcoming yourself?” Axel greets him.

“May I come in?”

He quirks an eyebrow before stepping aside, granting access to his room. Saïx steps in and waits for Axel to close the door. Another moment passes, and then Axel is moving to sit on his bed. He gestures to the open space beside him, Saïx hesitantly following his lead.

“This can’t be about paperwork,” Axel starts. “What’s on your mind?”

It’s a good question. Too bad Saïx doesn’t know the answer. “I know what I’m doing.”

“So you’ve said.”

“I have a plan,” he goes on. “To climb the ranks. And I thought I could do it on my own, but we’ve always been successful as a team, so—”

“Whoa, whoa, time out. Back up a sec.” Axel pauses. “What exactly do you mean to climb the ranks?”

“I want to know the Organisation’s purpose. I want to know why we’re here and what it is we’re fighting for. Don’t you?”

“Well…yeah, but—”

“So, you weren’t exactly wrong when you made the comment about me acting as the Superior’s… _assistant_. I want to earn his trust. I want him to confide in me. Maybe then we’ll get our answers.”

Axel seems to be considering this. “And you think this is a good idea?”

_We’ve become echoes_

_But echoes are fading away_

_So, let’s dance like two shadows_

_Burning out our glory days…_

A good idea. Hmm… Saïx can’t necessarily give a definitive _yes_ or _no_ to that. “I think it’s the only way.” He takes a deep breath before meeting the other’s burning gaze. “Will you help me?” Axel’s brow furrows and Saïx already knows what that means. “Xemnas is still wary of you,” he goes on. “Wary of your intentions. Your loyalty. If you do this—”

“I become his minion,” he says.

“No, it won’t be like that. None of us mean anything to Xemnas. We are all expendable. So, we need to make sure he has a reason to keep us.”

Another pause. “Have you thought this all the way through?”

“There’s only so far ahead I can plan. But it’s like I said before, don’t think of this as doing it for Xemnas. You’re doing these tasks for me.” Axel still looks uncertain and something akin to panic sets within Saïx’s gut. He needs to persuade him. To protect him. “Besides, we said that we would always stick together. That we would never turn on each other. And I wouldn’t put it past Xemnas to try and do just that. We can’t let him come between us, though. Plus, we’re keeping each other safe this way.”

Axel shakes his head, chuckling half-heartedly. “Tch. Ya sure know how to pull at a guy’s non-existent heartstrings.”

The breath catches in Saïx’s throat. “Does that mean you’ll help me?”

“On one condition.” He reaches out and gently brushes a few strands of Saïx’s growing hair from his face. “I’ll only accept orders and tasks that come from you directly. Even if they’re delegated down from Xemnas, you have to be the one giving them to me.”

He feels like he can breathe again. “That should be easy enough to arrange.”

Axel’s lingering hand travels to the nape of Saïx’s neck. He holds it lightly, bringing their foreheads together. Axel’s never been afraid of showing affection and Saïx never knew he would need it so much.

“What happens once you climb the ranks?” Axel soon asks.

“I… I’m not sure. I’ve been taking it one day at a time.”

“Well, tomorrow is a new day.” He pulls away and Saïx resists the urge to pull him back. “If the Boss is still wary of my motives, what makes you think he’ll trust your judgement of me?”

“I haven’t been giving you special treatment. I think that’ll be enough.”

He nods his head once. “What kind of missions will I be sent on?”

“They’ll be based on your skills. You’ll be given a bit of a variety, and then Xemnas will reevaluate and go from there.”

“Man…” He falls back on his bed with a heavy sigh. “Who knew it would ever come to this?”

Saïx lays back with him. “We’ll get through it.” He closes his eyes, thinking back to the moment this all began. “We’ve made it this far already.”

“Right,” Axel’s voice sounds off. “You and me.”

He swallows hard. “You and me.”

Saïx waits for the line. _Got it memorised_? It never comes. But he does; he has it memorised. He could never forget. Not even if he tries.

_The devil’s on your shoulder_

_Strangers in your head_

_As if you don’t remember_

_As if you can forget_

_It’s only been a moment_

_It’s only been a lifetime_

_But tonight, you’re a stranger_

_Some silhouette…_

As the days pass, Saïx assigns new missions to Axel. Missions outside the imagination of the other members. Missions that go past simple reconnaissance. And Axel excels at each and every one of them. Including filing his reports. Accurately and timely. His success has left the Superior quite impressed.

Meanwhile Saïx is both relieved and…concerned.

“Morning,” Axel greets him in the Grey Area after a couple weeks of this new setup. The other members have left for their missions already. “Whatcha got for me today?”

Today’s task for him is…simple, to say the least. Simple enough where Saïx could feasibly fake a report for it. He’s almost certain the Superior would never tell the difference. Hmm. He’s not as certain that it would be worth the risk.

“You can take the day off if you would like,” Saïx tells him. “You’ve been working hard, so I’d say you’ve earned it.”

He quirks an eyebrow. “Would the Boss agree with that?”

“Let me handle him.”

“You don’t gotta pull any strings for me.” He scratches the back of his head. “I’ll take on today’s mission, and maybe you can arrange an actual day off for me.”

He swallows hard. “Very well.” He then clears his throat. “It’s only a recon mission today, but it’s in a brand new world. Twilight Town.” He debriefs Axel on what it known of the layout of the world. “Think you can handle that?”

Axel grins. “You can count on me.” He opens a corridor but pauses. “Why don’t ya come with me? We can cover more ground together.”

Saïx knows it’s a bad idea. He needs to be at the Castle for when the other members return from their missions. To make sure they do return. But the look on Axel’s face… Damn it, he just can’t say no to it. So, they leave together. Once they come out the other side of the corridor, they’re standing before an abandoned, neglected mansion. The gates are wide open. Collapsed columns leading to the entrance. Ivy growing all over the place.

“Guess no one’s lived here for a while,” Axel says.

Saïx tilts his head as he examines the building. “How…quaint.”

Axel laughs. “C’mon, let’s get the work-part of this mission over with so we can hang out afterwards.”

“We can’t waste our time here.”

“Relax.” He faces Saïx, walking backwards into the wooded area. “I said we’re still gonna do the work.”

Saïx should go back now. He shouldn’t have even left. So, he should return to the Castle, but…he finds himself following Axel instead. And they explore this new world together. They confirm its layout and report on anything that stands out. Anything that could be significant. Like the underground tunnel system, for instance.

“I think that covers everything,” Saïx says. “We should return to the Castle now.”

“C’mon, let’s stay just a little bit longer.”

That sort of pleading used to work on Saïx every single time. Once upon a time… Now he only shakes his head. “I shouldn’t even be here.”

Axel sighs. “All right, fine.”

So, they return to the Castle. Upon entering the Grey Area, they find that they’re still the only two who are present.

“See? We got back before anyone else,” Axel says. “I bet no one even noticed you were gone. How could they?”

Saïx finds himself shaking his head again, chuckling under his breath. “Go. Rest for the remainder of the evening. I’ll take care of the paperwork for this one.”

“Ya sure?”

“Yes. Like I said, you’ve earned it.”

Axel smiles softly. His gaze drops momentarily, as if he’s searching for something to say. Fighting with himself about—Well, Saïx isn’t entirely sure. But then Axel is just walking away. Hmm. They used to be able to read each other so well, but now…

Sure, they still have their memories of emotions, but each day those memories fade a little bit more.

_Just hold me_

_Just hold me_

_Just hold me_

_Just hold me…_

Saïx straightens out the last of the day’s paperwork and adds it to the pile. He has no idea what time it is, but he’s sure it’s late. He’s always up late now. He can’t recall the last time he slept through the night. For one reason or another. Tonight, though, the paperwork took an extra amount of time. He kept getting distracted. Kept looking over his shoulder. Kept imagining he wasn’t alone.

He looks towards his door. Hmm. Axel is typically always up late, too. Perhaps he’s still up now, as well. Perhaps… He gets to his feet and makes his way for the other’s bedroom. When he reaches the door, he lifts his hand to knock, but stops himself. He then places a flattened palm against the door, resting his forehead on it. He can’t keep doing this. He can’t keep bothering Axel in the middle of the night. It’s not fair to either of them. So, he takes a step away from the door, his hand lingering. He turns away as his fingertips brush the surface until—

There’s a hand grabbing his own. He looks back to see Axel standing on the other side of the doorway. He gently tugs at Saïx’s hand, pulling him into the room. Into _him_. He wraps his arms around Saïx. Once Saïx gets past the initial shock of the notion, he buries his face in the crook of Axel’s neck. _When did he get so tall_? Tch. Like that’s what matters. All that matters is Axel’s warmth. The fact that Saïx is able to—To _feel vulnerable_. Yet, that doesn’t make him uncomfortable. Because this is Axel.

Axel’s unabashed showing of affection has once again left Saïx speechless. Hell, he’s not sure he’ll ever understand how Axel has no issue with touch. Hands. Foreheads. No issue with holding him. Saïx will never complain about that, though. He’ll also never admit to enjoying it. To needing it.

He needs it now more than ever.

He feels Axel shift ever so slightly. Feels his hands move from the small of his back and find their way to his face, where they cup his cheeks. Axel lifts Saïx’s head to look at him. Even in the dark, those green eyes glow brighter than any flame. And there’s an intensity to them now.

Saïx finds himself unable to move, so he just squeezes his eyes shut. “We can’t.” His voice is barely audible. “We’re not supposed to be able to—”

“It’s not like we’re making it up,” Axel says. “We’re just…remembering.”

“It was never like this before.”

“Doesn’t mean it wasn’t there.”

He can’t deny that. Doesn’t want to deny it. And he keeps his eyes shut as he feels Axel shift even closer to him. Keeps his eyes shut as he feels lips that aren’t his. Tch. If he had a heart, this would be the moment when it would flutter. Skip a beat. Except his chest is nothing more than an empty cavity. As is Axel’s.

They’re Nobodies. A kiss won’t change that. A kiss won’t bring their hearts back. A kiss doesn’t mean anything. No matter how much Saïx wants it to.

_The devil’s on your shoulder_

_Strangers in your head_

_As if you don’t remember_

_As if you can forget_

_It’s only been a moment_

_It’s only been a lifetime_

_But tonight, you’re a stranger_

_Some silhouette…_

Saïx finds himself occupied with personalised missions for the next few days. Days he’s able to spend in isolation. Days he doesn’t have to worry about seeing Axel. He can’t see him. Not when he doesn’t know how to move past what happened. What never should have happened.

He already knows Axel won’t accept that.

When he does finally see Axel again, it’s in the Grey Area. Zexion, Demyx, and Xigbar are all present, as well, much to Saïx’s relief. There’s a look on Axel’s face, though… Saïx knows that look—remembers that look—and he can only hope that Axel isn’t about to do something stupid.

“Yo,” Axel greets him, stepping up to him. “Mind if we talk?”

“What is it you need to talk about?” Saïx asks.

He discreetly looks around at the others. “In private.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary.”

Axel may do stupid, reckless things at times, but he himself isn’t stupid. Saïx’s comment seems to be enough to make him understand. He nods his head, pursing his lips as he now steps away from Saïx.

“Never mind,” Axel goes on. “You’re busy, so I’ll just figure it out on my own. My reports might be a little late, though.” And he walks away.

“Uh oh…” Xigbar speaks up once Axel is gone.

Saïx inhales deeply. Sharply. “Yes?”

“Trouble in paradise, huh?”

No. He won’t let _Xigbar_ , of all people, get under his skin. “Weren’t you supposed to meet with the Superior not long ago?”

“He makes us wait for him all the time.”

“Yes. Well, you’ll never have to wait for him again if he turns you into a Dusk.”

He scoffs. “As if.” He then vanishes into a portal.

“Would either of you like to add your thoughts?” Saïx then asks.

Zexion stands at being addressed. “I’m going to rendezvous with Vexen and Lexaeus in the library.” And he takes his leave.

Demyx chuckles nervously. “Think I’ll just…go back to my room…” He jumps to his feet and waves to Saïx. “Nighty night.”

Saïx pinches the bridge of his nose before tracing the scar. He turns to the wall of windows to stare down his muted reflection. He’s not sure he remembers what his face looked like before he was marked with the _X_. The sigil. At the same time, though, he feels stupid for thinking that way. He looked exactly the same, just without the marking. So why does it feel so different? Why doesn’t he recognise himself?

As he makes his way to his own room, he pauses outside Axel’s door. Briefly. He knows better. Knows better than to knock. Than to let himself in. He knows this is what’s best. And that’s what he’ll keep telling himself until he believes it.

_Only been a moment_

_It’s only been a lifetime_

_But tonight, you’re a stranger_

_Some silhouette…_

Saïx would check the time if he could. He can’t, but he knows Axel should have returned from his mission by now. Yet, here he is, still waiting in the Grey Area for him. He takes a deep breath. Damn it… He should’ve known this would happen eventually.

Good thing he’s almost positive as to where to track him down.

Saïx opens a corridor and makes his way for Twilight Town. He starts his hunt at the old, rundown mansion. He then proceeds to make his way through the town. Except Axel is nowhere to be found. Hmm. His search ends at the clock tower. Just as he’s about to give up, he spots a speck of black at the top of the tower. He shakes his head. Of course.

He portals himself to the top of the tower. Sure enough, Axel is sitting right on the ledge, seemingly lost in thought. Saïx swallows hard before taking a tentative seat beside him. His presence isn’t acknowledged, but he doesn’t blame the other for that. After all, just how many times now has this situation been reversed?

“What are you doing here?” Axel soon asks.

At this point, Saïx isn’t sure how much time they’ve spent sitting here. He’s also not sure it matters. “You never RTC’d.”

“Because I haven’t returned yet.” He lets out a huff of a breath. A shell of a chuckle. “Did the Boss tell ya to come retrieve me?”

“No, I came on my own.” He glances over at Axel. “Is that so hard to believe?

“Tch. I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

That’s a dig at him. He chooses to ignore it—knows he deserves it—and returns his gaze ahead of him. “What is your fascination with this new world?”

“C’mon, ya can’t look at that,” Axel gestures to the sky, full of reds and oranges, before them, “and tell me you’re not fascinated.”

“It’s a sunset. You’ve seen a million of them.”

“They’re different in each world.”

Saïx’s gaze turns on Axel once again. He focuses on the purple upside-down teardrops upon his cheeks. _They’ll keep you from crying_. He almost regrets suggesting the charm. He almost hasn’t been himself ever since. Then again, that could partly be Saïx’s fault. Axel hasn’t been the only one with a poor attitude lately.

“Do you ever miss home?” Axel then breaks the silence. “Radiant Garden.”

“I try not to,” Saïx says.

“Yeah…”

Saïx means to reiterate the question, but he finds himself unable to speak. As if his vocal cords have been cut. There’s just not much left for him to say.

_Tonight, you’re a stranger_

_Some silhouette…_

The silence isn’t necessarily uncomfortable, but there’s only so long Saïx can go now. Way back when, before they lost their hearts, he and Axel—Lea—could go hours without the need to speak to one another. Hours sitting in silence. Enjoying each other’s company. It had been soothing.

They’re not kids anymore, though. They’re Nobodies. Numbers. Disposable. And there’s nothing reassuring about the thought of having to return to the empty Castle. Nothing reassuring about the Organisation. About strangers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those who celebrate, Happy Easter <3  
> To those who do not celebrate, Happy It's-Just-Another-Sunday x3
> 
> Next update will be Monday, April 20th (eastern US time)


	4. What You've Become

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "Where Is the Edge" by Within Temptation

_In the shadow awaits a desire_

_But you know that you can’t realise_

_And the pressure will just keep on rising_

_Now the heat is on…_

They’re gathered in the Round Room. All twelve of them. Axel hates these meetings. He doesn’t understand why they can’t just pass the information along. Seems like it would be so much easier. Then again, he’s sure the Boss just enjoys hearing himself talk.

“From this day onward,” Xemnas starts, “Number VII is our Second in Command. You will all report to him directly. He will only get me involved if deemed necessary.”

“What happened to the pecking order, here?” Xigbar asks.

“If you have a problem,” there’s that smugness in his tone, “you can take it up with your Second in Command.” And he’s gone.

“Each of you should already have your missions for the day,” Saïx speaks up. “You are dismissed.”

Axel sits back and waits as the other members take their leave, one-by-one. He waits until it’s just him and Saïx. Him and the _Second in Command_.

“You should be on your way,” Saïx goes on.

“It worked out, then,” Axel says. “You got what you wanted.”

“I wanted this for both of us.” He pauses. “We’ll have our answers soon enough.”

He folds his arms across his chest. “Guess I’m still trying to figure out how exactly this benefits me.”

“This essentially guarantees your safety. Your existence. If you keep doing what you’ve been doing for me, we can overtake the entire Organisation.”

“Why do you want that?” He scoffs. “I have no desire to be in control of any of this. I just wanna get out of it.”

“Do you still trust me?”

Tch. That’s a stupid question. At this point, Axel isn’t sure there’s anything Saïx could ever do to keep him mad. To cause him to lose his trust in him. His faith in him. As a kid, Isa was all he had. As a Nobody, Saïx is still all he has. He already lost Isa, so he refuses to lose Saïx, too. Even if that means becoming what he never wanted to be. As far as he knows, this is the only way for him to keep Saïx close.

“Do you even have to ask?” Axel finally speaks up.

“Good,” Saïx says. “You should be on your way, then.”

“Right.” He nods his head once. “Just…don’t let the title get to your head, yeah?” And he takes his leave.

Second in Command. Saïx. Tch. He managed to climb the ranks. Thanks to Axel doing all the dirty work. Something tells him, though, that it’s not over yet.

_It’s too late, there is no way around it_

_You have seen it yourself many times_

_In the end you will give up to fight it_

_Unescapable…_

It isn’t long before Axel is working through two or three separate missions a day. Recon missions. Tracking missions. Hunting missions. It’s like he can’t catch a break. He doesn’t seem to be the only one, though. The Grey Area is almost always empty now. There used to be three or four members around, but now each and every one of them is always out. There’s no rest.

Axel isn’t mad about the extra missions. He’s not even mad about the extra paperwork. What’s bothering him is knowing that Saïx is losing sleep over reading through and filing the extra paperwork. Every time he sees him, he looks more and more exhausted. More worn out. More emotionless. Sure, that may be ironic, but Axel doesn’t like what this new title is doing to Saïx. The effect it’s having on him.

“C’mon, you’ve always called me the reckless one, but you’re not faring any better,” Axel says to him one morning after all the others have left for their missions.

“How many times must I tell you that I know what I’m doing?” Saïx says back. “I have it all under control.”

“I’m not saying you don’t; I just…” He lets out a heavy sigh. “Don’t let Xemnas get inside your head. He’s manipulative and—”

“This doesn’t sound like you trust me.”

“I _do_ trust you. It’s Xemnas I don’t trust. Don’t ya see what he’s doing? He’s overworking you and, in return, you’re overworking all of us. It’s a mind game to weed out the weak links.”

“And what makes you so sure of that?”

“Tch. Call it a gut feeling.”

“Hmm.” He clears his throat. “If I were you, I wouldn’t make your suspicion of him so well-known.”

“What? You gonna rat me out or something? I thought we were in this together.”

“We are. I didn’t mean me. There are other members.”

“If you’re thinking Marluxia and Larxene, then forget it. They may not like me, but they dislike the Boss more.”

“Xigbar would have no qualms about getting you in trouble.”

“I don’t care.” Axel shakes his head. “I’m not worried about Xigbar or any of them. I’m worried about you.” The words are out before he can fully process them in his own mind. Damn it. This isn’t gonna end well now. “I didn’t mean—”

“Stop,” Saïx says. “It is not your job to worry. Don’t be so childish.”

Yeah. He knew that was coming. He bites his tongue. “Sorry.” He then clears his throat. “Guess I’ll be on my way.”

_Don’t be so childish_. Infamous words. Then again, Axel’s almost surprised Saïx didn’t tell him to not worry about such trivial things. Now _that_ phrase would’ve opened a _whole other_ can of worms. Because Saïx isn’t trivial. And Axel will worry.

_Cuz you’re losing your mind_

_And you sleep in a world of the lies…_

It’s rare when Axel gets summoned directly to Saïx’s room. Saïx always tries so hard for them to always speak in open spaces. Parts of the Castle with privacy, yet where another member could still interrupt. Ever since the incident… Tch.

Axel’s learned his lesson since then. He knows better now. Knows to keep his hands to himself.

He can’t keep his eyes to himself, though. Especially now. Saïx is briefing him on his next series of missions, yet Axel can only focus on his eyes. Huh. They used to be…teal. Like the ocean. They used to be _bright_. But the gleam in them seems to be gone. Like they’ve lost their sheen.

Now they seem to be…empty.

_Where is the edge_

_Of your darkest emotions_

_Why does it all survive?_

_Where is the light_

_Of your deepest devotion_

_I pray that it’s still alive…_

Another restless night. Tch. Axel can’t remember the last time he actually slept through the night. He’s always waking up for one reason or another. Tonight, he just can’t sleep. It’s as simple as that.

Before the Organisation, during nights like these, he would sneak out and head to Isa’s place. Throw stones at his window to get his attention. Then the two of them would walk around Radiant Garden until the first signs of the sunrise. Axel—Lea—would always risk getting caught to make sure Isa made it home with _out_ getting caught. The risk had always been worth it.

Against his better judgment, he decides to try that now. He slips out of his own room and moves to the next door over. He knocks twice and waits. He knocks again when there’s no answer. After another moment, he cracks the door open.

Saïx isn’t there.

The door swings the rest of the way open in his surprise. This is…strange. Saïx is always up late, but he’s also always in his room. So, where is he? Hmm… Well, there are only so many places in the Castle Axel could look. Only so many places Saïx could be.

It doesn’t take long for him to track him down.

Axel makes it down the long hallway to the Grey Area, and there’s Saïx. Standing by the wall of windows, his back to the room. Axel approaches him, a sense of dread coming over him. Dread? Is he allowed to still call it that? He shouldn’t be able to feel it, after all. He shakes his head. Not what’s important. As he nears Saïx, he reaches his hand out.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” a deep voice speaks up. Axel freezes on the spot, only turning once he hears the undeniable sound of a corridor opening and closing. “It could be dangerous,” Xemnas goes on.

“Dangerous?” Axel says.

“For you or for him. Depends on how in control he is.”

“In control? What are you—?” He doesn’t finish his thought, just turns back to Saïx. He places a hand on his shoulder to turn his body. He jumps back ever so slightly at the sight of glowing eyes. “Isn’t this—” He focuses on the Superior again. “What’s going on? Why is he in this state? I thought it was some sort of battle mode only.”

“He’s training. One cannot learn to control a technique unless one practices.”

“But he’s not even doing anything. How is that training?”

“It’s as I said, Number VIII, he is learning to control it.”

“Well, looks like he has plenty of control, so tell him to snap out of it.”

“He’ll come to when he’s ready.”

Axel’s hands clench into fists. His attention shifts to Saïx once more, and he grabs him by both shoulders. “C’mon, Saïx, snap out of it. You don’t need this.”

“That is not for you to decide,” Xemnas says. “Number VII is quite capable.” He appears between Axel and Saïx then, separating them. “Now, I suggest you return to your room for the remainder of the night.”

Axel doesn’t argue. He knows he can’t. He shouldn’t. Not against Xemnas. So, he does as he’s told and returns to his bedroom. After all, there’s not much else he can do. Especially with the Boss interfering. _He is learning to control it_. Tch. More like Xemnas is figuring out just how much he can control Saïx while he’s in that state. If only Axel could call him out on it.

For now, he’ll leave it alone.

_It’s a rule that you live by and die for_

_It’s the one thing you can’t deny_

_Even though you don’t know what the price is_

_It is justified…_

The one upside to being given a series of missions is the fact that, once Saïx has told Axel his personal tasks, he doesn’t have to report to the Grey Area each and every morning. This is one of those mornings that he just can’t—doesn’t want to—deal with the Second in Command.

Saïx, of course, seems to have other ideas.

He appears in Axel’s room using a corridor. That’s the first clue something is wrong. He doesn’t want Xemnas knowing where he is. At least, that’s what Axel suspects.

“Please, come in,” he greets Saïx.

“Now is not the time,” Saïx says, disregarding his sarcasm. He sits on the edge of Axel’s bed. That’s the second clue something is wrong. “There’s going to be another meeting soon. It’s about…” He takes a deep breath. “It’s about Kingdom Hearts.”

Axel sits beside him. “What’s that?”

“It’s what we’re fighting for. The purpose of the Organisation. To create Kingdom Hearts and regain hearts of our own.”

“So…is that why we’re fighting these Heartless creatures?”

“Quite possibly, except…” He lets out a heavy sigh. “None of us have the proper weapon needed to actually collect the hearts.”

Axel jumps back to his feet. “Then what the hell are we even doing? What’s the point of us being here?”

“Apparently we’re still able to help the cause.”

“How?”

Saïx seems at a loss for words. “I’m…not quite sure yet. But we can’t believe this has all been for nothing.”

“Tch.” He shakes his head. “If we’re having a meeting about this, then why are you telling me now?”

“Because we’re in this together.” Saïx then returns to his feet, as well. “Or did you not get that memorised?”

Axel can’t help but chuckle at this. The supposedly good feeling doesn’t last. “What’s in it for you?”

His brow furrows. “Excuse me?”

“You know as well as I do that you never do anything without a reason anymore. Without knowing it’ll somehow benefit you.”

He’s at a loss for words again. “I see.” He clears his throat. “So that’s what you think of me now?”

“That’s how you’ve been acting. What else am I supposed to think?”

“Hmm.” He opens another corridor. “You should be off to your mission soon.”

Axel nods his head once. “I’m on it.” He then watches Saïx as he takes his leave, letting out a heavy sigh as soon as he’s gone. “Give me a reason to change my mind, Isa.”

_So much more that you’ve got left to fight for_

_But it still doesn’t change who you are_

_There is no fear you’ll ever give in to_

_You’re untouchable…_

As exhausted as Axel is when he returns from his mission that day, he still stays up long enough to get through the paperwork. And when he does finish it, he hand-delivers it to Saïx. He thanks Axel and Axel waves him off, but he doesn’t make it very far before Saïx is stopping him.

“This isn’t the mission we had discussed,” he says.

“Oh…yeah, about that,” Axel starts. “The Boss intercepted me this morning and gave me a new mission.”

Saïx blinks once before lifting his gaze to Axel. “Xemnas displaced the mission I gave you for his own?”

“That’s right.”

He sets the paperwork down. “What happened to accepting and following direct orders from me and only me?”

Axel shrugs his shoulders. “I dunno.” He had been hoping he could’ve avoided this being made such a big deal. Tch. Wishful thinking. “Guess I figured it would’ve come from you anyway, so…what’s the difference?”

“Except I had no idea about this mission.” He flips through the paperwork. “There was no mention of its execution or even a need for it.”

“Well, I dunno what to tell ya. That ain’t part of my job description.” He heads for the door. “Maybe Second in Command isn’t all it’s worked up to be.”

“Just a moment,” Saïx stops him again.

Damn it. If only he could say _no_ to him. “Yeah?”

“What exactly urged you to willingly accept a mission from Xemnas?”

“It’s just like I said: I figured it would’ve come from you otherwise.”

“It didn’t, though. And, at the beginning, you clearly stated that you wouldn’t accept any orders unless they came from me directly.”

Another shrug. “Things change. Besides, Xemnas approached me about it himself. What was I supposed to do? Tell him that I had to wait for your permission? Tch. I don’t think that would’ve gone over very well.”

Saïx doesn’t seem all too thrilled by that explanation. “At least let me know next time this happens. And before you leave for the mission, if you can. It could’ve been a trap.”

Axel chuckles half-heartedly. “C’mon, you don’t gotta act like you still give a shit. I’m a big boy; I can take care of myself now.”

He’s taken aback by this. Axel leaves before Saïx can respond. And as soon as he’s back in his own room, he releases the breath he hadn’t realised he had been holding. Man, this is more complicated than he thought it would be. It’s what has to be done, though.

He’ll continue to help Saïx with whatever it is he needs, but Axel also needs to finally let go of any emotional attachment he’s still holding onto. He needs to let go of the memories. And goading Saïx to do the same is the only way.

It’s taken him this long to figure it out, but he’s learned that it’s the only way to keep them both safe.

_Cuz you’re losing your mind_

_And you sleep in a world of the lies…_

Axel’s interactions with Saïx are limited after that conversation. They only speak to each other on a need-to-know basis. When it’s required. So, Axel spends most of his free time on his own. He doesn’t bother conversing with any of the others much.

Doesn’t help that the only thing anyone ever talks about now is Kingdom Hearts.

It’s when Saïx calls upon Axel to discuss his next mission that Axel realises his mistake of the distancing. Saïx keeps his back to Axel as he explains to him the tasks he’s expected to carry out. This doesn’t bother Axel; it no longer makes a difference to him. Any form of contact between the two of them is practically nonexistent now. But the moment Saïx finally does turn to face him—Well, it’s the moment Axel’s heart would’ve stopped if he had one.

The once teal eyes _Lea_ adored so much…are golden.

_Where is the edge_

_Of your darkest emotions_

_Why does it all survive?_

_Where is the light_

_Of your deepest devotion_

_I pray that it’s still alive…_

This is new.

The nightmares that usually keep Axel up are nightmares of losing his heart. Nightmares of watching _Isa_ lose his heart. Once he’s awake, though, it’s the guilt that keeps him from falling back asleep.

But this… Yeah, this is new. It’s different. A nightmare of being stared down by golden eyes.

When Axel first saw it, he tried telling himself he had imagined it. That he was just tired, and his mind had made it up. The next time he saw Saïx, though, there was no denying it. No convincing himself it was all in his head. His eyes are deep amber-gold now.

Axel sits up and breathes. Deep. He tries calming himself, not wanting to think about the nightmare. About eye colour. Damn it, he just wants to sleep. He wants to sleep and wake up and realise that _this_ was all some crazy nightmare. Except he’s been wishing for that for far too long now for it to ever come true.

He slips out of bed and sneaks from his room. He passes by Saïx’s and notices that the door is open just a crack. He peaks inside to find that it’s empty. So, he makes his way for the Grey Area. Huh. Empty. He steps up to the panel of windows and looks up towards the sky. A new moon is forming. What they’ve been told will be Kingdom Hearts. Right now, barely the point is fully shaped. Then it hits him.

He opens a dark corridor and when he emerges from the other side, he’s on the roof of the Castle. The Alter of Naught. And there he is. Saïx, hovering ever so slightly off the ground. Maybe about six inches. Axel looks around and once he’s sure there’s no sign of Xemnas, he approaches Saïx. He walks around him until he can see his face. Eyes aglow. Scar enlarged. Jagged. _He is learning to control it_. The words echo through his head. Tch. Saïx doesn’t need this. Axel doesn’t want him to need it. But he’s pretty sure he gave up his right to tell Saïx he’s being reckless a long time ago. Too much has changed and not for the better.

One thing that hasn’t changed, though, is Axel’s concern for Saïx. No matter how distant and detached he acts, he could never truly stop caring.

He observes Saïx for a moment. He looks void of emotion. Empty. Axel brings a hand to his cheek. Brushes his fingertips over the upside-down teardrop. _A charm. It’ll stop you from crying_. Tch. Maybe the physical act, yeah, but it doesn’t stop the urge. Doesn’t stop that sharp, choked up feeling in his throat.

He soon reaches for Saïx’s hand. He’s not sure if it’s a good idea or what will happen, but he doesn’t care. He takes Saïx’s hand and the reaction is almost immediate. The glowing of his eyes’ dims. The size of his scar decreases. It becomes less pointed. His feet return to the ground. It’s certainly more graceful of an exit than the first time Axel encountered him in this state. Still just as weak, though. Once he’s on his feet again, he collapses into Axel’s arms.

“Damn it, Isa,” he speaks up, his voice soft. Axel brushes a couple strands of hair out of Saïx’s face. “What has he done to you?”

He waits another moment, but when Saïx doesn’t come to, Axel lifts him and summons another corridor. He brings Saïx to his room and carefully places him on his bed. It takes everything in him not to stay, but he knows better. So, he leans over Saïx and tentatively places the softest of kisses upon his forehead.

Axel has a strange sense this is the last moment of amity he’ll get with Saïx.

_You can’t stop yourself_

_Don’t want to feel_

_Don’t wanna see what you’ve become_

_You can’t walk away_

_From who you are_

_Never give in…_

The next series of missions Axel receives are all from Xemnas directly. Unlike before, Saïx now has nothing to say on the matter. If he does, he’s keeping it to himself. Not that Axel has time to be concerned about such… _trivial matters_ , as Saïx himself would put it.

Saïx is quiet only until, of course, he decides to finally speak his mind.

Axel’s current string of missions, given to him by the Superior, has him returning to the Castle late more often than not. After at least a week of this, he finds Saïx waiting for him in the Grey Area. The corridor closes and he takes a moment before sitting beside Saïx on the couch. Saïx’s legs are crossed, his hands folded together and resting on his knee. He’s not looking at Axel, so Axel tries not to look, either.

“I trust you’re not straining yourself,” Saïx speaks up.

“That why you think I’ve been getting back so late?” Axel scoffs as he stretches, spreading his arms across the back of the couch. “C’mon, I got everything under control.”

“Do you?”

“Of course.” He’s not quite sure what game Saïx is playing at or what point he’s trying to make. Axel won’t give him the satisfaction, though. “The Boss wouldn’t have entrusted me with these tasks if he didn’t think I could handle them.”

“Yes. Tasks that you never would have even considered accepting when we first joined the Organisation.”

“What can I say?” He shrugs his shoulders. “Desperate times call for desperate measures, y’know?”

Saïx purses his lips before rising to his feet. “This isn’t like you.”

Axel somehow manages to hold back an eyeroll as he pushes himself to his feet, as well. “Like you’ve been yourself lately.” He folds his arm across his chest. “Least I don’t have some _berserk_ mode.”

“Please, don’t be so childish. What does that have to do with anything?”

“Don’t get me started.”

That’s the end of the conversation. At least, Axel wants it to be the end. Before he can get far, though, Saïx’s hand is on his shoulder, stopping him. He shrugs him off, but Saïx is relentless, reaching for him again. Axel doesn’t want it to come to this, but he pushes the other off him. Pushes him until his back is against the window panel. He pins Saïx there and they both stop to breathe. Deep, heavy breaths.

Axel is transported back to the moment the changes happened. A moment similar to this one, yet less hostile. Just as close. He closes his eyes and presses his forehead to Saïx’s. Maybe he can imagine—pretend—that this actually means something. That something could actually come from this. Saïx hasn’t pushed him away yet, so that has to be a good sign. So, he dares to press a bit closer…

“You know as well as I do that this won’t make a difference,” Saïx soon says in the softest of voices. “It won’t make anything better.”

That’s when Axel retreats. He opens his eyes only to be met with golden orbs staring back at him. Gold. Not teal. There’s no denying this man before him is no longer Isa. Any trace of Isa is long gone.

He steps back, releasing Saïx. “You’re right,” he says. “You and me, huh?” He continues stepping away from him. “Talk about a joke.”

Saïx doesn’t even react to the comment. Good. That makes walking away that much easier for Axel.

_Where is the edge_

_Of your darkest emotions_

_Why does it all survive?_

_Where is the light_

_Of your deepest devotion_

_I pray that it’s still alive_

When Axel arrives in the Grey Area that morning, no one else is around. Not even Saïx. He’d find this strange if he wasn’t then summoned to the Round Room. He rolls his eyes, letting out a heavy sigh. What could it be now? Opening a corridor, he prepares himself for whatever this meeting could possibly be about. As soon as he’s in his designated chair, though, he realises that none of the other members are present. None other than Saïx and the Superior.

“Good Morning, Number VIII,” Xemnas greets him. “I trust you were able to sleep quite well.”

He folds his arms across his chest. “Sure.” He glances over at Saïx for the briefest moment. “What’s this about?”

“A new mission,” Saïx speaks up. “It’s unlike any of the others you’ve been assigned to, though.”

“Fire away.”

Saïx looks to Xemnas, who nods his head once at him in response. As if Saïx is asking for permission to continue speaking. He then brings his attention back to Axel, who’s trying his damnedest not to roll his eyes at the interaction.

“It’s a tracking mission, but it’s not any type of Heartless that you’ll be attempting to hunt down,” Saïx goes on. “Your target is a potential threat to the Organisation.”

“Someone like us?” Axel asks. “Or someone with a heart?”

Saïx quirks an eyebrow, almost as if he’s caught off guard by the question. By the mere implication of it. “Does it matter? They are a threat and they must be eradicated as swiftly as possible.”

“What about them makes them a threat?”

“I must ask again if it truly matters.”

“Well, if they impose a threat, I’d like to know how to prepare to face them.”

“Enough,” Xemnas takes over. “You’ve asked enough questions, Number VIII. Now, give us your answer.”

Axel swallows hard. “I’m your guy.”

“Excellent.” He shifts ever so slightly in his seat. “Number VII will give you the rest of the information you’ll need.” And then he’s gone.

He takes a deep breath before focusing on Saïx. “Well?”

Saïx tells him all he needs to know. Axel does his best to listen, but he can never focus on anything other than Saïx’s eyes now. He focuses on them and tries to imagine that they’re still teal.

“Do you understand?” Saïx then says.

“Huh?” Axel shakes his head. “Oh. Yeah. Got it.”

He sighs. “This is serious, Axel. If you do not succeed on this mission, Xemnas will have you turned into a dusk.”

He scoffs, chuckling under his breath. “Always the same threat.”

“Always a serious threat.”

It’s small moments like this that almost make Axel want to smile. That cause a warmth to spread through his chest. A false warmth that always leaves him feeling colder once it dissipates. A false warmth. A false hope. A false sense of _it can get better_. Tch. It’s been too long now. Axel doesn’t ever see this situation getting any better. Especially now with the change of colour to Saïx’s eyes. It means something. Axel isn’t sure what, but—

“Number VIII,” Saïx says, bringing him back to reality.

“Don’t call me that,” Axel says.

“Your name didn’t seem to be working.”

He purses his lips. “Either way, ya don’t gotta worry about me. Or pretend to worry. I know what I’m doing. I haven’t failed a mission yet.”

Saïx’s face has hardened. “There’s a first for everything.”

“Tch.” Axel cocks his head to the side. “I’ll RTC and report once the so-called threat has been eliminated.”

“Do not rush this mission.”

Axel salutes him with two fingers. “Aye, Second.” And he takes his leave.

Eradication. Elimination. This is crossing a line Axel never thought he’d cross. Like Saïx said, though, there’s a first for everything. And this will be Axel’s first step to forgetting about he who is. About who he thought he was meant to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update will be Tuesday, April 28th 
> 
> ~~~~
> 
> From this point on, there will be what I call “overlapping moments.” All this means is that there are certain scenes that will resurface in different chapters and give y’all the chance to read them from both Axel’s pov AND Saïx’s pov. The flow of time won’t be exactly linear either, as in the start of each new chapter won’t always pick up exactly where the last chapter left off. Some chapters may start before the technical timeline of the previous chapter had ended. For example, if the previous chapter ended on day…264 (random number), then the next chapter may still start on day 258 (still random). I hope that makes enough sense lmao


	5. Walk Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "Firefly" by Breaking Benjamin
> 
> ~~~~
> 
> From this point on, I will technically be "stealing" actual scenes and moments from the games themselves, but elaborating on inner thoughts and reactions and whatnot. (Not every scene, but some). Also, it won't all be word-for-word; I've added extra dialogue here and there.

_You, my friend_

_You’re a lot like them_

_But I caught your lie_

_And you know I did_

_Now I’m lost in you_

_Like I always do_

_And I’d die to win_

_Cuz I’m born to lose…_

There are still mornings now and then when Saïx will awake, but keep his eyes shut. He’ll lay in bed and allow himself to remember. He’ll pretend that when he opens his eyes, he won’t be surrounded by white walls. He won’t have to adorn himself with a black coat. He won’t have a scar on his face. Better yet, he’ll pretend he hasn’t lost the last ten years of his life.

This is one of those rare mornings.

The moment doesn’t last long. He gets summoned by the Superior to meet him Where Nothing Gathers. Saïx takes a deep breath and sits up as he finally opens his eyes. He’ll never understand why he still tries to pretend. To imagine. To hope. The concept alone is useless. Futile.

His time in the Round Room doesn’t last long, either. Xemnas presents Saïx with evidence of a possible mutiny, which Saïx is then told to pass along to Axel. From there, Saïx tracks down Axel, catching him in Nothing’s Call.

“Axel,” he speaks up, making his presence known. Axel stops and turns to face him, not speaking a word. “I have a message from Lord Xemnas,” Saïx goes on once they’re face-to-face. “Among the members assigned to Castle Oblivion, there are traitors. Find them and dispose of them.”

Axel quirks an eyebrow. “I trust that really came from Lord Xemnas himself.”

“That is neither here nor there. Just keep in mind, there is still much to unveil.”

“Yeah, yeah, the _hidden agenda_.” He shakes his head with a sigh. “Man, and I remember a time when you thought I was the compliant one.” He places his hands on his hips. “Talk about in too deep, huh?”

Saïx keeps a straight face. “Good luck.”

Axel waves him off. “I don’t need luck.”

He takes his leave before Saïx has the chance to respond. His jaw sets, and he then makes his way for the Grey Area. He appears behind Roxas, who seems to be searching the room. Hmph. Three guesses for who…

“If you’re looking for Axel,” Saïx starts, “he’s gone.”

With that, he takes his position by the window. He continues to observe Roxas, though. The child seems somewhat at a loss now. Saïx can only imagine why. He _would_ be lost with Axel; he’s far too dependent of him. Pairing them for missions had been a mistake. It has always been like Axel to take in stray pups, though. At least that’s one thing about the redhead that hasn’t changed.

Saïx shakes his head. This isn’t what he should be focusing on. There are more important matters at hand. Far more important than whatever…fabricated friendships Axel may be forming with the Keyblade wielder.

Far more important. Hmm…

_Firefly_

_Could you shine your light?_

_Now I know your ways_

_Cuz they’re just like mine_

_Now I’m justified_

_As I fall in line_

_And it’s hard to try_

_When you’re open wide…_

Another morning starting with another meeting in the Round Room. Saïx can only take so much of that room before it starts making him dizzy. He pushes that sensation aside, though. When he arrives, he finds Xigbar there as well as Xemnas. Huh. That’s peculiar. So that can only mean one thing…

“We have reports in from Castle Oblivion,” Xemnas starts. “It seems the entire team has been annihilated.”

“The entire team?” Xigbar says.

“Every last one of them.”

Saïx tries to quickly process this information. _Every last one of them_. Axel was on that team. There’s no way he could’ve gone down with the others. He’s always been too stubborn. Besides, he wasn’t— “Well, they were all traitors, were they not?” Saïx speaks up. Except for Axel. “Isn’t this what we wanted?”

“As if,” Xigbar goes on. “I don’t remember ever agreeing to getting our numbers cut in half.”

“A necessary sacrifice.”

He scoffs. “I’m surprised Flamesilocks went down with the lot. He was a loudmouth, but I never would’ve picked him as a traitor.”

“He was not,” Xemnas takes over. “Number VIII is an unfortunate loss, yes, but another necessary sacrifice, nonetheless. He was the only one I trusted in being successful with the disposal of the others.”

“What about the kid? Sora?” Xigbar folds his arms across his chest. “I’m sure he helped some.”

“He helped tremendously,” Xemnas says, faint traces of a grin tugging at the corners of his lips. “His job is not yet over, though.” He turns to Saïx. “Number VII, be sure to report to the members left of the loss of the others. Their workload will now be doubled due to the casualties.”

Saïx nods his head once. “Of course, sir. I will pass along the information at once.” And he takes his leave.

He doesn’t head for the Grey Area, though. Not right away. First, he goes to Axel’s room. His _old_ room. He stands at the foot of the bed and looks around. Of all the things he’s imagined, he never imagined an existence without Axel. Never thought he would have to. But now that he’s gone…

Well, he’ll just have to pretend it doesn’t bother him.

_Take my hand_

_We’ll be off and then_

_We’ll come back again_

_To a different land_

_Now I like this way_

_You can go away_

_If you guess the name_

_You cannot replace…_

Each night, Saïx feels the paperwork has doubled despite the Organisation losing half its members. Each night, he expects to see reports from Axel and when he doesn’t—He’s not sure what this overwhelming sensation is. Not sure what to call it. Not sure what to make of it. All he knows is that it keeps distracting him. He’s been trying so hard not to think about it that now it’s _the only_ thing he can think about.

He sits back with a heavy sigh. The rest of the paperwork will have to wait. He decides to take a stroll around the Castle instead. This activity is cut short, though, when he walks by Axel’s old room. Nothing wrong with a detour. Except he’s gone into this room every single night since learning the news of Axel’s demise. How long has it been now…? Saïx can’t keep track of anything anymore.

He sits on the edge of the unslept in bed. He drags his fingertips along the cold sheets, tracing the wrinkles. He never thought it would come to this. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked Axel to eliminate the traitors. Perhaps Saïx should’ve figured out a way to make them all turn against each other during their time in Castle Oblivion. Make traitors take out traitors. Then he could’ve kept Axel here. Could’ve kept him—

He shakes his head and returns to his feet. There’s no reason for him to feel like this. No _way_ for him to feel like this. It doesn’t make any sense. Without a heart, he shouldn’t have the need to mourn. The desire to mourn.

Breathing deep, he walks around to the other side of the bed to stand by the window. He places his hands on the sill and looks out over the world. Towards the neon lights. Hmm. When he and Axel first arrived in this world, they used to spend so much of their free time just watching the lights. Saïx never cared what they were doing, so long as he was in Axel’s company.

The company now is…mediocre, at best. No one worth his while. Nobodies and puppets. Then again, is he really any better than them? It’s difficult for him to keep telling himself that he is.

_Firefly_

_Could you shine your light?_

_Now I know your ways_

_Cuz they’re just like mine_

_Now I’m justified_

_As I fall in line_

_And it’s hard to try_

_When you’re open wide…_

Saïx doesn’t bother with knocking; he just lets himself into the bedroom. Axel is standing by the window with his back facing the door. His stance is so nonchalant. As if the last few weeks have meant nothing. As if they’ve had no effect on him. Tch. Saïx breathes deep, sensing something akin to anger bubbling up within him.

Saïx closes the door behind him. “Why didn’t you report in?” Maybe, for once, they can go about this in a calm manner. Maybe.

“What?” Axel turns to face him, placing his hands on his hips. “Not even one little word of appreciation?”

“The only thing I’ve heard is that Naminé has gone missing.”

“There one minute, gone the next.” He shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know how she got out.”

“Did you search every room?”

“Are you kidding?” He chuckles, although it doesn’t sound sincere. It doesn’t sound like the same laugh Saïx had grown up with. _Isa_ had grown up with. Then again, he supposes that would make sense. “You know as well as I do that searching through every room there is impossible.”

Saïx shakes his head at this. “And the chamber? Did you find it?”

“C’mon, I would’ve told you that much,” Axel says, scratching the back of his head. Saïx isn’t sure if he should believe it. “I gotta hand it to ya…” Axel goes on. “About Marluxia being one of the traitors.” He sits on the edge of his bed. “You knew exactly what was up from the start.”

“Hmm.” Saïx almost scoffs but holds it back. “I merely rounded up and sent off the ones who were getting in the way.”

“Whoa, there.” Axel looks offended and it’s laughable. “Was I one of those you wanted to erase?”

Now he does scoff. “You’re here, aren’t you?” He cocks his head to the side. “Good to see you made it back safe.”

“I disposed of Zexion, by the way,” Axel says as Saïx is walking out.

Saïx barely glances over his shoulder in response. _A necessary sacrifice_. He gives a small nod but doesn’t say a word. He has nothing more to say. He’s spent the last—Tch. He doesn’t even know how long. He’s spent too long believing Axel was gone, though. Too long believing he would never see him again. Believing it was his fault.

Maybe he is to blame.

_Bring me your enemies_

_Lay them before me_

_And walk away_

_Walk away_

_Walk away…_

It’s while Saïx is walking through Twilight’s View that he hears it. Laughter. He turns the corner from the Hall of Empty Memories to see Axel, Roxas, and Xion coming from the other side. He can’t hear what they’re talking about; he can only hear their laughter. Tch. Insufferable and obnoxious.

When the three spot him, Roxas and Xion practically scurry away. Not Axel. He stays behind and steps right up to Saïx. Axel towers over him just enough to make him believe he’s intimidating. Or so Saïx can only presume.

“What? Gonna chastise us for laughing now?” Axel speaks up.

That would be a ridiculous notion. “You can pretend to feel any emotion you want. Just keep it mind that none of it is genuine.”

“Yeah, I’ll get right on memorising that.”

He turns to walk away. To rejoin Roxas and Xion. Before he can get far, though, Saïx’s hand is on his shoulder. When Axel glances back at him, he looks almost surprised. Saïx isn’t even sure what he’s trying to accomplish. He just—Damn it, he can’t help but recall a time when _he_ was the one Axel would always walk to. Never away from. Saïx doesn’t want to remember that. Doesn’t want to be weighed down by so-called past emotional attachments. There’s nothing left. So why hold on? Hell, he thought he already let go.

“Well?” Axel goes on.

Saïx returns to the moment, lifting his gaze to meet the burning one staring back. His hand retreats, and he turns away from the other. He waits for the sound of footsteps. For the sound of three pairs of them. Just when he thinks they won’t come he hears Axel sigh and finally walk away.

He knew it would’ve been too good to be true.

_Firefly_

_Could you shine your light?_

_Now I know your ways_

_Cuz they’re just like mine_

_Now I’m justified_

_As I fall in line_

_And it’s hard to try_

_When you’re open wide…_

While on his way to the Grey Area, Saïx takes a detour to Axel’s room. He raises a hand but decides to just grant himself entrance instead. The matter at hand does not have room for any privacy.

“Ever heard of knocking?” Axel greets him.

“As much as I enjoy this banter,” Saïx starts, “must we go over this every time?”

He rolls his eyes. “What do you want?”

He pauses for a moment, debating how to phrase the query. “Tell me what Xion has been doing.” He decides a command is the best course of action.

“How should I know?” Axel cocks his head down and to the side, avoiding any and all eye contact. “I’m not spying on her.”

And that is the exact response Saïx had been anticipating. “The two of you look pretty close.”

“So what? Now I gotta rat on my friends to you?” He lifts his head to meet Saïx’s gaze. “I think you should just go.”

His _friends_? Tch. Saïx is almost entertained by the fact that Axel thinks he can actually be friends with a mere puppet. Yet, at the same time… Hmm. There’s a twinge of something else in the pit of his stomach. _Friends_? He’s gone off and he’s made new friends. And he’s willing to cover for them. To place his loyalty in their hands rather than _ratting them out_. Huh. Fine. If that’s the move Axel wants to make, then Saïx will play along.

“You and Xion will be going on the same mission today,” he says.

Axel uses that _stupid_ two-finger salute on him again. “Well, thank you, sir, for personally delivering that message to me.”

He takes a deep breath, almost feeling the need to prepare himself for the next part of this little talk. “We also need you to go back to Castle Oblivion soon.”

He quirks an eyebrow. “We?”

_Fucking firefly_

_Have you lost your light?_

_Now I hate your ways_

_Cuz they’re just like mine_

_So, you lost, my friend_

_Such a sorry end_

_And I don’t know why_

_So, I choke and smile…_

“Says Lord Xemnas?” Axel goes on.

It takes everything in Saïx not to scoff. “That castle hasn’t yet given up all its secrets. One even he doesn’t know of its whereabouts.”

“Even he doesn’t know?” He pauses. “You mean the chamber, right?” Now he shakes his head. “We turned that place inside out. Upside-down. If it’s there, we’re not gonna find it just by looking.”

“Then let me give you another reason.” Saïx doesn’t want to have to play this card, but it seems as if Axel is no longer giving him any other option. “Xion comes from the castle to which Naminé can be traced.” Axel’s eyes widen at this. Good. Saïx got a reaction out of him. “The place where both Naminé and Xion were born… It’s practically calling out for you.”

Axel scoffs. “Hmph. Whatever. As far as the castle goes, you’re the one who really wants to go there. By finding the room that Xemnas is searching for…” As he gets to his feet, he folds his arms across his chest. “You would find out everything about Xemnas’s true agenda. Am I right?”

“The Chamber of Repose,” Saïx says, “as well as the Chamber of Waking…” He looks out the window. Kingdom Hearts is visible from it and it’s nearly complete. “Xemnas has an agenda that he hasn’t told to anybody. We are bound to find some clues in the Chamber of Waking. And once we obtain those clues,” he looks back to Axel, “we’ll have the upper hand for our own objectives.”

His gaze has fallen to the floor once again. “I knew the time would come when Vexen and Zexion got in your way. That’s why I took the initiative,” he meets Saïx’s gaze, “and cleared the way to the top for you.” He points to himself using his thumb, his other hand on his hip. “I can handle all the dirty work. You go all the way to the top.”

Saïx is taken aback by this response. He hadn’t expected Axel to still be onboard with the original plan considering all that has transpired… Hmm. Perhaps he’s more loyal than Saïx has given him credit for. At the same time, though, there’s something nagging him in the back of his mind. Something telling him to doubt Axel. To doubt his actions.

Saïx swallows hard. “You will be going on a solo mission to Castle Oblivion.” He opens the door. “Expect the orders soon.” And he takes his leave.

Better to leave on a high note.

_Smile_

After wasting an entire day waiting, Saïx intercepts Axel on his way through Nothing’s Call. “What took you so long?” he asks.

Axel scoffs. “It’s my vacation; I can take all the time I want.” He casts Saïx a mere glance over his shoulder. “Since when do I have to check in with you?”

His jaw sets. Yeah, he knows exactly where the other had been. Exactly who he had been wasting time with. “You’re letting yourself get too attached to them.”

He waves him off, already walking away. “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say…”

Tch. _You and me_. “You know, you’ve changed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update will be on Wednesday, May 6th


	6. All A Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "Fire and Ice" by Within Temptation
> 
> ~~~~
> 
> I tried super hard to use all different artists for the songs, but I couldn't go through with it because some songs were just too good and worked too well to pass up, haha

_Every word you’re saying is a lie_

_Run away, my dear_

_But every sign will say your heart is dead…_

Axel stands at the foot of the empty castle. The traitors have been eliminated, one way or another. Naminé has made her escape. They Keyblade wielder fought his way through. Hmm... Axel gazes upon the mirage of stairs before him. To find is to lose and to lose is to find. Tch.

There’s nothing more he can do here.

He opens a corridor, pausing before stepping through. Damn it. He’s not ready to report into the Castle yet. To Saïx. He doesn’t want to go back, but… Where else can he go? He can’t just take off. They’d track him down. Turn him into a dusk. Nothing is worth that fate.

Either way, he can’t go back. Not yet.

_Bury all the memories_

_Cover them with dirt_

_Where’s the love we once had?_

_Our destiny’s unsure_

_Why can’t you see what we had?_

_Let the fire burn the ice_

_Where’s the love we once had?_

_Is it all a lie…?_

Sitting at the clock tower and eating ice cream with Roxas is just what Axel needs. Once he gets back to the Castle, he knows he’s gonna get a lot of backlash for taking extra time. Not that he necessarily cares. Axel knew there would be consequences for not returning right away. He prepared himself for those.

It’s funny, though…hearing the kid talk about how he had been worried about him. Axel doesn’t remember the last time he was told that. There’s no reason for anyone to tell him that. Not like anyone in the Organisation is really his friend. Not anymore.

He doesn’t think too much about that. Doesn’t dwell on it. Instead, he enjoys the moment. The ice cream. The sunset. A final moment of peace before what’s to come.

Saïx doesn’t waste any time. When he corners Axel in his room, the interrogation begins immediately. _Why didn’t you report in_? _Did you search every room_? _Did you find the chamber_? All stupid questions. Proof that he no longer trusts Axel to pass along information. Proof that he forgets the exact reason why Axel is even doing all this. Because it sure as hell isn’t for himself. Then again…

“I gotta hand it to ya…” Axel then starts. “About Marluxia being one of the traitors.” He sits on the edge of his bed. “You knew exactly what was up from the start.”

“Hmm.” Saïx lets out a huff a breath. “I merely rounded up and sent off the ones who were getting in the way.”

“Whoa, there.” He doesn’t know exactly what to make of that comment. “Was I one of those you wanted to erase?”

He scoffs. “You’re here, aren’t you?” He turns his head away. “Good to see you made it back safe.”

Tch. Axel wishes he would look him in the eye and say that. “I disposed of Zexion, by the way,” he then says as Saïx makes his way for the door.

Saïx responds with a barely noticeable nod, and proceeds to leave. Axel lets out a heavy sigh, standing and returning to the window. He leans on the sill, looking towards the neon lights.

“I moved things along just the way he wanted,” Axel goes on, speaking only to himself. “For now, at least.”

He’s not sure how much longer he can keep this up. Not sure how much longer he _wants_ to keep it up. It’s exhausting. It wouldn’t have bothered him, once upon a time. But now everything is changing all over again. He didn’t think it was possible for him and Saïx to grow more distant than they already are, but man, had he been wrong.

He pushes himself away from the window and collapses onto his bed. As uncomfortable as ever. As cold as ever. He rubs his hands back and forth along the sheets, remembering a time when he and Saïx would lay together in silence. Back when things were still kind of normal. Back when the promise still meant something.

The promise. Huh. Axel hasn’t thought about that in _ages_. It truly is fruitless now. And as he does think about it, he thinks about how much time has passed. He can’t believe it’s been a decade. Ten years of his life. Gone. A lifetime friendship. Gone.

So much for sticking together.

_And I still wonder_

_Why our heaven has died_

_The skies are all falling_

_I’m breathing, but why?_

_In silence, I hold on_

_To you and I…_

Axel lay on his bad, staring at the ceiling. Every day is getting harder to keep up this act. Whether it’s beating around the bush with Saïx or keeping some sort of secret from Roxas and Xion—Right. Xion. _Tell me what Xion has been doing_. No. Axel won’t spy. He won’t rat out his friends. Won’t pit them against Saïx. Against each other. It doesn’t have to be that way, so Axel will do whatever it takes to avoid it.

And now he has to go back to Castle Oblivion. Tch. That’s the last place he wants to be. He doesn’t understand why Saïx doesn’t just check it out himself. After all, he’d already told him that he searched everywhere he could. There’s no chamber, no matter how much Saïx wants to believe there is. He’s not sure if Saïx doesn’t trust him or doesn’t trust the layout of that castle. Either way, it seems unwarranted for Axel to have to go back. There’s nothing there. Nothing left.

Then again, if Axel feels this strongly about not returning, he would’ve told Saïx no. Huh. Can he tell Saïx no? If the order truly did come from Xemnas, he wouldn’t be able to turn it down without getting turned into a dusk. If the order came from Saïx, though… Axel’s not sure he’d be able to say no to him anyhow. Even after all they’ve been through and how much they’ve fallen apart, Axel will still do anything for him. It’s only fair. Pretty much everything that’s happened to Saïx is _because_ of him. Axel owes him.

_Xemnas has an agenda that he hasn’t told to anybody. Once we obtain those clues, we’ll have the upper hand for our own objectives_. Axel doesn’t even know what that means anymore. He’s not sure if he’s even still included in Saïx’s goals. A part of him wants to believe they’re still in this together, but Axel can’t say he wants the same things now. Hell, he’s not sure what he wants.

Except that’s not true. He knows exactly what he wants. _That’s why I took the initiative_. He wants out. He wants to escape the Organisation. To go home. He doesn’t want to have to worry about these stupid missions or reports anymore. _I can handle the dirty work_. No. He doesn’t want to keep fighting. He doesn’t want to keep secrets. To lie.

He wants to be in control again. He wants his heart and his life back. He wants to sit on the clock tower and eat ice cream with his friends. With Roxas and Xion and—

Too bad…he can’t have what he wants. It’s too far out of reach.

_Closer to insanity_

_Buries me alive_

_Where’s the life we once had?_

_It cannot be denied_

_Why can’t you see what we had?_

_Let the fire burn the ice_

_Where’s the love we once had?_

_Is it all a lie…?_

Almost as soon as Axel returns to the Castle from his rendezvous with Roxas and Xion at the clock tower, he’s caught by Saïx. “What took you so long?” he asks.

Axel stops, trying his best to hold back a scoff but failing. “It’s my vacation; I can take all the time I want.” He glances over his shoulder at Saïx. “Since when do I have to check in with you?”

His posture shifts ever so slightly. A shift only Axel would pick up on. A shift to defence mode. “You’re letting yourself get too attached to them.”

He doesn’t need to hear any of this. Doesn’t _want_ to hear any of it. So, he waves Saïx off as he walks away. “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say…”

There’s a brief moment of silence before Axel hears the other mutter, “You know, you’ve changed.”

Axel’s not sure if he was supposed to have heard that or not, but he chooses to ignore it anyhow. Chooses to continue walking away. Although, it takes every ounce of his being not to turn around and call Saïx out on the comment. _You’ve changed_. Tch.

As soon as he makes it to his room, he collapses onto his bed. Tomorrow it’s back to Castle Oblivion. He’s not even sure how long he’ll be gone for this time. Hmm. Maybe he won’t come back at all this time. Maybe he’ll just stay gone. Disappear. If only…

He lets out a heavy sigh. Saïx’s comment is still echoing in his mind. _You’ve changed_. No. Saïx is the one who’s changed. He’s the one who’s lost sight of himself. And now he’s just taking it out on Axel for spending time with Roxas and Xion. For making new friends. Now Saïx is just being petty.

Of course Axel’s going to spend time with the kids. They bring back memories he thought he had long forgotten. Memories of his childhood. Memories he should be able to share with Saïx instead, but—Hmm. He’s almost content with just…missing how it used to be. There’s no getting it back, after all. No going back to how things were before. Besides, it could never be the same. Too many lines have been crossed.

_And I still wonder_

_Why our heaven has died_

_The skies are all falling_

_I’m breathing, but why?_

_In silence, I hold on_

_To you and I…_

For once, Axel is the one tracking Saïx down. More often than not, lately, he’s only been trying to avoid him, but this time is different. This is important. It’s not just about Axel anymore. So, he tracks him down and finds him at Nothing’s Call.

“Hey, that was uncalled for,” Axel says, making his presence known.

Saïx seems as unfazed as ever. “I told you to keep out of this.”

“Yeah, and I’m telling you that I have to know what the deal is with Xion.” He takes a deep breath, trying to keep his so-called frustration in check. “If there’s something going on, just be straight with me for once, will ya?”

Now he turns to actually face him. “Do you mean just like you are always honest with me?”

He lets out a heavy sigh, scratching the back of his head. Damn it… “Well, you’ve got me there, I guess.”

His posture straightens. Stiffens. “Xion has no right to be among our number.”

Axel is taken aback by this. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Better yet, where is this even coming from? He doesn’t understand what Xion could’ve done wrong.

“It’s plain to see.” Saïx turns his back on him. “I have nothing more to say.” And he takes his leave.

Axel wants to stop him. Wants to push him into the nearest wall and make him explain everything. Instead, he lets Saïx go. It’s not worth the energy. Not worth the argument. So, he retires to his room for the evening. He doesn’t seek comfort in his bed, though. He seeks comfort by the window. The view never changes, but something about it never gets old either.

Sometimes he’ll let his mind wander. Let himself imagine Saïx joining him by the window to admire the view. To watch the neon lights with him. Just like they used to do. Tch. And to think he truly believed he was content with just…letting go. To think he believed he was content with only having memories of his time with Saïx. He’s not content with that. He wants to be able to create new memories with him. Memories that can replace the last decade of their lives. Happy memories. Loving memories.

Love. Axel sighs as he thinks back to just the day before when Roxas asked him what love is. That all he found out about it is that it’s powerful. _That’s true, it is. But I’ll never get to experience it_. Never, huh? Axel can’t help but think maybe he has before, though. Before he lost his heart. _Love is what happens if there’s something really special between two people_. He brings a hand to his chest. To where his heart is supposed to be. To where it’s empty. His other hand reaches up to his face, his fingertips brushing over the upside-down teardrop. Yeah, it’s something special, all right. Something to cry over. Something easily lost, too. And once it’s gone—

Axel closes his eyes. Squeezes them shut. Squeezes until he sees spots behind his eyelids. Until his head hurts. Until he forgets.

_You run away_

_You hide away_

_To the other side of the universe_

_Where you’re safe from all the hunts you down_

_But the world has gone where you belong_

_And it feels too late_

_So, you’re moving on_

_But can you find your way back home…?_

Axel stands on the upper level in the Hall of Empty Melodies. Leaning on the railing, he gazes blankly over the hall. He thinks back on all that has occurred in such a short period of time. His encounter with Xion in Castle Oblivion. Bringing Roxas there. The two kids almost constantly passing out. The two of them unknowingly fighting each other for their existences. Axel and Roxas using their spare time to try and track Xion down. Axel using that as an excuse to hunt Xion for a mission of his own and bring her back. The look on Roxas’s face when he had to cut Xion down. Knock her out. He thinks back on his own actions. The path he’s chosen. Could there have been another way to handle this? A way not so cruel. Not so unforgiving.

He needs to know it won’t all be for nothing.

He lets out a heavy sigh, moving from resting on his elbows to his hands. “Are you sure things are better this way?”

Saïx stands beside him, half sitting against the rail with his arms folded across his chest. “I never expected you to question it,” he says. “If you could choose one of them… Why would you choose the puppet?”

Axel doesn’t know how to answer that. He doesn’t know who he would choose. Doesn’t want to _have_ to choose. He wants to be able to save both Roxas and Xion. He’s still trying to figure out if that will be possible.

“Let me put it this way.” Saïx stands up straight. “Which would you rather suffer the loss of: Some make-believe friendship, or a real one?”

He looks away from him, still unsure of exactly how to process his answer. He doesn’t like complications and it doesn’t get more complicated than this.

“Things are finally back on track. They’re right again,” Saïx goes on once he realises he won’t be getting a response. “Of course we’re better off this way. Xemnas is exasperated from all the _fixing_ we’ve had to do. We have to set things right. There is simply too much on the line…Lea.”

He squeezes his eyes shut at the sound of his old name. A name Saïx hasn’t used since—Well, probably since before the scar. Before the upside-down teardrops. Definitely before Roxas or Xion. It’s not the same, though. He’s not using that name for old-time’s sake. He’s using it against Axel. To take advantage of him. Of his loyalties.

Suddenly, there’s a hand on his shoulder and this action alone surprises Axel more than anything else. He doesn’t give Saïx the satisfaction, though. Doesn’t look his way. Doesn’t react. Instead, he turns to leave. The hand falls from his shoulder, but he doesn’t look back. Hell, he can’t look back. Because if he does, then that’s it. He’ll be lost in that golden gaze. If he does, he’ll stay.

Once upon a time, he would’ve stayed without thinking twice. He would’ve chosen Saïx without a doubt in his mind. Now…he can’t. So, he won’t.

_And I still wonder_

_Why our heaven has died_

_The skies are all falling_

_I’m breathing, but why?_

_In silence, I hold on_

_To you and I…_

It’s when Axel is walking through Twilight’s View that he spots Saïx standing across the way. Waiting for him. He already knows what this is going to be about. He’s prepared himself for this conversation as much as he could.

He’s still not ready for the consequences.

“Looks like you’ve meddled again,” Saïx says as Axel passes by him.

He doesn’t want to stop, but something in him causes him to anyway. “Sorry, did you say something?” Tch. It’s such a lame response, but he’s at a loss.

It’s clear that Saïx is unimpressed. “The Organisation doesn’t need them both,” he goes on. “Just one will suffice. Stop pretending.” Axel cocks his head to the side. “Think about that.” And Saïx walks away.

Against his better judgement, Axel watches him as he walks away. Once he’s out of sight, he swallows hard. Maybe the Organisation doesn’t need both of them, but Axel does. He can’t lose another friend. Two more friends. Hell, losing Saïx had been hard enough. And watching him walk away now feels like losing him all over again. Every time, it feels like losing him over and over and over and—

No more. Axel’s made up his mind.

_Every word you’re saying is a lie_

Axel sits in his chair in the Round Room, arms folded across his chest. He sits as the others leave one-by-one. Soon enough, it’s just him, Saïx, and Roxas. He doesn’t want to look at either of them. He can’t look at either of them.

“Axel,” Saïx speaks up. Axel forces himself to lift his gaze and look across the way at him. “Those orders were absolute.”

He snickers, shaking his head as he takes his leave. Absolute, huh? Then he knows exactly what he needs to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update will be on Thursday, May 14th (my 26th birthday, ironically enough) x3


	7. Keep Me Close

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "The Sinner" by Memphis May Fire

_Digging a hole that I can’t get out of_

_Deeper and deeper below the surface_

_To find that there’s nothing there_

_Where do I go from here?_

_Give me something that I can feel_

_Back and forth, here we go again_

_What will it take to keep it together…?_

Saïx is walking through Twilight’s View when he spots Axel carrying Xion, Roxas trailing behind like a lost puppy. He scoffs. He considers asking what happened, but he doesn’t need to waste his breath. It’s already obvious and he doesn’t care for an explanation. An excuse.

“Well, that didn’t take long,” he says once he reaches the bottom of the stairwell and he’s sure they’re close enough to hear him. “Did it break again?”

Roxas’s brow furrows in anger. “She’s not an _it_.”

Axel walks past him, his gaze remaining forward. “Keep your mouth shut.”

He continues on his way, Roxas still following close behind him. Saïx watches them as they leave, shaking his head at the idea of Xion in Axel’s arms. Useless.

“You have changed…” he says to himself. “What happened at Castle Oblivion? Does the past mean nothing to you?”

At the start of this, Saïx truly believed he had everything under control. He believed it would all work out just as planned. He and Axel would get their answers and find a way out of the Organisation. But now… Well, he never anticipated Axel going rogue. Thanks to Roxas and Xion, though, he seems to have devised a plan of his own. Tch. If Saïx can even call it that. He doubts there is a plan; Axel is just acting on instinct. Acting reckless. He never thinks anything through and that will be the death of him. It’ll be what gets him turned into a dusk.

Except that’s not his problem anymore. It can’t be. Axel seems to only be worrying about himself, so it’s time for Saïx to do the same. To just think about himself. Whatever promise they made before has long since been broken. Tch. They were foolish for believing they could keep it. For believing they could get out of this together. There’s no room for ties; only for a winner.

So why is there a part of Saïx that’s still… _hoping_ there’s a chance? A chance for both him and Axel to come back from this. A chance for them both to survive. To exist. There’s a small part of him that just doesn’t want to give up on the other. He’s not sure why. Axel’s awakened to a new purpose, after all. So why should Saïx keep fighting for him? What’s the point?

Just like their promise has long been broken, Saïx has long been forgotten.

_What will it take to keep it together?_

_What will it take?_

_What will it take?_

_What will it take to keep it together?_

_I’ve never felt so empty…_

Saïx is standing on the upper level in the Hall of Empty memories, half sitting against the rail with his arms folded across his chest. Axel stands beside him, resting his elbows on the railing. He waits for the redhead to process his thoughts. It’s clear to see he’s thinking hard about all that’s happening. Saïx can respect that. Frankly, he’s just enjoying having a moment for the two of them. A moment in Axel’s company. A calm moment. For once, they’re not arguing about a mission or the puppet or the Superior. Tch. He can’t recall the last time they had a moment like this. Now he doesn’t want to do or say anything to ruin it.

If he had a heart, he’d say he’s missed this.

Soon enough, Axel sighs, shifting from his elbows to his hands. “Are you sure things are better this way?”

He tilts his head ever so slightly. “I never expected you to question it,” he says. “If you could choose one of them… Why would you choose the puppet?”

Better yet, Saïx wants to know why Axel would choose _either_ of them. He always thought he’d be the only option. The only choice. That no longer seems to be the case, though. It also doesn’t seem like he’ll be getting an answer. Axel looks as if he’s at a complete loss for words.

“Let me put it this way,” he then goes on, standing up straight. “Which would you rather suffer the loss off: Some make-believe friendship, or a real one?” Axel only looks away in response. Meanwhile, Saïx already has a predicted answer. “Things are finally back on track. They’re right again,” he says, moving the conversation along. “Of course we’re better off this way. Xemnas is exasperated from all the _fixing_ we’ve had to do. We have to set things right. There is simply too much on the line…” he swallows hard, “Lea.”

Axel closes his eyes now, turning his head away. Saïx knew using his old name would be a risk, but he also figured it would help the cause. Despite everything, he doesn’t want to lose Axel. He can’t lose him. So maybe using his old name will reiterate the promise they made so long ago.

His next risk is even greater. He tentatively reaches his hand out and places it upon Axel’s shoulder. It’s a soft touch, but it’s more contact than either of them has received in years. But this is exactly what Axel used to always do for Saïx. Back when he still wasn’t afraid to show his affection. Saïx doesn’t want to be afraid. He wants to show Axel that he—

Except now is hand is hovering midair. Now Axel is walking away. He hadn’t even _looked_ at Saïx. He didn’t react at all. And that’s enough proof for Saïx. Whether he wants to be or not, he’s officially on his own.

He’s been left behind.

_Keep me close, keep me close_

_Keep my head above water_

_I need to hear your voice_

_I can’t do this on my own…_

The words are going in one ear and out the other. Xigbar is telling him one thing, while Axel is giving him an entirely different story. Either way, Saïx has heard enough.

“Explain yourself, Axel,” he speaks up.

Axel scoffs at the accusation. “The old man needs to get his eye checked. I didn’t let her go; she just got away.”

Xigbar chuckles at this. “I’ll give him that. Can’t toss the blame around.”

Saïx looks past them both as he sees Roxas enter the Grey Area. “And now we’re left with the one we can’t use.”

Roxas joins them. “Did something happen?”

Saïx doesn’t need to listen to any more of this. He takes his leave, but he feels eyes on him. Axel’s, presumably. Tch. What does it matter? He returns to his room, releasing a heavy sigh. His moment of reprieve doesn’t last long, though, before Axel’s barging in.

“You don’t believe me,” he says.

Saïx sits on the edge of his bed, legs cross and hands folded on his lap. “Give me a reason to. Xigbar’s story is believable and I know you better than that.”

“I know what’s at risk here. I wouldn’t—”

“That’s exactly why you would let her go.” Another sigh. “How do I make it blatantly clear to you that we do not need them both?” He meets Axel’s burning gaze. “You cannot save them both. So perhaps you should shift your focus to saving yourself because you are well on your own to disappearing from existence.”

Now his gaze darkens. “Is that supposed to be a threat?”

“It is a friendly warning.”

“Tch. Friendly? You still know the meaning of that word?”

He rolls his eyes at this. “You’re as childish as ever.”

“Why? Because I actually have something that I’m fighting for rather than against?”

That comment hits Saïx in an unexpected way. _I have something that I’m fighting for_. Axel’s always been passionate. Even after all this time. But knowing that what he’s fighting for is…a puppet and—Saïx’s jaw sets. He rises to his feet and steps directly up to Axel, his hands clasped behind his back. Axel’s gaze is still burning into him, but it almost looks like it falters as soon as they’re eye-to-eye.

Too bad Saïx doesn’t know what to say. The pang in his gut has yet to subside. And being so close to Axel… His thoughts are suddenly scrambled. Incoherent.

“Get out,” he finally speaks up. He promptly turns away from him, his gaze dropping to the floor.

“Saïx…”

He closes his eyes. Once upon a time, this is the moment Axel would’ve addressed him as _Isa_ instead. He swallows hard. “Out.”

He remains motionless as he listens for the footsteps and the closing of the door. That’s when he turns to face where Axel had been standing only a moment before. _Which would you rather suffer the loss of…_? Although unanswered, Saïx had been right with predicting Axel’s choice. A real one. Their own.

_Beneath the sun, I am rotting_

_Just like the ones that came before me_

_I cannot deny my own walk has become a crawl_

_I’ve never felt so—_

_I’ve never felt so lost…_

Saïx stands in the doorway of Axel’s room. His empty room. It’s unclear whether or not he’s gone for good, but Saïx isn’t sure he can go through this again. This…so-called grief. Mourning.

“Another one bites the dust, huh?” Xigbar says as he walks by. He chuckles. “Well, guess Roxas was stronger than we gave him credit for.”

Saïx keeps his attention on the room. Had Roxas been stronger enough to defeat him, or did Axel let him win? He’s never been one to give up but considering the situation… Saïx shakes his head. He’s not even sure why he’s thinking about any of this. What’s done is done. The Organisation is so close to fulfilling their purpose and that’s what he needs to focus on. Kingdom Hearts.

Anything else is trivial. Insignificant.

Yet, here he is, still standing in the doorway of an empty bedroom.

He takes another moment for himself before it hits him. _Of course_. How has he not thought of this already? He opens a corridor and steps through. When he comes out the other side, he’s in Twilight Town. Atop the clock tower. Whatever happens next, he’s sure Axel won’t be pleased that he was tracked down. Especially so quickly. But if there’s one thing Saïx will always remember about him, it’s his fascination with sunsets. He takes a deep breath and turns the corner.

No one is there.

The breath catches in Saïx’s throat. He was so sure Axel would be—He swallows hard before taking a seat on the ledge. _Do you ever miss home_? Saïx still tries not to. Especially now that he knows there’s no chance of returning. Even if he does…

It’ll never be the same.

_I know_

_I could never run far enough_

_To escape your love_

_(To escape your love)_

_So why do I keep running…?_

Saïx is standing outside the Old Mansion in Twilight Town. It’s risky for him to be here—for multiple reasons—but something was telling him to come. To check it out. So here he is. He inhales deeply and makes his way inside.

The place is practically falling apart. Dust covering every surface. And a certain stillness in the atmosphere. Empty, though. Hmm. He heads up the stairwell, walking towards the door on the far left. It leads him to a white room. A room where the floor and walls are covered in drawings. And across the way there’s the stark contrast of a black coat and bright red hair.

“So, this is where you’ve been hiding?” Saïx announces his presence.

Axel turns to face him. He looks more exasperated than anything. “What?” he speaks up. “You here to eradicate me now?”

He steps deeper into the room, cautiously. Almost like if he were to step on the wrong spot, the floor would collapse beneath him. “Xemnas didn’t send me here, if that’s what you mean.” He makes it to the long table. “No one else knows of your whereabouts.”

He quirks an eyebrow. “Then why are you—?”

“Because I need answers.” He continues to make his way around the table. “Why are you doing this?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He gestures to the space around him. “I’m not doing anything.”

“You’re getting in the way of our goal.”

“Xemnas’s goal.” He rolls his eyes. “Kingdom Hearts was never part of our plan.”

“Kingdom Hearts is the only way for us to be recompleted. Once I found that out, I knew it had to be incorporated into our plan. It had to be part of what we wanted.”

“Yeah, well, you decided to make it your top priority.” He shakes his head. “You stopped fighting for the reason we became Nobodies in the first place. What the hell else was I supposed to do?”

Saïx knows Axel isn’t totally out of line with his accusations. But that’s not the point. It’s not the reason he tracked him down. “Come back to the Castle,” Saïx goes on.

His eyes widen as if that’s the most incredulous suggestion he’s ever head. “Excuse me? Why? So Xemnas can turn me into a dusk instead?” He scoffs. “No thanks.”

Saïx swallows hard, daring to take yet another step closer to Axel. “There is still a place for you.”

Axel moves away from him, keeping the distance. “I don’t want it.”

“Fine.” He feels frozen in place. Like the floor has collapsed beneath him. “If you keep getting in our way, though, I’ll have no choice but to—”

“Now’s your chance, then.” He holds his arms out. Creating a target of himself. “Get rid of me.”

Saïx couldn’t. He would never truly be able to hurt Axel. Not physically. “You can’t hide forever,” he tells him. “So, I hope you know what you’re doing.”

He opens a corridor right from there and leaves. He leaves before Axel can say another word. Leaves before he can catch a glimpse of the look of his face. Leaves before Axel can see the distortion of his own face. Tch. How foolish can he still be? Whatever he’s feeling now—Whatever he _thinks_ he’s feeling—It’s not real. The memories are playing tricks yet again.

He’s been forgotten, so he wants nothing more than to forget.

_Now the chaos is all around me_

_Show me the light at the end of the tunnel_

_I need you to save me from myself_

_Give me something I can feel…_

For the first time in a long time, when Saïx is summoned to the Round Room, he’s not sure what it could be regarding. Upon his arrival, both Xemnas and Xigbar are present. There’s a twinge of… _something_ in his gut. Part of him thinks that perhaps they discovered Axel’s hiding spot. That he accidentally led them to it.

He clears his throat. “Is something wrong, sir?”

“Quite the opposite, actually,” Xemnas says. “We’ve discovered that Number VIII is still very much alive.”

“Is that so? Hmm.” He pauses. “And how do you wish to deal with him?”

“See?” Xigbar speaks up. “Even his partner in crime over here thinks we should eliminate him.”

Saïx shoots the man a sharp glare. “That is not what I said.”

“As if. It’s what ya meant.”

He turns his gaze back on the Superior. “Sir? What are your thoughts?”

“Axel is too valuable of a member to eradicate,” Xemnas goes on. “He must prove where his loyalties lie once and for all, though.”

“How’s he supposed to do that?” Xigbar asks.

Xemnas seems thoughtful. “Number VII, you can find him Twilight Town. Track him down and pass along one last mission. Convince him to go through with it however you must.”

Saïx swallows hard. “What is the mission, sir?”

Xemnas smirks. An expression Saïx has never trusted, yet all of a sudden… He wants to believe it.

_Keep me close, keep me close_

_Keep my head above water_

_I need to hear your voice_

_I can’t do this on my own_

_(I can’t do this on my own…)_

“I already told ya, I ain’t interested in going back,” Axel says. Saïx has relayed the mission given by Xemnas to him and, to no surprise, Axel has turned it down. “What makes you think I’d wanna do this?”

“Because Xemnas knows where you are now,” Saïx says. “If you don’t go through with this, he’ll—”

“Turn me into a dusk.” He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I get it.” He lets out a heavy sigh. “Why does he want the girl?”

“She’s the fire that feeds Sora’s anger. If we have her, Sora will follow. And once Sora is in the Castle…” His thought trails off.

“The rest of the plan falls into place,” Axel goes on. “What’s in it for me?”

Saïx is somewhat taken aback by this. “Is your existence not enough?”

“Not anymore because I don’t care anymore.”

His gaze drops to the floor. “It presents the opportunity to see Roxas again.” He lifts his gaze once more. “Does it not?”

Now he seems to have Axel’s attention. “Could it work like that?”

“Only one way to find out.” He takes a step towards him. “Get the girl and bring her back to the Castle.”

He considers this. “That’s all I need to do?”

“That is all you need to do.”

Axel’s nose scrunches before he turns his head away. “Fine.” He opens a corridor. “After this, though, no more favours.” And he takes his leave.

Once the portal closes, Saïx releases a breath he didn’t realise he had been holding. He loses his balance a bit, stumbling and catching himself on the back of one of the chairs in the White Room. He can’t believe it worked. He can’t believe Axel fell for it.

Now Saïx has to live with it.

_Keep me close, keep me close_

_(Keep my head above water)_

_I can’t do this on my own…_

When Saïx returns to the Grey Area from his visit with the girl in the Soundless Prison, Xigbar, Luxord, _and_ Xemnas are all gathered. He’s most surprised to see Xemnas. This can’t mean anything good.

“Sir,” he announces his presence as he joins them, “has something happened?”

“It seems Flamesilocks is no longer with us,” Xigbar says.

Saïx stops dead in his tracks, nearly tripping over himself, yet somehow still keeping his composure. “What are you talking about? Since when?”

“Since just a moment ago,” Luxord says.

“While helping the kid get through the portal and into our world,” Xigbar goes on.

“It seems it was sacrificial,” Xemnas speaks up. “What a shame.”

All three of them disappear into corridors, leaving Saïx alone in the Grey Area. He’s finding it more and more difficult to breathe as the information sinks in. Self-sacrifice? Tch. More like recklessness. _What a shame_. It is a shame. Axel got nowhere with his so-called plan. He got nothing out of it. Now he is nothing. He couldn’t stand the emptiness. The burden weighed far too heavy on him. And that led to his demise. He was foolish and weak. He—

He’s…gone. Axel is gone. For good. Just like that. Returned to the darkness. No longer in existence. Damn it. Now that it’s settling, Saïx doesn’t want to believe it. Doesn’t want to think about never seeing him again. Doesn’t want to withstand the emptiness.

His reason… His purpose… Forfeited.

_Take all my guilt_

_Take all my pride_

_I want to know you sincerely_

_I’m on my knees_

_Take all of me_

_I want to feel you here with me_

_(Feel you here with me…)_

Everything is dark. Black. And it’s cold. Still, he looks around, trying to find something. Someone. Proof that he’s not as alone as he feels. There’s no signs of life, though. No signs of light. Just…a voice… _Kingdom Hearts… Where is my heart_? The words ring in his ears. Echo. And the voice sounds so familiar. So distant. Faint. Where could it be coming from?

Suddenly, there’s a glowing light. He starts walking towards it. As it grows brighter, his walk turns into a run. And he runs and runs, but he doesn’t feel he’s getting any closer to the light. He doesn’t feel he’s getting anywhere. It’s like he’s just running in circles. Running in place.

Soon enough, he falls to his knees. He can’t breathe. No matter how hard he tries to catch his breath, it keeps eluding him. As if his lungs are filling with smoke instead. He tries to get back on his feet, but an overwhelming sense of dizziness takes over and he collapses once more, barely catching himself on his hands.

He lifts his head, looking back towards the light. _Kingdom Hearts_ … He reaches for it. He knows it’s much too far away, but he feels like he should at least— _Where is my heart?_ Still reaching, he loses his balance, his body falling flush with the cold ground. Despite the darkness, he can sense everything is spinning. His eyes feel heavy.

It doesn’t take long for the light to fade.

_Keep me close, keep me close_

_Keep my head above water_

_I need to hear your voice_

_I can’t do this on my own_

_(I can’t do this on my own…)_

His eyes flutter open and he’s surrounded by—By grey walls and neon lights. He pushes himself to his knees and looks around. He’s—He can’t believe it. He’s back at the lab. In Radiant Garden. And he’s not alone. Ienzo is there. And Even. Aeleus. Dilan. And—

Lea.

“Well, well, look who’s come to,” a distinct voice says.

He turns to bring his gaze to the owner of that voice. “Braig,” he says.

He quirks an eyebrow. “Think I’ll stick with the name Xigbar.” He grins. “I was hoping you’d wake up first, Number VII.” He watches as the other slowly gets to his feet. “There was a certain…comfort in the darkness, don’t ya think?” Xigbar goes on. “Let’s go back, yeah? We can be a part of the true Organisation. Xehanort’s Organisation. What do ya say…Saïx?”

Saïx looks around at the bodies scattered across the laboratory floor. His gaze lands upon Axel. Lea. He can go with Xigbar or he can stay here and wait. What would he be waiting for, though? What will the repercussions be? Will Lea even want anything to do with him? He’s sure he’ll never look at him the same way.

“Listen, we ain’t got much time to waste,” Xigbar goes on. “I suggest you come with me, seeing as just about everyone else in this room was destroyed because of orders given by you.”

Damn it. Xigbar’s right. Saïx could never be forgiven for what he’s done. He’s a monster. He belongs in the darkness. He looks to Lea one last time. _You and me_. Huh. It’s amazing how those words still echo through his mind. He meant them, too. Once upon a time. But times change. People change.

“Let’s go,” he speaks up.

The grin returns to Xigbar’s face. “That’s what I like to hear.” He opens a corridor. “Let’s get outta here.” And he takes his leave.

Saïx looks over his fallen comrades once more. His eyes land on Even. Hmm… There are so many possibilities. So many outcomes. So many things that could go wrong, but also so much that could go _right_.

He’ll make sure it’s worthwhile.

_Keep me close, keep me close_

_(Keep my head above water)_

_I can’t do this on my own_

He’s not sure exactly how long he’s been waiting. It doesn’t matter at this point. All that matters is this meeting happening. It needs to happen. He needs to show up. Otherwise, he’ll never be able to succeed.

A corridor opens. Saïx awaits eagerly. Cautiously. And when the man he had called upon appears from it, he can’t help the small smirk.

“I’m so glad you’ve decided to join me,” he greets him.

Vexen looks at him with a quirked eyebrow. “What is this about?”

“I have a plan, but I will not be able to proceed without your help.”

“And what is this plan of yours?”

“It involves your replica research.”

Now he looks interested. Intrigued. “I’m listening.”

Perfect. This is exactly what Saïx needs. So long as Vexen follows through, he can’t find a reason for this plan to fail. It’s foolproof. And it’ll make up for _everything_. Even if no one ever knows what it is he’s done. After all, Saïx isn’t doing this for himself. He’s already accepted his fate. Fading away. Fading out of existence. So, he’s not doing this to prove his own worth.

He’s doing this to atone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update will be on Friday, May 22nd
> 
> ~~~~
> 
> Should be a pretty straightforward timeline from here on out, if I remember correctly... I say that like I didn't write the story lmao


	8. Never Miss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "Lesson Learned" by Sharon den Adel (My Indigo)

_I couldn’t care less if the word’s gone mad_

_I couldn’t care less, wouldn’t turn my head_

_I couldn’t care less, I couldn’t care less_

_The heart of the soul’s not untouchable_

_Hard to hold on to what’s beautiful_

_There’s no control, no control…_

As he stirs, a cold sensation sweeps over him. Like cold metal against his skin. There’s a ringing in his ears and he squeezes his eyes shut even tighter, trying to shake his head of it. He gathers enough strength to roll himself onto his back, and then proceeds to take a couple deep breaths. Calming breaths. His head is pounding. His head and his—

“What happened to me?” he mumbles under his breath. “Roxas…?” That’s the last thing he remembers. Fighting Roxas. Or maybe…just fighting. Wanting to somehow see Roxas again. Hmm…

He continues pushing himself up until he’s finally back on his feet. He catches a glimpse of his reflection in a glass window in the room. “That’s me…” _Me_. Does that mean Axel, though, or is he—? He shakes his head and looks to his other side. “Dilan, Aeleus, Even, Ienzo…”

He sees the four of them lying on the ground, back in their guard attire and lab coats. As Aeleus and Ienzo regain consciousness, he continues watching them as they attempt to get back on their feet. They’re both clearly disoriented, but that would make sense since—Huh. He looks back at his reflection. Red hair. Green eyes. Black coat. Just like when he faded away, but… Something’s off. He looks closer, trying to figure out what’s different. Then it hits him. He stumbles closer to the window, touching his face.

The upside-down teardrops are gone.

“We’re people again,” he says. _I’m Lea again_. He almost can’t believe it. “But only the ones who joined the Organisation are here.” He watches the reflection of Aeleus as he finally gets to his feet, still trying to maintain his balance. “I guess Xehanort doesn’t count,” he goes on, “but where are Braig and…” Lea focuses on his own reflection once more, “Isa?”

He should be here. Isa should be here. They lost their hearts together. So, they should be waking up together. Returning together. Otherwise… No. It wouldn’t be fair. Maybe Isa has already woken up. Maybe he’s already exploring their old home. Trying to find those answers he always wanted. Maybe—

Lea takes a deep breath. One step at a time.

_When you talk about us_

_Can you feel the fire in us?_

_Do you ever miss?_

_You would never miss_

_Through the darkness, I swear_

_I can see your love in there_

_You never miss_

_You would never miss…_

As he enters the Study, Lea rubs the back on his neck. “Where are they?” he asks. “I’ve turned this castle upside down.” He looks over at Ienzo and Aeleus, searching the room. Books are strewn across the floor and tables, half of them flipped open. “Hey. Are the other two still out cold?”

“Dilan and Even are conscious again,” Aeleus starts, “but still unstable. They’re resting inside.”

“Gotcha.” He nods his head once. “Well, I guess I’ll give the castle grounds a sweep.”

“Don’t,” Aeleus says. “If they were back, we would have found them by now.”

Lea scratches the back of his head. Tch. _If they were back_ … They have to be back. Isa has to be back. And he has to be somewhere. Lea decides to play along. “So, do ya think they were blasted off to some other world, or what?”

“I highly doubt it,” Ienzo speaks up, picking up a small stack of books. “When someone who’s lost their heart is recompleted, they should return to the place where it happened. And if that world is unavailable for whatever reason, a refuge is made for them in the realm between—a world called _Traverse Town_. They would be sent there.” He sets the books down on the table, tilting his head. “Or perhaps—”

Lea’s heard enough. “Now, look, okay… The fact is, we’re here.” He gestures around them. “We’ve been recompleted, right? So, they should be here, too.” He places his hands on his hips. “Plain and simple.”

Ienzo nods thoughtfully. “I agree, it is strange.”

He lets out a heavy sigh. “What a drag.” He doesn’t actually want to know the answer to this, but… “Could they not have been recompleted at all?”

“Well, you see—”

“Forget it,” he says, cutting Ienzo off yet again. He steps up to one of the walls, facing a blank spot where he recalls a portrait once hanging. “You know what? I’ll just bring them back myself.”

“Huh?” Ienzo looks up from the open book in his hands to cast his gaze upon Lea. “How, exactly?”

Lea shakes his head, folding his arms across his chest. “Why do I always get stuck with the icky jobs?”

Tch. The icky jobs. This job will be worth it, though. And it’ll be his most important one yet. Failure isn’t an option.

_And I got a lesson learned_

_It’s a lesson learned_

_Our love lives in a world of hurt_

_It’s a lesson learned_

_And I feel the burn_

_Our love lives in a world of hurt_

_Our love lives in a world of hurt_

_Our love lives in a world of hurt…_

His heart is pounding in his chest. Man, he never thought he’d have this feeling again. This type of adrenaline rush. He’s trying not to think about it, though. He is against the clock, after all. His window of opportunity is small. If he misses his chance, then it’s game over.

He doesn’t like to lose.

He _does_ like to make an entrance.

There’s an explosion. A flurry of flames. He stands on the throne, an unconscious Sora in one hand and his chakram tossed over his shoulder in the other.

“ _Axel_ ,” Xigbar calls out.

“Axel? Please. The name’s Lea.” He smirks, quirking an eyebrow. “Got it memorised?”

The comment only seems to infuriate him further. “You’re not supposed to be here.”

“Promises to keep,” he goes on. _You and me_. “I’ll always be there to get my friends back. What? Bad Timing?” He looks up towards Master Xehanort. “You had your perfect little script, but you kinda forgot to write the sequel. Now, let’s find out what happens.”

Xigbar slams his fist on the arm of his throne. “What now, you old coot? Our time is up.”

Master Xehanort only smiles. One of the still-hooded members then pounces from their throne, summoning their weapon and going after Lea. Lucky for Lea, his reflexes are just as good now as they were before. He moves in time to block the attack, the force blowing the hood right off his opponent.

The face he sees leaves him nearly paralysed.

“Isa,” he says.

Except it’s not Isa. It’s Saïx. Those are cold, golden eyes staring him down. No… It can’t be. This isn’t possible. Isa was supposed to come back with him. They were supposed to both make it back. To be together again. Damn it. This can’t be happening. This can’t be real.

It is, though.

Lea shakes his head, clenching his jaw. He has to keep his mind on the fight. So, he pushes away from the attack. He joins Riku and the King on the platform below, holding tight to Sora’s lifeless body. Tch. If Lea thought it was personal before, now it’s really personal.

He’ll do whatever it takes, but this time he’ll do it right.

_I couldn’t care less ‘bout the reasons why_

_I couldn’t care less if it’s wrong or wise_

_I couldn’t care less, I couldn’t care less_

_I wouldn’t be here if it all made sense_

_Thought if I only could understand_

_It would hurt less, it would hurt less…_

Lea sits on a rock in the secret forest, notebook and pen in hand. Kairi had suggested he try writing letters to process his thoughts and feelings. Letters he’ll never send. Much like she does for Sora. _I just like talking to Sora, even if it’s on paper_. He’s already written one for Roxas. Even for the person he can’t remember. Both apologies. He can only hope he’ll be able to speak them in person someday.

Now he’s trying to write for Isa. Tch. He thought this would be the easiest one, but… He has no idea what to say. No idea how to feel. He keeps thinking back to when he helped save Sora. When he faced _Saïx_. Whenever he closes his eyes, he sees golden ones staring back. He doesn’t understand why Isa gave himself up to the darkness. He had the chance for a life again, yet—He wants to understand. More than anything. He wants some sort of explanation; he deserves it. He’s earned one.

He can’t get one through a letter.

When Lea woke up recompleted, he knew he’d be fighting for Roxas. That he would be trying to find some way to bring him back. A way to make him his own person. Separate from Sora. Now he feels he even has to fight for the person he can’t remember. He never thought he would have to fight for Isa, though. Isa. The one who always had everything under control. The one who always knew what he was doing. The one who’s now a vessel for the darkness. Lea always thought Isa was stronger than that.

Maybe that’s not fair. Maybe he needs to try to look at this from Isa’s perspective. Maybe that’s the only way he’ll ever understand.

What does it matter? It’s his fault anyhow. Lea’s letter to Isa will just be another apology. All he’s ever done is screw up. He ruined his friendship with Roxas. He ruined whatever he had with Isa. And now he’s trying to play _hero_? Who the hell does he think he is? Why does he believe he’s worthy of the Keyblade? He’s not. He shouldn’t be here.

He looks down at the blank sheet of paper and lets out a heavy sigh. He can’t think like that. He’s here for a good reason. For Roxas. For Isa. For the forgotten. But Isa… That’s who he’ll truly have to fight for. The look in Isa’s eyes when he encountered him during the rescue… Lea could tell he had given up. He’s long gone. Lea refuses to accept that, though.

He does have a reason to be here. He has a purpose. No more running. No more hiding. No more excuses.

_When you talk about us_

_Can you feel the fire in us?_

_Do you ever miss?_

_You would never miss_

_Through the darkness, I swear_

_I can see your love in there_

_You never miss_

_You would never miss…_

Take two.

Lea’s sitting on the rock again. Notebook and pen in hand. Except the letter is coming to him much easier this time. The words are flowing. He knows what he wants to say to Isa. He knows what it is he has to say.

Everything that was left unsaid before.

[“Isa. First of all…I’m sorry. Everything I did before, I did with good intentions. I did it because I thought I had to. Because I thought it would help. I followed your orders until I no longer agreed with them. Until I thought they were too dangerous. Yet, you were the one always calling me reckless. Funny how that works, huh?

“Y’know our promise? Still got it memorised? I do. We promised we’d never let anything or anyone get between us. That we’d always stick together. And we always said that we’d never turn on each other because it would be both our downfalls. Guess we weren’t so wrong about that. Guess Xemnas also knew how to play us. At the same time, though, I never would’ve lasted a day without you. Despite everything, you were my rock. I kept coming back to you because… Well, because I couldn’t imagine an existence without you. After all, you had always been the one and only constant in my life. Even during our time with the Organisation.

“Things are so different now. I get that. Just like I understand that things may never be exactly how they were before. If we both make it out of this alive, though, I’d be willing to try. Even if it means starting over. I’d be okay with that. More than okay with it. Having a heart again… It’s just not the same without having you here to experience it with me. I mean, I feel like we always shared—”]

Lea stops writing when he notices a single teardrop on the piece of paper. It smudges the word _heart_. Of course. He reaches up with his free hand to dry his eyes. _They’ll keep you from crying_. Yeah, well, he doesn’t need those stupid marks anymore. He’ll be as big of a crybaby as he wants. He chuckles to himself before taking a deep, shaky breath.

[“Anyway…I digress. Just know that I’m trying to make this better. I’m trying to be better. For both of us. I don’t know what’s gonna happen from this day forward. I have no idea how the Keyblade War is gonna pan out. I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again at a time when we’re not fighting. I’m not sure if we’ll ever get the chance to be together again. To be together at all…

“While we were part of the Organisation, I fought for you for as long as I could. I fought until I lost my strength. Until I lost myself. I shouldn’t have given up on you, though. I should’ve sucked it up and kept fighting. Y’know, sometimes I can’t help but feel that you fell to the darkness because of me. So, I’m gonna make up for that. This time, I won’t stop fighting. No matter what. I’m gonna knock some sense into you.

“You and me, Isa. Got it memorised?”]

He reads the letter over before setting the notebook and pen aside. He wipes a few more tears from his eyes. That’ll do. For now. He looks out towards the horizon. At the sunset. He closes his eyes and pictures golden eyes turning back to teal. He smiles to himself. A soft smile.

It’s not over yet.

_And I got a lesson learned_

_It’s a lesson learned_

_Our love lives in a world of hurt_

_It’s a lesson learned_

_And I feel the burn_

_Our love lives in a world of hurt…_

Lea is sitting on the front steps of the Mysterious Tower. The others are all still at the top, going over final details with the King and Master Yen Sid. He had to step away. Needed to get some fresh air. It was getting too crowded at the top. Too overwhelming. Plus, he knows he sounded like an idiot. He sighs, his face falling into his hands.

“Something wrong?” a voice asks.

He lifts his head to see Ventus taking a seat beside him. “Nah, I’m good.”

Ventus smiles. “So…are you going by Axel now? Or are you still Lea?”

He chuckles a bit. “You can keep calling me Lea. I really only told Kairi to call me as Axel because—” Because he needs help remembering who he’s forgotten. He shakes his head. “Either way, guess the others heard her calling me that and figured they could, too.”

“Well, I’ll start calling you Lea and we’ll see what happens from there.”

“Hah.” Lea brings his knees up, resting his elbows on them. “Happy to see you’re still in such good spirits.”

“Yeah, I don’t really know what it is.” He shrugs his shoulders. “Guess I’m just ready for it all to finally come to an end, y’know? I’m ready to face Master Xehanort. And I’m ready to face Vanitas.”

“Right.”

He swallows hard. “I actually came down here to ask about your friend,” he says. “Isa’s his name, yeah? I’m a little surprised not to see him here, too. You guys seemed like you were so close.”

The breath catches in Lea’s throat. “We were.” He takes a moment to think. “He’s…one of the thirteen vessels, actually.”

Ventus’s eyes widen a bit. “Oh…I’m sorry, Lea. I had no idea.”

“It’s fine.” He scratches the back of his head. “Don’t worry about it.”

“How did it come to that?”

He hugs his knees a little closer to his chest. “I think I may have been the one to push him over the edge.”

“Well…there’s still hope, right?”

Lea can’t help but smile at his optimism. At his naivety. “Right.”

Is there still hope? Lea keeps trying to tell himself that’s the case, but it’s getting harder and harder to believe. To keep his head held high. He’s just thankful Kairi’s not currently around. She’s the only one who’s ever been able to see through him as well as Isa could. Either way… Hope. Yeah. He’ll stay strong enough to get through the war.

From there, only time will be able to tell.

_Don’t wanna lead a heartless life_

_Don’t wanna feel numb inside_

_Don’t wanna lead_

_Don’t wanna lead_

_Don’t wanna lead a heartless life…_

Lea’s in Twilight Town, sitting atop the clock tower. One sea salt ice cream bar is in one hand and two more are in the other. He eats the lone bar as he watches what could be his final sunset.

“Well, Roxas…” he speaks up, “I should’ve been there for you by now, but here we are.” He lets out a heavy sigh.

“Shouldn’t you say goodbye to your _real_ home?” an all-too familiar voice asks.

He sits a little straighter as he turns to see _Saïx_ coming around the corner. “Why…?” Lea starts as Saïx takes a seat beside him.

“I’m not here to fight.” There’s a hint of a smile at the corners of his lips. “Relax.”

Relax? Tch. How can he possibly relax when—? When Saïx is reaching over and stealing one of the other ice cream bars. Lea tries to take it back, but to no avail.

Saïx holds up the stolen bar. “You can’t eat all this.” He pauses. “Why did you buy three of them? One for Roxas…and two for good luck?”

Lea looks back and forth at the two ice creams left in his hands. “I dunno.” He scowls, looking away from Saïx. “Because I felt like it, okay?” He’s willing to bet the next words out of Saïx’s mouth will have something to do with how childish he’s being. Tch. Like he cares. Lea won’t give him the opportunity. “Why are you here?”

Saïx takes a bite of the ice cream. “Got it memorised?” he says. “Back when we were still friends, we used to sneak into the castle.”

“Yeah…” Lea isn’t sure why he’s telling him this. He already knows this. So, what could he be getting at?

“And we made a friend there. A girl,” Saïx goes on. “We apprenticed to Ansem the Wise to rescue her.”

The girl. Lea tries not to think about that. About _her_ … Everything got so derailed during their time with the Organisation that— “Yeah, and we failed,” he says. “One day she was just gone.”

Saïx meets his gaze. “You gave up.”

Lea is taken aback by this accusation. “I did not give up.” He lets out a heavy sigh. “One day we’re apprentices. The next, Ansem the Wise has up and vanished. The day after, we’re Nobodies. Day after that, we’re doing icky jobs for Xemnas.” He throws his hands up, exasperated. “I couldn’t keep up with you.”

“Following Xehanort’s Nobody was the only way to discover what happened to her.” He scoffs. “She was his lab rat.”

He’s still not sure why Saïx is talking about this. Unless… “So? You found her?” he asks. “I helped you rise up the ranks, so I hope it paid off.”

Saïx takes another bite of the ice cream. “I’m afraid not.” He looks down. “Nary a trace.” He pauses. Lea would almost say he looks… _defeated_. Saïx then lifts his gaze back to the sunset. “I started to wonder if we’d imagined her. Maybe she never existed.” He breathes deep. “And then, in time, I awakened to a new purpose.” His face hardens. “I realised I could be stronger.”

Tch. This isn’t what Lea wants to be hearing. It’s bullshit. It can’t be what Saïx truly thinks. Feels. “Well, then, you blew it,” he says. “Wise up already and just quit.”

“Face it,” he looks towards Lea, “Roxas is just like our other friend.” Lea’s eyes widen at this comparison. “Gone forever,” Saïx goes on. “You need to accept that.”

Okay. Now Lea is pissed. “You wish. I’m getting her back. All of them. Especially Roxas.” He waves the extra ice bar in Saïx’s direction. “I’m even dragging you home.”

Saïx finishes his ice cream. “The marks under your eyes. They’re gone.”

Of course he’d point that out. “Yeah. Don’t need them.”

At this point, he gets back to his feet. “Always told you they’d stop you from crying.” He looks down at the other. “The upside-down tears.”

Lea continues waving the ice cream bars around. “Would you get lost? I’ll clobber ya tomorrow.”

Now Saïx actually smiles. A _smile_. Not a smirk. A playful smile like he’s— “I expect no less.” And he’s surrounded by a dark corridor, disappearing.

Lea’s alone again. He lets out a heavy sigh as soon as Saïx is gone… The hell was that about? Tch. Doesn’t matter. That’s it. Lea’s found his resolve. There’s no losing. He fights for Isa and he will bring him home along with everyone else. _You gave up_. No. He hasn’t given up. He won’t give up.

It ends now.

_It’s a lesson learned_

_It’s a lesson learned_

_Our love lives in a world of hurt…_

As Lea’s running through the labyrinth with Kairi, it gets in his head that he very well may be facing Saïx. He could have to fight him. _Destroy_ him. And he has absolutely no way of knowing for sure whether or not he’ll return as Isa. As soon as this thought hits him, he stops dead in his tracks. Lucky for him, it doesn’t take long for Kairi to notice he’s fallen behind.

“Axel, what’s wrong?” she asks.

“I’m not sure I can do this,” he says.

“What are you talking about? Of course you can. We’ve been training and—”

He shakes his head. “That’s not what I mean.” He knows he won’t have to explain himself any further.

Kairi smiles sheepishly. “C’mon, this is your chance to save Isa,” she says. “Sora had to fight Riku once before, too. It didn’t ruin their friendship; it made it stronger. Aren’t you ready to bring Isa home?”

Home. _I’m even dragging you home_. That’s right. He looks down at Kairi and smiles. “Yeah. I am.” He nods. “And it’s gonna be a hell of a welcoming.”

_Hurt_

_Our love lives in a world of hurt_

_Hurt, hurt_

_Our love lives in a world of hurt_

Lea and Kairi continue their way through the labyrinth. Soon enough, they come across Xemnas, Saïx, and a hooded figure. They slow down, catching their breath. Lea’s heated gaze falls upon Saïx. He swallows hard.

This is it. The moment of truth. Whatever happens next decides both their fates. It decides their existences. Lea pushes the fear and doubt from his mind. There’s no room for it. No room for second guessing. For thinking twice. And despite it all, he has never felt more prepared.

He’s ready to give it his all.


	9. On Your Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "Believe" by Mumford and Sons

_You may call it in this evening_

_But you’ve only lost the night_

_Present all your pretty feelings_

_May they comfort you tonight…_

Saïx stands in the labyrinth with Xemnas and the hooded figure. The imaginary number. The replica. _Xion_. He stands across the way from Lea and Kairi. He takes a deep breath. This is the only chance he’ll get to make things right, so hopefully he’ll be able to get his point across. To keep up the act all the while Xemnas remains clueless. In the dark. If this doesn’t work… He’s not sure where to go from here.

“Well, I guess this was inevitable,” Lea speaks up. He gestures towards Xion. “Who’s the plus-one?”

“Inevitable indeed,” Xemnas says. “And this _guest_ of ours has an old score to settle with you. You are a traitor of darkness, as it is of light.”

Lea’s brow furrows. “Well, guess I can live with that.”

“It is a being of whom we have no memories,” Xemnas goes on. “A true Nobody, hailing from the edge of oblivion.”

“The being before you was recreated,” Saïx takes over, “from the records that were left by Vexen, and the many experiments performed by Young Xehanort.” That won’t have been enough information for Lea to catch on. It’s all he can get across for now, though.

“It was erased from all memories,” Xemnas gestures towards the hooded figure, “and it harbors absolutely no knowledge of who it really is. Even I had forgotten its existence.” He faces Lea and Kairi again. “But like the others, I could not recall why. Truly, the perfect pawn created for this very battle.”

Lea scoffs. “So, who is it?”

Saïx would scream in his face if he could. “You called on one of the New Seven Hearts,” he opts to say instead. There’s still too much on the line. “You must be desperate.”

Kairi clearly takes offence to this, but Lea still steps in for her. “If I’m a traitor, then I guess Kairi here is the trump card.” He gestures to her with a grin.

She still seems surprised. “What?”

“So, it’s not desperation I see in you,” Saïx says. “It’s foolishness…and lunacy.”

Lea’s brow furrows again. “Huh?”

“Without the battle between the seven lights and thirteen darknesses,” Xemnas speaks up, “Kingdom Hearts requires the seven hearts.” He gestures towards the two Keyblade wielders. “That is why we seek to destroy the guardians. Are you truly foolish enough to believe you can defeat us?”

Lea’s only getting more and more worked up. Now that he has a heart again, it’s clear to Saïx that he has no true control over his rediscovered emotions yet. He has no shame in wearing them on his sleeve.

Lea clenches his jaw. “What do you think?”

Saïx will continue to play on those emotions. “I think you’ll lose, _Axel_.” First try.

“Yeah, right,” he calls out.

“…Axel?” a small voice says.

Saïx looks towards the hooded figure. The name got a reaction out of her. Good. This is exactly what needs to happen.

_And I’m climbing over something_

_And I’m running through these walls…_

“Even if you possess the strength,” Xemnas then goes on, unaware of what’s happening behind him, “this being cannot be defeated by your hands. Even if…memories are lost from you both.”

Lea clenches his fists. “All right…” He proceeds to summon his chakram. “Let’s find out.” He sets them ablaze and tosses them towards the hooded figure. Saïx breathes deep as he watches the scene unfold. As he watches Xion summon her Keyblade and deflect both of his chakram. Both attacks. Lea catches his chakram, placing them together to create his Keyblade. He tosses it over his shoulder as his eyes widen. “Wait… That Keyblade…”

Kairi’s eyes are wide, too. “It’s just like Sora’s.”

“Are you—?” He pauses. “Is that you, Roxas?”

Saïx holds back an eyeroll. How much of an idiot can Lea be? But then he hears it.

“…Roxas?” that small voice says again.

She’s remembering. And Saïx seizes the opportunity. “No, it’s not _Roxas_ … _Axel_.”

She grips her head. “Roxas… Axel…”

Just then, she charges at Lea, screaming. Except when Lea goes to guard, Kairi jumps in the way, blocking the attack instead.

Kairi lets out a little gasp. “A girl?”

Xion pushes off the attack and rejoins Saïx by his side.

“Ya with me?” Lea asks Kairi.

Saïx summons his claymore. This is it. Xion’s remembering. Now he just needs Lea to remember. He needs to keep the act up just a little bit longer. Once their memories are restored, everything else should—No. Everything else _will_ fall into place.

_I don’t even know if I believe_

_I don’t even know if I believe_

_I don’t even know if I believe_

_Everything you’re trying to say to me…_

The last thing he remembers is…the battlefield. This isn’t the battlefield, though. This is—He’s in Radiant Garden. How is this possible? How can he be here? He looks down at himself. These clothes… He’s a kid again. A teenager. Tch. What is going on? None of this makes any sense.

Then he hears it. A voice. It’s calling out…his name. It’s faint and distant. As if someone is trying to wake him up. He grips his head. It’s pounding. Aching. He’s still hearing his name being call. Who is that? What’s happening? He squeezes his eyes shut. How does he make it stop? _Isa_. The voice is getting closer somehow. _Isa_. It’s being called over and over and—

There’s a hand on his shoulder. “Isa?”

He jumps, turning to face whoever is speaking to him. “Lea?” he says. At least, that’s who he’s looking at. It’s who he _thinks_ he’s looking at. Except he’s a teenager again, too.

He chuckles. “You feeling all right? I’ve been calling your name.”

“I—” He shakes his head. The pounding has stopped. And it doesn’t ache anymore. “I’m sorry. I guess I was spacing out.”

“You? Spacing out?” He places the back of his hand along Isa’s forehead. “Maybe you are getting sick.”

Isa laughs, swatting his hand away. “Yeah, yeah… So, what’s this all about?” Then it hits him. “Oh yeah, we were gonna go to the castle today, right?”

“Actually, I’ve been thinking about that, and…” Lea scratches the back of his head. “I’m not so sure it’s such a good idea anymore. I mean, what will we be able to do? Besides, we’re just kids. Shouldn’t we just be enjoying life right now?”

He nods. “If you’re sure, then that’s fine with me.”

“C’mon, don’t agree with me just because you think I’ll want you to. If you still wanna go, then that’s fine, too. I’ll follow you anywhere. You know that.”

“To the ends of the earth?”

The words are out before he even has the chance to process them himself. But they’re out and there’s no taking them back. And Lea looks surprised, but he also looks _ecstatic_. Like he’s wanted to hear those words since—Well, Isa has wanted to say them since the day they met, so maybe for just as long.

Lea’s hand is back on his shoulder. “To the ends of the earth.”

Lea smiles at him and it’s bright. It’s _shining_. Literally. It’s overwhelming. Overpowering. His lips are moving again, but Isa can no longer hear him. There’s a ringing in his ears and his vision is blurring. The light is getting brighter. Soon enough, there’s nothing else he can see. It’s just him and—

_I have the strangest feeling_

_Your world’s not all it seems_

_So tired of misconceiving_

_What else this could’ve been…_

When he comes to, he’s back in the battlefield. Lea is charging at him, and Saïx deflects the attack, sending a shockwave of power through his claymore and into the ground. Lea flips back to avoid the aftershock. Saïx shakes his head. What the hell was that about? He wants to figure out what just happened, but he has to keep his mind in the fight.

Especially now that Sora has arrived.

Two versus three. Seems fair enough. Saïx trusts his strength. Trusts that he knows Lea’s fighting style. He should be able to predict his attacks. Well enough, at least, to not take too much damage.

Then again, he knows what Lea is fighting for. He knows Lea is going to muster any and all strength he has. Saïx must take this into consideration. Sure, he needs to keep up the act, but he doesn’t want to hurt Lea too much, either. Just enough to make it believable.

Until he goes berserk.

_I don’t even know if I believe_

_I don’t even know if I believe_

_I don’t even know if I believe_

_Everything you’re trying to say to me…_

It’s the middle of the night. Huh. Hadn’t it been daylight before? Or at least sunset? Hmm. Except…he’s not in the battlefield anymore. He’s—Damn it. Where is he _now_? He looks around himself. He seems to be in some hallway. He continues his way down it until he reaches a single door. He takes a deep breath before knocking twice.

The door swings open almost instantaneously, revealing Lea on the other side. He’s not a teenager this time, though. But…there are no marks under his eyes. So, he’s definitely Lea. Which means he must be—

“Isa,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper. “What do you think you’re doing? If we get caught, we’re both dead.”

“Worth the risk,” Isa says.

Lea grins and pulls him into the room, quietly closing the door behind them. “Something on your mind?” He places his hands on his hips. “It’s not like you to be sneaking out of your room at this hour.”

“I just…wanted to see you.”

His grin softens. He steps up to Isa, intertwining one hand with his as the other reaches to cup his cheek. Lea presses their foreheads together and Isa closes his eyes. He doesn’t resist. Doesn’t try to pull away. Why would he? This is all he’s ever—

“What changed your mind?” Lea speaks up. Isa pulls away just far enough to look into his eyes. There must be an expression of bewilderment on his face because Lea chuckles. “You told me before that this couldn’t happen. That we’re not supposed to feel this way about each other.”

Something about this scene feels… _familiar_. Like he’s been here before. In another life. He doesn’t actually remember speaking those words, though. “I…was wrong,” he says.

“Are you sure?” he checks. “Because if we take this step, Isa, then we’ll be crossing the line. There’ll be no going back to how things were before.”

No going back. Hmm… Yeah, he thinks he can live with that. “Why would I want to go back to how things were before?”

There’s that smile again. The smile Isa can’t resist. He closes his eyes again as Lea shifts even closer to him. He keeps his eyes shut as he feels lips that aren’t his. Wow. His heart is pounding in his chest. _Fluttering_. He never believed his heart could truly skip a beat. It has, though.

Then there’s that ringing in his ears again. Damn it. Not now. Let him have this moment. But the warmth of Lea’s body vanishes and he’s alone. The ringing sharpens and his eyes squeeze tighter. He covers his ears, trying to stop it, but to no avail. It only gets louder and louder until—

_So, open up my eyes_

_Tell me I’m alive_

_This is never gonna go our way_

_If I’m gonna have to guess_

_What’s on your mind…_

He comes back to himself as he’s charging at Kairi and Sora, both on the ground. _Stop it, Isa_. Lea jumps between him and the children. Saïx knocks him down instead. Lea looks up at him, catching his breath and Saïx raises his claymore over his head to perform the final blow. Except he doesn’t move.

Xemnas appears from a corridor beside him and he lowers his own weapon. “There was a time when I trusted you to deal with traitors,” he starts as he walks past Saïx. “And now, your betrayal outstrips them all.” He stops before Lea, who’s still knocked off his feet. “What final words do you have for your superior?”

Saïx can see Lea’s lips moving, but no words are coming out. Or maybe he just can’t hear him. But if that’s the case… He’s still in his berserk state. No wonder he feels as if he can’t move. He’s not under his own control. He’s stuck. Trapped. All he can do now is watch as—

“Ah, ever the rogue pawn.” Saïx grimaces as Xemnas’s voice still comes through clear as day. “Knocked from the board early in the game. Utterly useless and forgotten.”

Forgotten? Tch. Saïx recalls being kids and how Lea always wanted to be remembered. To live inside people’s memories forever. No matter what. He has that power, too. Saïx sure as hell has never been able to forget him. He’s tried, too. But— _No one axes Axel_. Huh. The words ring through his mind. In one ear and out the other. Not as prominent as Xemnas’s voice, but still evident. _Got it memorised_? Why now? Why is his voice cutting through now?

Saïx loses his train of thought when he sees Lea jump at Xemnas. It’s as if time has slowed down. And as Lea closes in on his opponent, Xemnas effortlessly grabs hold of the blade. “Is this supposed to be a Keyblade?” he says. “Or is it some sort of joke?”

His grip on the blade tightens as he threads darkness through it. He then pushes and lets it go, forcing Lea backwards and shattering the Keyblade all in one fowl swoop. Lea stumbles but manages to stay on his feet. Then Xemnas summons his ethereal blades. Saïx remains at his side. Remains in his entrancement. He wants to look away but can’t. He’s forced to watch as Lea is attacked and struck down. Forced to be _utterly useless and forgotten_.

“Our plans have been dashed by you,” Xemnas goes on, “far more times than I care to count.” He walks back up to Lea. “Now it ends. I will purge that light in you,” he points the blade right at Lea, “with darkness.”

Xemnas readies his attack. Saïx wants to scream. Wants to come down from this state. He wants to awaken. To block the attack. To blow his cover. He’d expose everything if he could, just to save Lea. Because he can’t bear the thought of losing him again.

“Changing sides again?” Xemnas’s voice echoes.

Saïx focuses back on the scene. Huh? Xion…she stopped Xemnas. Her head is down so he can’t read her lips. Can’t figure out what she’s saying.

“We only need his heart in order to forge the key,” Xemnas says in response to her words. “We do not need his soul.” He pauses. “Oh, but that’s right…” He smirks, expelling his weapon. “You were _friends_.” He steps away. “Then…you take his life.”

Xion gets to her feet and stands before Lea. He looks up at her, defeated. She summons her Keyblade and points it directly at him. Saïx’s breath catches in his throat. No… It can’t happen like this. He had been so close. This can’t be the end. Damn it. Why can’t he break out of this trance? There has to be something—

Sora walks between them, pushing her Keyblade out of the way. She instantly retaliates by turning her attack on him. He holds his own Keyblade up, blocking every hit. She lifts her Keyblade, going in for a stronger hit, but he still blocks it, simply by holding his Keyblade with both hands and pushing against the attack. Saïx wonders if Sora sounds as desperate as he looks. _It’s all right…Xion_.

Saïx isn’t sure if he’s breathing anymore. That’s it. Sora remembers her. Sora knows her name. A sense of relief washes over Saïx. He’s not sure how this is possible, but he feels no need to question it. The plan is still on track. There’s still a chance.

_Say something, say something_

_Something like you love me_

_Lest you wanna move away_

_From the noise of this place…_

“Useless puppet,” Xemnas speaks up.

Useless. He seems to enjoy using that word. Saïx can’t help but find an ironic humour to it. At the same time, he feels as if he’s the only useless one right now.

Xemnas knocks Xion back and she takes Sora out along the way. He summons his blade once again, but Lea’s grabbing at his foot. Saïx can only presume that hearing her name triggered Lea’s memory of her. What is he doing, though? He’s being reckless and stupid. He never knows when to quit.

Xemnas looks down on him. “Your Keyblade is no more, and still you think you can play at being a Guardian of Light?” He pulls his foot away and stomps on Lea’s hand. “You can wait your turn… _also-ran_.” He turns back on Xion, readying his weapon.

Whatever happens next must happen fast. Saïx can’t do anything. He can’t help. He can’t step in and run to Lea’s aid. All he can do is watch. But—But there’s light emitting from Sora. His body is set aglow and there’s a spark, followed by a matching spark in the sky. A beam of light then blasts down between Xemnas and Xion. He jumps out of the way, losing his weapon. There’s a thick cloud of dust between them and the guardians now. _Hands off my friends_. That voice doesn’t belong to Xemnas or Lea or Sora. So, who—?

Xemnas’s eyes widen ever so slightly. “It cannot be…”

The dust clears, revealing another in the black coat. A Keyblade in each hand. He lifts one hand to dispel of the hood. Saïx holds back a smirk. It seems _Roxas_ has found his way.

“This is impossible,” Xemnas says as Lea and Xion get back on their feet. “Where did you get a vessel?” Roxas gives his answer and Xemnas doesn’t seem too thrilled by it. “Same how…?” _And you had replicas ready and waiting_. Xemnas’s brow furrows. “Who told you?” whatever Roxas says next, Saïx knows they’re not names. He knows he wouldn’t expose anyone outright. “Ansem the Wise, Zexion…” Xemnas isn’t a complete fool, though. He knows the ones who were involved with the replica experiments.

Roxas raises one of his Keyblades. _And others, too_. Little does Xemnas know… Tch. Saïx almost wishes he could expose himself now. Let Xemnas know that his very own Second in Command is one of those others. One of the traitors. That he’s been fooled this entire time. Trusting the wrong people. Hell, Saïx is almost surprised it worked out the way it has. A small part of him had been beginning to doubt… Beginning to think it would all be for naught.

“Ah, I see…” Xemnas’s voice cuts through his thoughts.

The sound grates in Saïx’s mind. He wants to shut it out. He wants— _A connection_.

Next thing he knows, he’s charging. Lea runs past Roxas and Xion, coming at Saïx. Their weapons collide and it’s all Saïx can do to try and ignore the look on Lea’s face. The look in his eyes.

“Now watch…” Xemnas speaks up, “as your friends slowly vanish into nothing.” No… Saïx can’t let this happen. At this point, though, he doesn’t have much of a choice. “These useless pawns,” Xemnas goes on, “must be cleared…from the board.”

_Well, I don’t even know if I believe_

_I don’t even know if I believe_

_I don’t even know if I wanna believe_

_Anything you’re trying to say to me…_

It’s dark. And the battlefield is gone yet again. He doesn’t question it this time. The reason for this happening doesn’t matter to him anymore. He just takes off. Roams the unknown building until he finally comes across a head of red hair.

“Lea,” he calls out.

Lea looks over his shoulder before turning his whole body. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Isa practically runs up to him. He feels way more out of breath than he should be. “I’ve missed you.” Those are the first words to come to mind, so that’s what he goes with.

He scoffs. “Yeah? Well, you should’ve thought about that before.”

Lea turns his back on him and starts to walk away. Isa’s eyes widen a bit. He’s mad? Why is he—? He doesn’t even know what happened. He doesn’t know what he did wrong. He reaches for Lea, getting a hold of his shoulder. He’s instantly shrugged off, though. No. He won’t let this happen. He won’t let it end like this. So, he reaches for him again.

“What do you want from me?” Lea asks, swatting Isa’s hand away.

Isa is taken aback by this outburst. “Just…you.” The admittance is stated in the smallest of voices.

Lea’s brow furrows. “Make up your damn mind already. I can’t keep playing these games with you.”

He doesn’t know where this is coming from. He’s at a loss for words. A loss for how to make it better. He just knows he can’t lose Lea. He can’t let him walk away. He can’t let him fade from his mind.

“I want…to be with you,” Isa speaks up.

“Yeah, that’s what you said last time,” Lea says. “Why should I believe you now? What’s so different?”

Isa can’t answer that honestly because he isn’t sure what’s different. He isn’t sure what went wrong before. He doesn’t want to lie, either. He just knows he needs Lea in his life. Otherwise, he’ll just be…empty.

“We’re supposed to be together,” he goes on. “This is how it’s meant to be.” He gestures between the two of them. “You and me.”

Even through the darkness, he can see a glimmer of hope in Lea’s eyes. “Ya mean it?” He clears his throat. “Better yet, do you truly believe that?”

Isa looks down as he puts a hand to his chest. “I feel it.”

As he looks back up, Lea’s figure fades into a silhouette. A shadow. He reaches for him, but he slips through his fingers. He’s not scared anymore, though. He doesn’t feel the need to be. He just closes his eyes and take a deep breath. _You and me. I feel it_ …

_So, open up my eyes_

_Tell me I’m alive_

_This is never gonna go our way_

_If I’m gonna have to guess_

_What’s on your mind…_

“I don’t need hearts.” Xemnas’s voice resonates within Saïx, bringing him back into the moment. His gaze focuses on the scene before him once more. “I will scatter them all to the winds.” He vanishes, reappearing behind the group. He grabs hold of Kairi. “What difference does one little light make? You have others.” He gestures to the small group. “Just as we have more darknesses to replenish our ranks.”

He disappears into nothingness as Sora charges him. Saïx puts himself in the battle’s way. In harm’s way. Sora, Roxas, and Xion are ready to fight him. Good. They deserve a chance to beat up on him. He won’t make it easy, but he’s losing the strength to keep going. He’ll only fight so hard. Try so hard.

He knows exactly who he’s up against. He’s underestimated each of them before. For his own sake, though…and for Lea’s…

Maybe they’ll be able to snap him out of it.

_So, open up my eyes_

_Tell me I’m alive_

_This is never gonna go our way_

_If I’m gonna have to guess_

_What’s on your mind_

Saïx digs his claymore into the ground to catch himself. Until, that is, it vanishes from beneath him and he falls to his hands and knees. Lea rushes over to him but stops before he gets too close. He looks down at Saïx, seemingly wanting to say something but not daring to. Not taking the chance.

Saïx lifts his head enough to look up at him. “Why…so sad?”

Lea turns his head away, squeezing his eyes shut. “You let them reduce you to _this_?”

It’s been so long since he’s heard that much emotion laced in _that_ voice. “I thought…you outgrew the marks under your eyes.”

He’s taken aback by this response, touching his cheek. “So?”

“You look…like you need them…”

“Stop it. The whole act.” Of course. Lea would see right through him. “I thought this was all for her.”

Not all for her. “At first,” Saïx starts. “I sacrificed everything to try and track her down.” And he thought he’d always have Lea’s help, but… “You’re the one who went off and made other friends. Left her and me both in the dust.” He takes a deep breath as he tries processing the so-called emotions surging from within him. If he’s about to fade from existence, though, then there’s no point in lying anymore. “It infuriated me how you just exited our lives.” He clutches at his chest and Lea runs the rest of the distance towards him. “I lost…all sense of purpose…”

Lea drops on his knees beside him. “I didn’t forget you.”

“Yes…I know.” As often he tried telling himself that had been the case, he couldn’t make himself believe it. “You wouldn’t do that. But…” Lea’s hand is on his shoulder and, just like that, it’s as if everything is right in the world again. He glances up at Roxas and Xion. “I was jealous.”

There’s a small chuckle. “You admit it.”

“Yes, well, if I make it back…” he tries pushing himself onto his knees, “you won’t get it out of me a second time.”

As soon as he’s up, he finds himself falling back. Falling into Lea’s arms. His open, willing arms. Still so unafraid of showing his affection. And Saïx is so ready to accept it for once in his existence. He doesn’t have much longer anyhow.

Lea looks down at him, smiling. His eyes gleaming. “See you, Isa.”

It means everything to hear that name again. To hear Lea using it in that gentle tone. He smiles back at him. “See you, Lea.”

The pressure of fading away is no longer prominent. All he can feel is Lea. Even when he closes his eyes, he still sees him. Still sees those green eyes. Still sees that warm smile. He could never forget any of it. Even if he tries. He doesn’t want to try, though. He wants to remember. He wants to get him memorised.

And when he sees him again, he will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone catch on to the "flashback" references?? Those moments that were /no longer on the battlefield/ were "alternates" to scenes in previous chapters and were supposed to be like the "what if we never lost our hearts" kind of thoughts
> 
> Hopefully it came across as such lol Either way, this is my personal favourite chapter <3
> 
> ~~~~
> 
> Next update will be Sunday, June 7th


	10. Save Yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "Fading" by Kelly Clarkson

_Running ‘round_

_Trying to figure out, now_

_Where you put your smile down_

_You can’t let them see you like this_

_Thinking, what mask you’re gonna front_

_You grab the nearest one_

_You take your place…_

“Well, I guess this was inevitable,” Lea speaks up as he stands across from Xemnas and Saïx. He gestures towards the hooded the figure. “Who’s the plus-one?”

“Inevitable indeed,” Xemnas says. “And this _guest_ of ours has an old score to settle with you. You are a traitor of darkness, as it is of light.”

Lea quirks an eyebrow. Tch. That’s a roundabout way of answering. “Well, guess I can live with that.”

“It is a being of whom we have no memories,” he goes on. “A true Nobody, hailing from the edge of oblivion.”

“The being before you was recreated,” Saïx takes over, “from the records that were left by Vexen, and the many experiments performed by Young Xehanort.”

“It was erased from all memories,” Xemnas gestures towards the hooded figure, “and it harbors absolutely no knowledge of who it really is. Even I had forgotten its existence.” He faces Lea and Kairi again. “But like the others, I could not recall why. Truly, the perfect pawn created for this very battle.”

Lea scoffs. Still avoiding an actual answer. “So, who is it?”

“You called on one of the New Seven Hearts,” Saïx changes the subject, focusing in on Kairi. “You must be desperate.”

Lea picks up on Kairi’s response seeming like she’s readying herself for a fight. “If I’m a traitor,” he starts, “then I guess Kairi here is the trump card.” He gestures to her with a smile and a wink.

She’s almost taken aback by this. “What?”

“So, it’s not desperation I see in you,” Saïx says. “It’s foolishness…and lunacy.”

Lea’s brow furrows. “Huh?”

“Without the battle between the seven lights and thirteen darknesses,” Xemnas speaks up, “Kingdom Hearts requires the seven hearts.” He gestures towards the two Keyblade wielders. “That is why we seek to destroy the guardians. Are you truly foolish enough to believe you can defeat us?”

Now Lea clenches his jaw. “What do you think?”

“I think you’ll lose, Axel,” Saïx says.

“Yeah, right.”

“Even if you possess the strength,” Xemnas goes on, “this being cannot be defeated by your hands. Even if…memories are lost from you both.”

Lea clenches his fists. “All right…” He then summons his chakram. “Let’s find out.”

_Amongst these faceless others_

_Underneath the surface_

_Everything’s so backwards_

_It’s all a lie…_

Lea sets his chakram ablaze before tossing them at the hooded figure. They summon their weapon and deflect the attack, sending both chakram spiraling back towards him. He catches them with ease, placing them together to form his Keyblade. He rests it over his shoulder and that’s when hen he spots it. The hooded figure’s weapon. His eyes widen. “Wait… That Keyblade…”

It seems Kairi has taken notice, as well. “It’s just like Sora’s.”

“Are you—?” He stops himself, not wanting to finish the question. Not wanting to know the answer. He has to ask, though… “Is that you, Roxas?”

“No, it’s not Roxas…Axel,” Saïx says.

Huh. There’s a tone to Saïx’s voice. Something in the way he made that comment. Almost like he was on the defencive. But—He steps back when he notices the hooded figure running for him, screaming. He readies himself to guard, but then Kairi jumps between them, blocking the attack for him.

There’s a little power struggle before Kairi gasps. “A girl?”

The hooded figure pushes off, jumping back and rejoining Saïx by his side.

That was strange, but Lea shakes it off. “Ya with me?”

Kairi nods her head once. “Yep.”

He gives her a little smile before directing his attention on the battle. On Saïx. _Isa_. They just need to get through this. Once they do, things can start going back to normal. Or they can at least start trying to fix everything. To mend their bond. But first…

Lea’s gotta knock some sense into him.

_Run away_

_Save yourself_

_Let it go_

_It’s too late_

_I’m losing you_

_You’re fading…_

This is more difficult than he thought it would be. Lea knew what to expect with Saïx, but this hooded figure… She’s more powerful than she looks. She knocks Kairi back, and Lea jumps in to take the next parry before colliding his Keyblade with Saïx’s claymore. Then he hears Sora call out their names. He looks over his shoulder with a smirk. He deflects off another of the hooded figure’s attack before flipping back to join Kairi and Sora by their sides.

“Nice to see ya,” he greets the kid.

It is nice. It’s nice to have an extra hand. An extra chance for a breather. To recover. These two are relentless. Even more so when Saïx goes berserk. Lea hates when he goes into that state. He’s never trusted it. He wants nothing more than to snap him out of it. And he’ll do whatever it takes to succeed at just that.

Ten years is far too long. Lea won’t lose anymore time. He won’t go another year. Month. Day. He won’t go another _moment_ without _Isa_. This fight is for all of it. All the arguments and disagreements. All the lies. He’s gonna make up for it, one way or another. Make it better.

_Don’t move_

_Sit there in a trance_

_Do not make a sound_

_Fool, what were you thinking?_

_Fallen, no one’s gonna call_

_No hands were up at all_

_You’re on your own again…_

“Stop it, _Isa_ ,” Lea calls out, running to get between Saïx and the kids.

He holds his Keyblade up as Saïx brings his claymore down. The force knocks Lea down, as well. He looks up at him, catching his breath as he watches Saïx raise his claymore over his head. This is it. The final blow. And Lea hasn’t accomplished any of what he wanted to. Needed to.

Except Saïx is holding the attack.

Xemnas appears from a dark corridor and Saïx lowers his weapon. “There was a time when I trusted you to deal with traitors,” Xemnas starts as he walks right past Saïx. “And now, your betrayal outstrips them all.” He stops before Lea, still on his feet. “What final words do you have for your superior?”

“Well, let me think about it,” Lea says. “How about, _you were never my superior_.”

“Ah, ever the rogue pawn. Knocked from the board early in the game. Utterly useless and forgotten.”

“Are you kidding? Do you know how popular I am?” Tch. Like he’ll show the waiver in his confidence. “I got loads of people rooting for me.” He grins. “Sorry, boss. No one axes Axel.” He puts his finger to his temple. “Got it memorised?”

He then jumps to attack Xemnas, but Xemnas effortlessly grabs hold of the blade. “Is this supposed to be a Keyblade?” he says. “Or is it some sort of joke?”

His grip on the blade tightens as he threads darkness through it. He then pushes and lets it go. As Lea stumbles back, it’s as if everything has slowed down while he watches his Keyblade practically shatter. He manages to stay on his feet, though. No. This isn’t over. He still has a fight left in him. So, he stands his ground as Xemnas summons his ethereal blades. He glances behind Xemnas at Saïx, still glowing in his berserk state. Just standing there. _He is learning to control it_. Tch. Such bullshit. The only thing being controlled is—His train of thought breaks as Xemnas attacks him. Striking him with multiple blasts of his ethereal blade. Lea falls to his knees, unable to withstand this sort of pain.

“Our plans have been dashed by you,” Xemnas goes on, “far more times than I care to count.” He walks back up to Lea. “Now it ends. I will purge that light in you,” he points the blade right at Lea, “with darkness.”

Xemnas readies his attack. Lea closes his eyes, readying himself for the end. He doesn’t have the strength to fight back this time.

It seems he doesn’t have to, though.

“Changing sides again?” he hears Xemnas ask.

Lea lifts his head enough to see the hooded figure _grasping_ Xemnas’s blade. “We need him alive,” she says. “You know that.”

“We only need his heart in order to forge the key. We do not need his soul.” He pauses. “Oh, but that’s right…” He smirks, expelling his weapon. “You were _friends_.” He steps away. “Then…you take his life.”

The hooded figure gets to her feet and stands before Lea. He looks up at her, defeated. “Who…are you…?”

_Walls are closing in_

_You can’t feel anything_

_Becoming one of them_

_Come back to me…_

She summons her Keyblade and points it directly at him. Lea tries to see past the hood. To see her face. There’s a moment of hesitation, and then—Then Sora steps between them, pushing her Keyblade out of the way. “Don’t do this,” he says. She immediately turns her attack on him. He holds his own Keyblade up, blocking every hit. “Wait…” She goes for a stronger hit, but he still blocks it, holding his Keyblade with both hands and pushing against the attack. “It’s all right. You can stop now,” he goes on. He sounds more than desperate. “It’s all right… Xion.”

_Xion_? Why does Lea feel like he should know that name? Why—She drops her Keyblade, gripping her head and crying.

Xemnas appears before her. “Useless puppet.”

He knocks the hooded figure back and she takes Sora out along the way. As she collapses, her hood gets knocked off, revealing her face. Lea’s eyes widen and he clutches at his head. Then it hits him.

“ _Xion_ ,” he calls out, reaching for her.

Xemnas summons his ethereal blade back, but Lea’s grabbing at his feet. Even if he hadn’t remembered her just now, she still saved him. So, it would’ve only been fair for him to return the favour. Except he does remember, so of course he’s gonna protect her. It’s what he couldn’t do last time, and he won’t let that happen again.

Xemnas looks down on him. “Your Keyblade is no more, and still you think you can play at being a guardian of light?” He pulls his foot away and stomps on Lea’s hand. He groans and grimaces at the pain. “You can wait your turn… _also-ran_.” And he turns back on Xion, readying his weapon.

Next thing Lea knows, there’s a blast followed by a cloud of dust, separating him, Xion, Kairi, and Sora from Xemnas and Saïx.

“Hands off my friends,” a voice says from the dust. A _familiar_ voice.

Xemnas’s eyes widen ever so slightly. “It cannot be…”

_Run away_

_Save yourself_

_Let it go_

_It’s too late_

_I’m losing you_

_You’re fading…_

The dust clears, revealing another in the black coat. A Keyblade in each hand. He lifts one hand to dispel of the hood.

The breath catches in Lea’s throat. “ _Roxas_ …”

Roxas glances over his shoulder with a small smile and a nod. “My turn.”

“Roxas,” Xion breathes out.

“This is impossible,” Xemnas says as Lea and Xion get back on their feet. “Where did you get a vessel?”

“Same as you,” Roxas says.

“Same how…?”

“Most of the Organisation’s members—they traveled here from the past as hearts. And you had replicas ready and waiting. One for each of them.”

“Who told you?”

“I owe my return to many. Some of them people you knew.”

“Ansem the Wise. Zexion…”

Roxas raises one of his Keyblades, pointing it at Xemnas. “And others, too. It seems you’re not as good at winning over people’s hearts as you think.”

“Ah, I see…”

“There was one last thing I needed in order for me to be whole again. A connection. Sora helped me find my way back here…to my friends.”

Hell, Lea’s still trying to remember to breathe. He can’t believe it… He can’t believe he’s actually standing here with Roxas and Xion. Tch. Maybe Xemnas did end his life and this is just…not really happening.

No. Because if this all wasn’t real, then Saïx wouldn’t still be in his berserk state. If this was some good dream, Saïx would be Isa again. So, he still has one last thing to fight for. With a renewed strength. With Roxas and Xion.

But first—

_Fading, fading_

_Fading, fading_

_Fading, fading…_

“These useless pawns,” Xemnas says, “must be cleared…from the board.”

Lea glances over Kairi and Sora, bound by Xemnas’s darkness. Then he looks towards Roxas and Xion. Yeah. He’s ready to face anything else that comes his way.

With that in mind, the three of them charge into battle together. Before they can get their hands on Xemnas, though, they gotta get through Saïx. Lea figures that the three of them against Saïx should be a breeze. They’re collective strength is unsurmountable. Especially when they combine it in its full capacity. It’s in this moment Saïx is left nearly powerless. When they don’t give him a chance to counter.

“Isa,” Lea calls out. “Time to _wake up_.” They strike Saïx with the final blow and he falls to his knees. Xemnas seems somehow just as worn out. “Roxas, Xion,” he goes on. There’s a light that shines through each of them. Lea goes after Xemnas. “Get what’s ours.”

Roxas and Xion follow his lead. They strike Xemnas in unison, releasing a glowing light from him, as well. They’re each hit with it and an _X_ accumulates before them.

Xion puts her hands out, almost to hold it. “Is this—Is this the sigil?”

“Yeah…” Lea says. “That’s the mark Xemnas gave us. It’s what’s connected us from the start.” He opens his hand, revealing his own. “It’s the…foundation…of the bond we share.”

Lea thinks back on their time with the Organisation. Thinks back on their meetups at the clock tower. All they laughed about. All they fought about. He thinks about how he never thought they’d make it here. How he never thought he’d make it this far. Yet, here he is. Here they are. Together.

“The mark will disappear along with Xemnas,” Roxas speaks up, “and that’s fine. I just wanted to reclaim it for myself.” He turns to face Xemnas, now on the ground standing in front of Saïx. “It’s how our bond came to be.”

Xion smiles softly. “This… This is the connection we needed.”

The sigils fade away. But that’s all right. They don’t need to hold on to them. They just need to know they had them. And now they can end this battle…once and for all.

_Run away_

_Save yourself_

_Let it go_

_It’s too late_

_I’m losing you_

_You’re fading…_

“I don’t need hearts,” Xemnas says. “I will scatter them all to the winds.” He vanishes, reappearing behind the group. He grabs hold of Kairi, she and Sora calling out for each other. “What difference does one little light make? You have others.” He gestures to the small group. “Just as we have more darknesses to replenish our ranks.”

Sora charges at him as he disappears with Kairi. Then it’s Saïx appearing before him. He stops, readying himself for another fight. Roxas joins him at his side. Lea breathes deep, trying to ignore the pain in his arm. He moves to ready himself as well, but Xion puts her arm out, halting him.

“Rest, Axel,” she says. “Roxas will fight in your place. And I’ll fight for Kairi.”

Lea’s eyes widen a bit. He knows she means well, but… Tch. He forces a smile. “Yeah… When it comes to Keyblades, you’re the old hands.”

She returns the smile and nods before running to join Roxas and Sora.

“Give him hell for me,” Lea says, mostly to himself. He looks past the three of them, his gaze landing on Saïx. “Promises to keep. I’m dragging you home, too, Isa.”

_Away_

_Save yourself_

_Let it go_

_It’s too late_

_I’m losing you_

_You’re fading…_

Saïx digs his claymore into the ground. It then vanishes from beneath him, causing him to fall to his hands and knees. Lea rushes over to him but stops about halfway. He’s not sure how he might react just yet. So, he decides to keep some distance as he looks down at him. He needs to say something but… Where the hell should he even start?

Saïx lifts his head. “Why…so sad?”

Lea turns his head away, squeezing his eyes shut. “You let them reduce you to _this_?” Tch. Guess that’s where.

“I thought…you outgrew the marks under your eyes.”

He’s not sure what kind of a response that is. He touches his cheek, though. “So?”

“You look…like you need them…”

He holds back a scoff. “Stop it. The whole act.” He takes a deep breath. He doesn’t want to be angry. “I thought this was all for her.”

“At first,” Saïx says. He lets out a shaky breath. “I sacrificed everything to try and track her down. You’re the one who went off and made other friends. Left her and me both in the dust.” Lea wants to tell him how _not_ true that is. He decides against it. Decides to let Saïx speak his piece. “It infuriated me how you just exited our lives.” He clutches at his chest, causing Lea to close the distance between them. “I lost…all sense of purpose…”

Lea drops to his knees, placing a careful hand on Saïx’s back. “I didn’t forget you.”

“Yes…I know,” he says. “You wouldn’t do that. But…” Lea brings his other hand to Saïx’s shoulder as he waits for him to finish. Saïx glances up at Roxas and Xion. “I was jealous.”

He can’t help but let out a soft chuckle. “You admit it.”

“Yes, well, if I make it back…” he attempts to sit up, “you won’t get it out of me a second time.”

The attempt fails and Saïx falls to his side. Lea is right there to catch him, though. And he does. Saïx turns in his arms and looks up at him. Lea returns his gaze, holding back tears. They’ve made it this far. The next step is recovery. Before they can heal, though…

Lea smiles down at him. “See you, Isa.”

Saïx smiles back. “See you, Lea.”

_Fading, fading_

It took a decade to see that smile again, just to then watch Saïx fade from his arms and into nothing. Lea keeps his gaze on his now empty hands. He will see him again because that can’t be the last time. That can’t be the last smile. The last he hears that voice say his true name. It won’t be the last.

They will be reconnected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update will be Monday, June 15th


	11. Factionless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "Set Me On Fire" by Flyleaf

_Oh, what a cold, dark world it is to walk through_

_Alone with a fear-filled head_

_Thinking of losing you is a haunted song_

_And a dread much worse than the fear of death…_

As he comes to, there’s a ringing in his ears. Loud and sharp. Deafening. The more aware he becomes, though, the quieter it gets. Until there’s no sound at all. Just him surrounded by…nothing. Everything is dark. Black. Cold. It’s a _drastic_ difference from the warmth he could’ve sworn he had been feeling only a moment before. So why does he feel like he’s already been here for a lifetime? Hmm… Maybe because he’s been here before. Trapped. Lost. In between realms. Between life and death.

He shifts onto his knees, looking around. What now? He’s not sure what to do. What he _can_ do. Not sure where he can go. There’s nowhere _to_ go. There aren’t any directional. No marked paths. If he started walking anywhere, he’d just be wandering aimlessly. Forever. He’d never find his way out.

Although, he’s not sure he will find his way.

Maybe he doesn’t deserve to find his way. Maybe waking up in this vast abyss is exactly what he deserves. Maybe it’s his fate. Who is he to believe he’s earned a second chance? After all he’s done… This is where he belongs.

Except…he can’t help but feel he had made a promise to someone. That he’s supposed to— _See you_ … Something deep within him is telling him that he can’t let them down. Not again. So, he has to at least try.

Deliberately, he stands up. A wave of dizziness rushes over him. He stumbles a bit as he holds his head, squeezing his eyes shut. This isn’t going to be easy. But he has to ignore the heaviness in his head, On his shoulders. In his feet. He has to push himself through this emptiness. There’s someone waiting for him somewhere, and he has to reach them. He has to keep his promise. Fulfill it. He won’t let them down. He won’t let himself down. He’ll keep fighting.

So, he takes a deep, steadying breath, and takes his first unsteady step. Okay. He can do this. He’ll create his own path. Chart his own course. And he’ll find his way.

_Now I feel the fear rising up, climbing up_

_Taking over my body_

_And I feel my pulse starting up_

_Waking me again…_

How long has it been? He wishes he knew. There’s no sense of time here, though. Well, there’s no sense of anything. He’s not even sure he’s still walking in the same direction now as when he started. He could’ve inadvertently turned himself around a hundred times by now. There’s no way of knowing. Hell, he’s not even sure if it matters. What’s the point of all this anyhow? It’s not like he’ll ever get anywhere. He’ll never—

No. What is he thinking? He can’t allow thoughts like that. He has to ignore them or else they’ll take over. And he can’t let that happen. Won’t let that happen.

“You’re right, you know?” a voice then says, out of nowhere. “It’s futile.” It’s deep and unsettling and… _familiar_. “A meaningless effort.”

He looks around, but he can’t find where the voice is coming from. He doesn’t see anyone else anywhere.

“There is no point in trying. You will never find your way out. You will never find your back to the light.”

He grips his head in a failed attempt to silence the voice. The words are echoing through his mind. Just then, there’s a flash and what sounds like…static. He looks up to see that he’s no longer alone.

“Number VII,” Xemnas goes on, “my most trusted comrade.” That deceitful smirk finds its way across his lips. “Come with me. I can help you.”

Saïx eyes his old Superior’s outstretched hand before lifting his gaze to meet those golden eyes. He takes a step back. A step away from him. “You’re not here,” he says.

“Of course I am,” Xemnas says. “I am right here. Standing before you.” He keeps his hand out, palm open and _welcoming_. “Let me help you find your way.”

He shakes his head. “You said it’s futile. That there’s no escaping this place.”

“Alone, yes. With my help, though—”

“You’re no help. All you’ve ever done has been for yourself.”

Xemnas is still smiling. “You do not truly believe those words.” He takes a step closer to him. “You can trust me.”

Saïx is still shaking his head. And with every step forward Xemnas takes, he takes another step back. Another step until he turns and runs. He keeps running until he can no longer breathe. That’s when he falls to the ground. To his hands and knees. He keeps his head bowed as he gives his lungs a chance to recover. There’s a pounding in his chest and it’s dizzying.

As soon as he’s able, he lifts his head and looks around. Looks behind him. Xemnas—or whoever that was—is gone.

_Open my eyes, I’m reaching for you_

_Set me on fire, set me on fire_

_I’m burning inside, I’m waiting for you_

_Set me on fire, set me on fire…_

He tries getting back to his feet, but his muscles are tired. Weak. His arms give out from under him and he falls flat to the ground. He rolls himself over to lay on his back. Maybe this is futile…

No. It’s not. It can’t be. And that’s what he has to keep telling himself.

He lets his breathing even out. Once the pounding in his chest desists, he closes his eyes. And that’s when he’s overwhelmed by thoughts of green eyes. Red hair. A warm touch. Now he can’t help but smile. That warm touch transcends to a warmth spreading through his chest. Through his arms. His legs. And it feels incredible. Empowering. He doesn’t want to let this feeling go. This is how he wants to feel for the rest of his life. The rest of his existence.

He sits up, keeping his eyes shut tight. He’s afraid that if he opens them, he’ll lose this sensation. So, he lets himself hold onto it for a little while longer. Just in case. And when he’s ready, his eyes flutter open again. He puts his hand to his chest.

It no longer feels so empty.

_You hand in mine, oh, I feel the fire_

_Two hearts that beat, oh, to feed the fire…_

With every step he takes, it’s as if his strength is renewed. Revived. Rekindled. He can’t remember the last time he’s felt so strong. So prepared. It’s not the same adrenaline he used to get from fighting, though. This isn’t like any battle. This adrenaline reminds him of the quiet moments he’s had with—

Green eyes. Red hair. That warm, smug smile. Tch. He always thought he was so clever. Charming. Memorable. And perhaps he was, but… He was also kind. Passionate. Fretful. Protective. Affectionate. Hmm… Saïx isn’t sure he ever appreciated those traits enough. He may have even taken advantage of them.

Never again.

_You are a spark that shines a light_

_Where we could belong together, factionless_

_Let’s keep it burning bright till we’re floating away_

_Till we’re ashes dancing inside the flames…_

Even with this newfound strength, wandering a timeless void is still…dispiriting. He has no idea how long it’s been or if he’s made any progress. There’s no way for him to tell if he’s any closer to escaping. If only he could be given some sort of sign—

There’s a light. He rubs his eyes with the heels of his palm and looks again. It’s there. It’s really there. It has to be. A light off in the distance. A sign.

Unless…it’s a trick. Another hallucination. How is he supposed to know? Is he supposed to just _trust_ himself? Tch. He’s not sure he can yet. Not sure if that would be the best idea. He doubts himself too much. Second guesses. And too much rides on this for him to think twice.

“Isa…” a voice then sounds off. The breath catches in Saïx’s throat. That’s not the same unnerving voice as before. “First of all…I’m sorry.”

He looks all around him, trying to find the source. Then he spots it. _Him_. Standing out by the light is a tall figure with bright red hair. Saïx forgets how to breathe for a moment as he starts running towards the figure, tripping over his own feet. He needs to reach him. To be with him.

“I followed your orders until I no longer agreed with them,” the voice goes on. “You were the one always calling me reckless. Funny how that works, huh?”

“ _Lea_ ,” Saïx calls out, still running.

“We promised we’d never let anything or anyone get between us.”

Saïx keeps calling his name until he’s finally standing before him. “Lea,” he says again. “I can’t believe this…”

There’s no reaction from the other. As if he can’t hear him. Saïx tilts his head. Hmm. He waves his hand in front of his face. Nothing. He can’t see him, either. He then takes a deep breath and cautiously reaches for Lea. Reaches to place his hand on his shoulder. Before the contact can be made, though, the figure dissipates.

Along with the light.

_Now I feel the fear rising up, climbing up_

_Taking over my body_

_And I feel my pulse starting up_

_Waking me again…_

“I told you it was all for naught.”

Saïx clenches his jaw. Clenches his hands into fists. That’s the voice he doesn’t want to hear. The one he doesn’t want to remember. He doesn’t look for him this time, though. Doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of being acknowledged.

“Did you hear me?” Xemnas goes on. “There is no point. You cannot win this battle.”

He swallows hard. “What battle.”

Xemnas appears before him. “Your battle. Between your own light and your darkness.” He vanishes again. “How much of a fool can you be? You do not have a place among the light. You belong in the darkness.”

He shakes his head. “That can’t be true…”

“It is. You know it is. That is why you are still here. Even if you do not want to admit it, you already know where your place is. You are keeping yourself here. Holding yourself back. And for good reason.”

Maybe… Maybe he’s right. If Saïx truly believed he could escape, he would have escaped by now. The only explanation for his endless wandering would have to be— _We promised we’d never let anything or anyone get between us_. Lea’s voice resonates within him. It sets a fire ablaze beneath his skin. Within his nerves. Maybe this means Lea hasn’t given up on him yet. And if that’s the case, then Saïx can’t give up either.

Xemnas reappears before him once more. “Well?” he starts. “Are you finally ready to face the truth? Are you prepared to accept your fate?” He holds his hand up, just like he had done before. “I will show you the way. You’ll exist in a place with indefinite power. You’ll be stronger than ever before. Nothing will ever be able to defeat you.”

“I don’t want that,” Saïx speaks up.

“What other option do you have?”

“Something you could never give me.”

_Open my eyes, I’m reaching for you_

_Set me on fire, set me on fire_

_I’m burning inside, I’m waiting for you_

_Set me on fire, set me on fire…_

Xemnas closes his hand, finger-by-finger, placing it behind his back with the other. “You fill your head with notions of friendship. Companionship. Why would any of them ever forgive you for all you’ve done? What makes you think you’ve earned their forgiveness? You don’t even deserve to beg for it.”

“That’s not for you to decide,” Saïx says. “And you’re wrong.”

He seems amused by this accusation. “Am I?”

“Yes. You are.”

“Entertain me.”

Het lets out a little chuckle. _That’s not my job_. What has he got to lose, though? “I have Lea waiting for me.” This may not be real, but he may as well confess while he’s at it. “From day one, we’ve planned on how to get away from the Organisation. That’s why I became your Second in Command. Why I sent the traitors to Castle Oblivion. It’s why I had Axel wipe them all out. You thought I was working for you, but I was working for myself. For him. Your goals and ours just happened to coincide for a time. Long enough for me to get to where I needed to be.”

That look of amusement has dropped. “You must think you’re quite clever?”

“I don’t think anything of myself. Not yet.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

“It means…none of this is real. So, I’m not gonna make a choice like that until I know I’m back.” He pauses. “Until I’m home.”

Xemnas scoffs. “You truly are a fool. Clearly I gave you far too much credit.”

“You didn’t give me anything,” he says again. “You did teach me something, though.” Xemnas quirks an eyebrow. “You taught to trust myself first and foremost. Because of you…I forgot everything I once believed in. I let go of my morals. I followed you blindly, thinking it would lead me to the light, but I only lost myself along the way. Lost myself to the darkness. And I will never let that happen again. Not to me or anyone else.”

“How are you to save anyone else if you cannot even save yourself?”

With that, Xemnas is gone. Saïx stands there, alone, as those last words echo through his mind. Settle beneath his skin. It’s true. He’s not the hero of this story. But maybe that’s okay. He doesn’t have to be a saviour; he just has to make it to the end of his story so that he can recall the tale. So that he can learn from it. Grow from it.

And this isn’t the end.

_You hand in mine, oh, I feel the fire_

_Two hearts that beat, oh, to feed the fire…_

As Saïx continues his wandering, he keeps his head held high. Keeps his stride long and sure. Because he finally is sure. He knows what he wants. Where he’s meant to be. Where he belongs. It’s just a matter of getting there now.

“Isa…” he hears his name again.

He stops dead in his tracks, looking around. There’s no light this time, but that was Lea’s voice. There’s no mistaking it.

_Open my eyes, I’m reaching for you_

_Set me on fire, set me on fire_

_I’m burning inside, I’m waiting for you_

_Set me on fire, set me on fire…_

“Despite everything, you were my rock,” Lea says, speaking into the void. “I kept coming back to you…”

Tears are already swelling in Saïx’s eyes. He continues spinning in every direction, trying to track down the source of the voice. _I kept coming back to you_. That’s exactly what Saïx wants. To come back. He wants—

He spots him. Standing in the distance. And just like before, he runs to him.

“Things are so different now,” Lea goes on. “It’s just not the same without having you here to experience it with me.”

“ _I am here_ ,” Saïx calls out. He reaches him. “I’m here, Lea. Please…”

Just like before, Lea stands there. Motionless. Oblivious to Saïx’s presence. “I’m trying to be better. For both of us.”

“You’re not the one who has to be better,” Saïx tells him. “You’re right. You weren’t the reckless one. I was.” He knows he shouldn’t, but Saïx reaches for him again. He still can’t touch him, but Lea doesn’t vanish this time. Instead, Saïx’s hand just passes through him. He lets out a huff of a breath. “Lea…”

That’s when it happens. Lea doesn’t necessarily disappear, but…he transforms. Into…a glowing light.

“You and me, Isa.”

_Oh, oh, oh_

_Set me on fire, set me on fire_

_Oh, oh, oh_

_Set me on fire, set me on fire_

_Oh, oh, oh_

Tears are streaming down Saïx’s cheeks. That’s it. That’s what he’s been missing all this time. The light he was searching for… It’s Lea. How did he not realise it sooner? After all, every time he thought of him was when the light would appear. Tch. Saïx lets out a little incredulous chuckle. He reaches for the glowing orb; it’s warm. And as soon as he touches it, the light shines even brighter.

This is it. It’s taken him long enough to figure out, but better late than never. Lea is his light. His spark. His flame. His sun. And Saïx will follow him all the way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next (and final) update will be Tuesday, June 23rd


	12. My Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "Another You" by Of Mice & Men

_White walls_

_(Filled with nothing)_

_But nervous paces_

_(All around I see)_

_Something’s off_

_(Inside of myself)_

_I see it in their faces…_

He wakes up, finding himself surrounded by white walls. He looks down at himself. He’s in the black coat. Huh. It’s strange, but he tries not to think anything of it. He slides off the bed and exits the room, making his way down a long hallway. As he walks down it, though, it only seems to get longer.

When he finally reaches the end, he—He’s in the Grey Area. Why is he back here? This really doesn’t make any sense.

“Axel,” a voice says. He turns to see Xemnas walking up to him. He wants to attack him, but something is keeping him from moving. “Considering the circumstances,” Xemnas goes on, “you will be taking over Number VII’s position.”

“Huh?” He tilts his head. “Wait… Why? What happened to—?”

“He is no longer with us.”

Now his eyes widen. “What do you mean? What happened?”

“He forfeited his existence,” Xemnas tells him as he walks away. “His foolishness brought about his own demise.”

“No…”

There’s a flash and a sharp pain in his head. He grabs at it, squeezing his eyes shut. In his mind, he sees him… He sees Saïx— _Isa_ —struggling. Damn it. He can’t tell what’s wrong, but he can tell he’s in pain. He tries calling for him, but he’s not even really there. He’s just imagining it. Tch. The pain doesn’t feel imaginary. It feels more real than anything he’s ever experienced before.

He drops to his knees, his grip on his head tightening. It’s getting harder and harder to breathe. His chest constricting. Yet, he’s still calling out. Calling for—

_(Say anything, say anything)_

_Say anything that can make this all okay_

_(Take it away, take it away)_

_Take away all of this emptiness I feel_

_Cuz I will never find another you…_

He instantly awakens from a dead slumber. “ _Isa_.” His entire body is shaking, covered in a cold sweat. His throat is dry, making it painful to swallow. His breathing is erratic, making evening it out nearly impossible. “Isa…” He squeezes his eyes shut, only for them to shoot open a moment a later. All he can see is—

“Axel?” a soft voice says from the doorway. Lea looks up to see Kairi standing there. And she looks more than just alarmed. “That same nightmare?” He only nods in response, still trying to breathe properly. She lets herself into the room and sits on the edge of the bed. “You should really try talking to someone about this.”

“I don’t need to talk to anyone,” he says. “I just…need Isa to come back.”

“He will. Until then, though, you should talk about it.”

He brings his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. “There’s nothing to talk about. Just my subconscious messing with me.”

She quirks an eyebrow. “You can’t _joke_ your way out of this.”

He manages a small chuckle. “Either way, I really don’t wanna worry any of ya.”

“We’re already concerned, Axel.”

“Hmm…” He glances downwards. “How’s Sora doing? Still acting strange?”

She scrunches her nose at the change of subject. “Yeah,” she goes along with it. “He won’t even tell Riku what’s wrong.”

“I’m sure he’ll talk with you both once he’s ready.”

“I hope so…” She lets out a soft sigh. “Are you okay?”

He forces a sheepish smile. “Yeah. Thanks.” She returns the smile and starts to take her leave. “Hey, Kairi.” She stops and looks over her shoulder with a hum. “Would you mind calling me Lea again?” Now that he’s remembered what he had forgotten before, there’s really no need to continue going by Axel. He has no desire to, either.

“Not at all.” Another smile. “Goodnight, Lea.”

_Another you_

_Another you…_

He falls back on his bed with a heavy sigh. Why does he keep have these screwy dreams about Isa being…hurt? It doesn’t make any sense to him. And it only makes him fear that Isa won’t ever come back. That maybe something went seriously wrong after he faded away. Lea tries not to think about it, but—

He’s not sure what he’ll do if Isa never returns. Even with Roxas and Xion back, it’s just not the same. Being in Radiant Garden isn’t the same without Isa. It just feels…empty.

_I still hear you in this house_

_(Whispering)_

_I still feely you in my bones_

_(In these veins)_

_And like the portraits in the hall_

_(Can’t help but think)_

_I wish you were staring back at me_

_(But you’re gone…)_

He’s in the Study, browsing through the tallest shelf of books, when Roxas and Xion track him down. He’s almost surprised when he sees them. He’s still not used to seeing them in an attire that isn’t the Organisation coat. Hell, he’s still not used to seeing _himself_ in his new clothes. That’s neither here nor there, though. Hmm…

“So, what did you wanna talk to us about?” Xion asks once they’re sitting at one of the tables.

“I, uhm—” Lea clears his throat, scratching the back of his head. Then he proceeds to pull out the two letters he had written back in the secret forest. “Here.” He hands them each their respective letter. “I wrote these while I was training with Kairi.”

Roxas starts reading his, while Xion’s giggling almost immediately. “Mine only has two words written on it: _I’m sorry_.”

“Right, well… I still had no memory of you when I wrote yours.”

She tilts her head. “Then how did you even know to write one for me?”

“Because I knew I was forgetting someone important.”

She smiles sweetly. “Axel…”

“What is this about?” Roxas speaks up.

Lea’s a bit taken aback by this. “Uh, did ya read it?”

“Yeah, but it just seems kinda out of nowhere.”

“Roxas…it’s an apology.”

“I get that.”

Lea shakes his head with a chuckle. “Man, talk about _Blank_ with a capital _B_.”

Roxas rolls his eyes. “Good one.” He waves the letter about. “I would like a bit more of an explanation now.”

“I was wrong,” Lea starts. “I was wrong for the way I treated both of you during our time in the Organisation. I lied to both of you on multiple occasions, and then I tried keeping you both in a place that wanted you destroyed for my own selfish agenda.”

“Selfish?” Xion says. “I thought you were following orders.”

“Whether I had been following orders or not, I was still acting selfish. I wanted to save you both because I couldn’t choose between the two of you. But then I only put you two in even more danger by trying to save you. And it was all because I didn’t want to be left alone.” He sighs. “I couldn’t bear the thought of losing another friend. Two friends.”

This seems to pique Roxas’s interest even more. “ _Another_ friend?”

He takes a deep breath. “Isa.” He swallows hard. “We had been friends long before the Organisation.”

He nods his head. “And then he chose to follow in Xemnas’s footsteps.”

“Not necessarily. Ugh. It’s complicated.” He rolls his head. “He wanted to climb his way up the ranks to keep the two of us safe, but… Then I pushed him away because I couldn’t stand to watch what it was doing to him. If I had been there for him, though—” He stops himself. “It’s my fault. I turned him into what he had become.” He breathes deep, shaking his head and holding back tears. “This isn’t even what this is about. The point is that, in a real friendship, when one person messes up, they apologise.” He gestures between the three of them. “I messed up big time. You two have every right and reason to be pissed at me. And I am more than sorry. Hell, _sorry_ doesn’t even begin to cover it. So, I’ll make it up to you however I can.”

Xion smiles again with a small shrug of her shoulders. “You already did make up for it.” She glances over at Roxas. “You became a Keyblade wielder and a Guardian of Light and fought to bring us back.”

Lea almost doesn’t know how to respond to that. He didn’t think it would be so easy. He doesn’t _want_ it to be so easy. “Is that enough?”

Now Roxas is smiling, as well. “Of course it’s enough.”

He leans back in his seat. He doesn’t know what else to say. “I practically betrayed both of you and—”

“And then you risked your life to reconnect us,” Roxas says, and he laughs. “C’mon, stop trying to make yourself out to be such a bad guy.”

Tch. _Well, I sure as hell ain’t a hero_. Lea nods his head slowly, taking a deep breath. Roxas and Xion then dive straight into a new topic as Lea’s mind wanders. _Is that enough_? A part of him hopes the resolution with Isa will be this easy, too. At the same time, though, he still doesn’t want it to be easy. He wants to prove to Isa just how much he’s willing to fight for him.

Isa deserves that much, and Lea owes it to him.

_(Say anything, say anything)_

_Say anything that can make this all okay_

_(Take it away, take it away)_

_Take away all of this emptiness I feel_

_Cuz I will never find another_

_(I may never find myself)_

_I will never find another you…_

Lea takes a deep breath. He knows he shouldn’t do this, but there’s no stopping him now. He wants some sort of answer. Some sort of acknowledgment. Something to tell him that everything is going to work out in the end. So, he makes his way into the Lab.

Even is standing at the computer, Ienzo beside him with a clipboard in hand. He’s jotting down whatever it is Even is reading off. They haven’t taken notice of Lea yet, so he still has a chance to turn around. A chance to realise how much of a bad idea this is. It should be, at least.

“May we help you?” Even suddenly speaks up, startling Lea. Even proceeds to look over his shoulder. “You’re standing there expectantly, so I figure there’s something you want to ask.”

Well, there’s no going back now. Lea clears his throat, stepping more into the Lab. “I was actually wondering about Isa.”

“What about him?”

“Where…he could be.”

“Lea, I’ve already spoken with you about this,” Ienzo says. “The return isn’t going to happen right away, and it’s been barely a week since the battle.”

“How much time would you guess passed between your demise and your return?”

“Well,” he lowers the clipboard, “considering Roxas kept a fairly detailed journal of his time with the Organisation, we were able to determine his timeframe with the group at just under one year. The events of Castle Oblivion happened earlier on in the year, and then taking into account the brief period that passed between his return to Sora and Sora’s initial fight against Xemnas…” He pauses. “Yes. I’d say at least a year passed at the time of Even’s, Aeleus’s, and my own recompletion.”

“An entire year?” The breath catches in Lea’s throat. He’s not sure if he can wait an entire year for Isa to return. He’ll drive himself mad thinking up hypothetical scenarios of what could be. “That’s—”

“Just a moment,” Ienzo goes on. “You must also think about yourself.”

“Huh?”

He chuckles a bit. “Your sacrifice came well after Castle Oblivion. Yet, you still woke up at the same time as the rest of us. So, it had been nowhere near to a year for you to reach recompletion.” Ienzo tilts his head thoughtfully. “Also, we’re under the impression that both Braig and Isa were recompleted along with the rest of us but woke up and left before we did.”

“So, you think they were both recompleted, and then willingly gave themselves back up to Xemnas?”

He nods his head once. “Precisely.”

“Is this going to take much longer?” Even then asks.

Lea swallows hard. “Right.” He lets out a heavy sigh. “Sorry…”

Ienzo places a hand on his shoulder. “Isa will be back.” He smiles gently. “I’m most sure of it.”

He returns a sheepish smile. “Thanks.”

With that, Lea takes his leave. As soon as the door closes behind him, he lets out another sigh. None of that had been necessarily reassuring. All he got from it was that Isa could be back anytime between a couple months to a year. It’s not the answer he had wanted. And he knows Ienzo means well, but… He falls back against the closest wall, tilting his head against it.

Well, if there’s a chance that he’ll have an entire year to wait for Isa, then Lea better make the most of it. That way he’ll have plenty of stories to tell once is finally home.

_So, I’ll carry you with me_

_In my dreams, my memory_

_So, I’ll carry you with me_

_(You’ll always be with me)_

_In my dreams, my memory_

_So, I’ll carry you with me_

_You’ll always be my memory…_

Lea takes the day for himself. He explores Radiant Garden for the first time since the end of the war. For the first time since he’s been recompleted. He had initially wanted to wait for Isa so they could explore together, but… Hmm.

He starts small. Going to a few shops and checking out some of the neighbourhoods. But then he taps into his adventurous side. He tracks down all the secret spots he and Isa had discovered as kids. Spots no one else could fit into. Hell, Lea shouldn’t be able to squeeze through some of these areas now with how tall he’s grown, but lucky for him, he’s skinny enough.

Each spot looks untouched. It’s almost…surreal. It gives him a sense of reassurance. That the passage of time doesn’t always cause damaging changes. Not everything weathered is ruined.

He saves the best spot for last. There’s nothing secret about it, but it’s just… It’s their spot. His and Isa’s. It’s where they used to always meet up at the start of day. Where they’d always come at the end of the day. It was as if their lives had revolved around this single spot. Yet, at the same time, around the entire town.

Lea’s life wasn’t happening unless Isa was at his side.

When he reaches the spot, he takes a seat on the ledge of the wall. He hangs one leg over, his other foot hiked up so he can rest his elbow on his knee. He looks out over the rest of the world. The gardens. He takes in the view he hasn’t seen in over a decade. The view he used to love more than any other.

Twilight Town’s sunset might have it beat now.

After taking a few minutes to relax, Lea reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper. He unfolds it and holds it up against the blue sky. It’s the letter he had written for Isa. He keeps reading it over and over… He’ll give it to Isa at some point, but, unlike with Roxas and Xion, he wants to actually read it to Isa. Wants Isa to _hear_ him speaking these words. To hear the emotion behind them. He needs to make sure he gets the point across as clearly as possible. That Isa will understand, without a flicker of doubt, just how much he means to him.

This letter…might as well be Lea’s confession.

_(Say anything, say anything)_

_Say anything that can make this all okay_

_(Take it away, take it away)_

_Take away all of this emptiness I feel_

_Cuz I will never find another_

_(I may never find myself)_

_And I will never find another you_

Lea is trailing along behind Xion, Kairi, and Naminé, following them to the Study. They’re in the middle of a conversation that he hasn’t been paying attention to because his mind his elsewhere. His thoughts running a mile a minute. As they pass by the Lab, he glances down the short hall leading to it. That’s when he spots him.

“Demyx?” he calls out. Demyx turns to face him, and they wave to each other. Lea smiles, continuing down the hall. “Hey, what are you do—?”

_That’s_ when he spots him. A head of blue hair.

Lea’s eyes widen. “Is that—?”

He tries heading into the Lab, but Demyx meets him halfway, grabbing a hold of him by the shoulders. “C’mon, man, stop,” he says as he pushes Lea back. “Don’t be like this. Let Ienzo and Even do their thing.”

“It is, though,” he goes on, fighting against Demyx. “It’s Isa. He’s here.” He manages to push past him. “He’s finally home. _Isa_ …” And that’s when Dilan and Aeleus step in. They block the entrance to the Lab, but Lea still fights to get through. “Why won’t you—? Let me see him.” Tears swell in his eyes. “ _Please_.”

“Get him out of here,” he hears Ienzo call out.

He tries jumping past Dilan and Aeleus, but to no avail. They don’t lay a hand on him, but Demyx grabs at his shoulders and pulls him back. “They need to check him first,” he says. “Make sure he’s stable.”

“They can still do that with me there.”

“Not when you’re like this.”

“I need to see him,” Lea goes on, still fighting to get to Isa. “I need to be there for him.” He then drops to his knees, but Demyx goes down with him. “I need to…be there…”

“You will,” he hears Kairi’s voice. She’s then dropping to her knees on his other side.

“Like I said, man,” Demyx goes on, “just let Ienzo and Even do their thing first. I mean, don’t you wanna make sure he’s okay?”

Kairi nods. “Exactly. Besides, Isa will be overwhelmed enough as it is. If you barge in while in a state like this, it won’t make things any easier.”

Lea hears their words. Loud and clear. He _knows_ they’re right. But… He clenches a hand into a fist and slams it down on the floor as tears to continue to spill from his eyes, staining his cheeks. Damn it. This is the moment he’s been waiting for, but now that it’s actually here— Tch. He has no idea what to expect.

He manages to calm himself down. He, Kairi, and Demyx remain sitting on the floor right outside the Lab. The door is now closed, Dilan and Aeleus on the other side, along with Ienzo, Even, and _Isa_. Hah. Lea still can’t wrap his head around the fact that _Isa_ is on the other side of that very door. It’s surreal.

Lea almost can’t believe it… He’s about to have his moon back. His centre of gravity. His best friend. His other half. This is it. Their reunion. Their reconnection. They can finally be whole again. And home will finally feel like—

Nothing.

As soon as Ienzo steps out of the Lab, Lea can read him like an open book. Ienzo’s words go in one ear and out other. Lea doesn’t need to hear them. Doesn’t _want_ to hear them. Damn it. This can’t be real. This has to be another dream. A nightmare.

Instead of gaining the chance to rebuild his home, his entire _world_ is now crashing right before his very eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story will continue with part two, "Falling Together"
> 
> Initial posting date to be determined, but stay tuned... <3

**Author's Note:**

> For updates and random AkuSai/LeaIsa ramblings, find/follow me here:
> 
> Twitter: @/LadySage08  
> Tumblr: the-clock-strikes-twilight


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